We decide to keep looking through the village. The chances of finding anything are slim, but we need anything we can use that will help us along our journey. Side by side, we overturn blocks and open broken doors and cabinets. There isn’t even a stick of broken furniture or any sign of previous life here. Nothing but rubble.
I can’t get over the sharp contrast between the broken, empty buildings and the vitality that was here before. The lingering guilt inside me resurfaces. I have to remind myself that no one was killed. Everyone got out and made their homes in other places.
These facts are a poor consolation when I'm staring down the destruction I caused. Leaving home is hard enough. Leaving because of someone else's selfishness must be something else entirely.
I scrub my hand over my face and let out a heavy sigh. It’s impossible to act unaffected when I’m elbow deep in the consequences of my bad choices.
“Are you okay?” Bri asks.
“It rips me apart to see this place again.”
“Tai, look at me when I tell you this.” She grips my shoulders and turns me toward her. “That was a long time ago, and if the Sabaaki have chosen to forgive you, then it’s time you did the same.”
I can’t let it go. Holding onto the guilt helps me prove to myself that I still care. For six years, I tried to pretend like it was all behind me. But I’ve carried the guilt and shame all these years like a silent passenger. Even though it’s weighing me down, the guilt reminds me that I’m different now. If I stop replaying my mistakes, will there still be anything good inside me?
Bri wraps her arms around me and lays her head against my chest. Her steady breathing anchors me.
In, out.
In, out.
In, out.
My thoughts stop circling over my failures. I see myself as Bri does, a flawed kid who didn’t know any better.
I’m shaped by what happened, not defined by it.
The space inside me that was occupied by shame feels smaller, slowly being replaced by the compassion I’ve been freely given.
FIFTY-FOUR
Bri
“Have you checked this one?” I ask before stepping into another abandoned home. It’s dark inside, and sand has piled up high on every side of the tiny home.
The air around us felt fragile after Tai finally broke down. We stood toe to toe, wrapped up in each other's arms for a while. I felt the shift in him. His muscles loosened, and his breathing evened out. When we finally separated, I knew he had forgiven himself.
Tai pops his head in the door and looks around. “No, not yet.”
I go to the back where a kitchen once stood. He flashes me a quick smile before heading off to look for more supplies. His gait is lighter from finally letting go of the lead weight he’s been carrying on his shoulders.
The cabinets are all empty. I’m worried there isn’t anything else here that will help us get home.
I go to the next house. It’s a half wall and a secluded stone arch. I come to a stop, reconsidering whether it’s even worth going through this one.
“Don’t bother. There’s nothing there,” Tai says, coming up next to me.
A dark shadow crosses overhead, casting everything in an eerie gray. The ship we’ve been hunting for blocks out the sun above us.
“The Boraei are here,” Tai says.
We run to the house with the empty kitchen cabinets and stand on either side of the doorway, our backs against the wall, breathing hard from adrenaline. Tai peeks out every few minutes while I work to slow my breathing.
A radio squelch is the first warning that someone is on the ground and coming in our direction. Tai puts his finger to his lips. I nod, acknowledging his silent instructions.
Heavy feet approach. I can’t tell how many, but it sounds like a lot. A hulking figure with a shiny black helmet and black tactical gear passes the house and continues down the road. I breathe a quiet sigh of relief that they didn’t see us.
A herd of h’axom follows not far behind. They press tightly together as they run down the narrow roads. The ground vibrates, and their bellows drown out anything else. When the last h’axom passes by, one final figure dressed in black brings up the rear, holding a long metal baton with two prongs at the end. It looks like a giant cattle prod.
