“Itiswhen your fear of failure inhibits you to such an extent that you’re not even willing totry. You may be used to succeeding, Kenna, but that’s because you don’t take risks. You only attempt the things youknowyou’ll be good at.
“You expected our marriage to fail, that’s why you resisted the idea from the very beginning. And then when you agreed to go through with it, before you even gave us a chance to make a proper go of it, you’d already relegated it to your nearly empty loss column. Because failing when you weren’t trying means that you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that you knew all along that it wouldn’t work out. That still makes it almost a win, right?”
The wholly accurate read of her thought process had Kennyreeling for a moment. It was a ruthless indictment of her character, but she couldn’t fault the logic.
And she’d been so damned deluded at the time that she hadn’t even realized what she was doing. Sabotaging herself and her marriage, all because of her pathological fear of failure.
“The most fucked-up thing?” he continued. “I could see it happening. And I just fuckingallowedit. Allowed you to ruin something that could have been…”
His lips compressed and he shook his head in self-disgust. “See, Kenna? That’s what truly pisses me off. My own inability to prevent the train wreck I knew was coming. And now every time I see you, my anger at myself—and at you—is always on the verge of boiling over. And Christ knows, I don’t want to bethatguy. But I can’t seem to help myself right now.
“I came to this town to work through everything. The anger, resentment, guilt, frustration, bitterness…I could continue, but I’m sure you get the point. I’m trying to get a handle on those negative emotions, y’know? But knowing that you’re here? That hasn’t been too great for the whole—what do they call it?—healingprocess.”
“I understand.” Kenny tamped down the urge to apologize. He’d already made it clear that he had no desire for her apologies or regrets.
What’s done was done.
Smith was in the process of moving on and she had to come to terms with that.
But Kenny would be here for the next few weeks at least, and Smith was going to have to find a way to deal with his negative emotions on the—hopefully—rare occasions that they ran into each other.
Kenny simply couldn’t continue being his whipping girl. It only made both of them feel terrible.
“This is why we should share our schedules,” shewhispered. “To minimize the possibility of chance encounters such as these.”
“And how do you propose we do that?”
“By communicating, Smith.”
She kept her voice steady. Patient.
“We haven’t done too well in the communication department before now, McKenna.” His pointed reminder was delivered in an almost gentle voice, removing some of the sting.
The rare usage of her full name sent a little shaft of warmth through her. She’d always enjoyed the sound of it on his lips.
He’d only ever used it when he’d been teasing and affectionate. And never after their marriage.
The quick flare of regret in his expression told her that he’d just recognized that fact as well. He gave a tiny, involuntary shake of his head, as if he was silently castigating himself, and shut his eyes for a few brief seconds before meeting her gaze again.
His face had been wiped of any hint of warmth. “So…communication?”
Kenny ignored the all-too-familiar pang of loss in the vicinity of her already battered heart and nodded. “Yes, we’ll inform each other of our plans every morning.”
“Not your strong suit.”
He grimaced at her reproachful glare.
“We’ve already established that I was a terrible wife. So could you maybe ease off on the petty barbs? I’ll be here for a month, more or less. After that you’ll be rid of me for good.” His eyes flickered with something indecipherable and she paused, but it was gone in seconds to be replaced by so muchnothingness.
She swallowed down her disappointment and continued. “Despite our best efforts, we’re still going to run in to each other. So could we please justtryto be civil?”
His nod was curt, restrained. He palmed his coffee cup and lifted it for a quick sip.
“Communication. Civility,” he itemized after putting the cup down. “Got it. Anything else?”
Now it was her turn to frown as she considered his question.
“I can’t think of anything.”
