I shake my head with easy understanding. Cool Girl mode reactivated. By all means, take another call in the middle of telling your wife you no longer plan to have babies with her.
“Don’t worry about it,” I say.
“We’ll continue this conversation later.”
I suspect we won’t.
I hear him answer a “hello” as he hurries up the stairs, guest room door snapping shut behind him.
I wish I couldn’t feel this, was able to be a ghost in the room watching this happen to someone else, but the disappointment, the pain, can’t be numbed. Grateful that James is out of the room, I let a few tears fall, breathe deep, and then use all my strength to push this grief into a corner of my body where it can sit until I’m ready to deal with it. Right now, I need every reserve of strength and focus to figure my husband out.
The amorphous sound of James’s conversation whispers through the doorway. It’s nothing I’d ever have questioned before, countless supplier calls stretching into evenings and weekends. But now I can’t help but wonder who’s on the other end of the line. Who’s been on the other end of the constant emails and text messages.
It’s never going to work between you two.
When Will said that to me, was that meant to be a warning, rather than a dig?
Feeling brave, careless, or desperate, I punch Will’s number into my phone. I’m not certain I can trust him, but if I keep applying pressure to both brothers, eventually one of them will break. After only a couple of rings, he picks up. The words are garbled out with a sobriety and concern I find in equal parts surprising.
“Hello? Is everything okay? James isn’t onto you, is he? You’re safe?”
“Yes, I’m safe. I just…” I pause to listen for the muffled sound of James’s ongoing call upstairs. “I’m just trying to figure some stuff out. I know it was ages ago, but when I first met your parents…When James and I were leaving. You said, ‘It’s never going to work between you two.’ What did you mean by that?”
Will’s silent for a while. “Oh.” Another beat. “Really? That’s what you’re worried about right now?”
Thanks for the patronizing tone, Will. “I have my reasons for asking.”
He sighs. “I guess it was a lot of things. He hadn’t held down a serious relationship in years. Could never really seem to get into a girl. And he’d told me he thought you’d stalked him to the bar when you had that drink at Christmas, which he seemed to be into, but I thought was off…”
My stomach flips at that. He’d figured out what I was doing andlikedit? I guess he’s got his own issues, too. Is attracted to damage. Itwould explain why he didn’t immediately run when he found the letters. My heart swells a little with hope at that thought. That James really sees me and loves me for who I am. But if everything Will’s told me is true, his love is either a lie or too twisted to be any good. If. Big if.
“…And a part of me thought maybe youwouldwork,” Will continues, “but I was pissed at him for the stuff about Chioma, about trying to push me out of the business, his life, so I wouldn’t be a problem.”
“So you were just trying to fuck with him?” I ask, disappointed and relieved.
He pauses, and the longer he doesn’t speak, the more dread I feel.
“Listen, I…I guess I was also trying to scare you off a bit. I was plastered at the time, not thinking straight. But knowing what he did to Chioma and then what happened to his most recent ex…It was stupid.”
His most recent ex?
It’s a little too quiet upstairs. I get up, stand in the doorway of the living room, straining to hear more. The shuffle of James’s feet upstairs tells me he’s pacing, which means he’s in an active part of the conversation, just listening. Will and I should still have at least a minute or two before he’s done. I walk back into the living room, try to keep my voice even on the call.
“Will, what happened to his ex?”
A beat. “She killed herself.”
I drop back to the sofa.
“And I know it’s sick to say it,” Will goes on, “but I couldn’t help but feel that maybe being with James didn’t help. He’s got this darkness in him, you know?”
Do I know this for sure? If I ignore Will’s words and focus on James’s actions, he’s been nothing but kind to me. But if Will’s telling the truth…“Does any part of you think James might have killed her?”
“No. That’s not what I’m saying. It all seemed pretty clear-cut at the time. I just wouldn’t have been surprised to find he pushed her over the edge.”
Quite the thing to say about your own brother. “Text me everything you know about her. Her name, socials, job. Everything.”
“God, it was a while ago…”
