I wish they were here with me, and not just because they would have insisted on carrying the survival pack. They definitely wouldn’t have tripped on their way down a dune and destroyed half of our supplies. I miss their laughter and constant joking. After our dad left and Mom fell apart, they made sure Hollis and I had everything we needed.
I scan the horizon one last time before I strap on the pack and limp forward with my two swollen ankles. The right is worse than the left. But when I’m moving, the throbbing isn’t as bad, so that is what I’m going to do: move.
It’s been a while since I’ve let myself think about my brothers. I didn’t think I’d be so homesick when I left Earth.Stop complaining about them being overbearing dickheadsis added to the list of things to do when I’m back home.
Somehow, they are overbearing dickheadsandextremely generous and supportive at the same time. The boys all take after our mom. They’d do anything for our family. I fear I take after my dad: restless and selfish.
“Come on, Bri! Get out of the bathroom! Nothing’s going to hide the giant zit on your forehead.”I can hear Nate now—the way he would yell as he banged on the bathroom door in the mornings before school. I felt justified in taking my time in there. As the only sister, it was my right.
“Zits come and go, but needle dicks are forever!”I remember saying back. I was particularly proud of that insult.
I always gave him shit right back, but I never had to worry aboutinjuring Nate’s self-esteem. He had a long line of women and men on standby. We’d hear giggling coming from his bedroom at all hours of the night. Horny laughter was my sign to make myself scarce because I knew what came next, and I didn’t want to hear it.
The time Hollis finally snapped on him makes me giggle.
“Hey Nate, next time you have friends over, don’t forget the walls are thin. I don’t need to hear you prematurely ejaculate all night!”Hollis snatched the apple out of Nate’s hands. Nate grabbed it back and took a giant bite, reclaiming the fruit for himself.
“Don’t be jealous, baby brother. Someday you’ll find someone desperate enough to let you disappoint them.”
The burn on my skin brings me back to the present. My shoulders are red and painful. I untie the sleeves from my waist and ease them back on me, the stiff fabric scraping my skin all the way up.
Don’t think about that, Bri. Think about nice things. Think about your family back on Earth.For some reason talking to myself helps.
I couldn’t ask for better brothers, especially when it came time for college. It was quickly made clear that my mom’s humble earnings wouldn’t cover the costs of the schools I was being accepted into. I hid the notifications after I saw the look on Mom’s face that first time. She tried her best, but there was no hiding the teary eyes overpowering her smile. I soon resigned myself to attending a local university and working my way through when my brothers sat me down and told me that was not going to happen.
“You are going away to the best school possible. We are going to make sure of it,”Nate said.
“We talked. We’re all going to pick up a third shift. We have what we need to live. Anything extra goes for your education. Period. End of story,”Jamie declared.
No one stood a chance once Jamie made up his mind. He took it upon himself to be the authority in the house after Dad left without warning, and most of the time we accepted it. “Stubborn as hell” is basically the family motto, and it has served us well.
The power of my family’s generosity has fueled me througheverything. Their unrelenting belief in me carries me through when things are hard. Every time I was underestimated or looked over, my family's support kept that determined fire in my belly burning. Even now, trudging through the heat and sand, my thoughts turn to them.
As a poor kid growing up in an affluent resort town and going to fancy and expensive universities, I could have given up, and no one would have batted an eye. In times of frustration, my family was my source of strength. I was succeeding for them, for myself, and for anyone left behind by those who cared for nothing other than the bottom line.
Deep in thought, I’ve walked farther than I realized. The hard-packed dirt comes to an end with yet another steep sand dune. Optimistically, I imagine that it blocks my view from the modern oasis waiting for me on the other side. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking. I’m willing it into existence through sheer determination. Kind locals will take one look at me, gasp with horror at my sunburned face, and insist on leading me to cool water. They’ll heal my skin with some miracle elixir, all while feeding me ice-cold fruit.
My ankles complain at the new angle when I begin the climb.
“Just over this hill,” I repeat out loud to myself, “Just over this hill.”
When I finally crest the top, I blink a few times to make sure my eyes aren’t playing tricks on me. Below is a valley of endless sand dunes. With a crashed pod—my crashed pod—half buried at the bottom. Clear as day, my footprints trail up the opposite side.
I walked in one giant circle.
“What the fuck?!” I try to scream, but it comes out as a hoarse whisper. I drop down to my knees. If I had any spare moisture in my body, I would cry.
FOUR
Tai
The sky is fading to dusk when I finally admit I’m not catching up to Bri today. Even though I’m still pissed, the idea of her being out in the desert all night by herself gnaws at me. I’m worried. It took most of the day to reach her footprints and no matter how hard I pushed myself, I couldn’t catch up to her.
After the tent is up and I’m mostly satisfied it won’t blow away in the middle of the night, I pull the small disc out of my pack, put it in my mouth, and bite down with my back teeth. I swish the minty foam around before spitting the disc into my hand and the cleaner onto the ground. This small act gives me so much relief. Since joining the military, I have become obsessive about my hygiene. Being here in dirty clothes all day is akin to torture.
Today was miserable. There is nothing to do here other than walk and think. A day on Sabaak would make anyone question every single one of their life choices. I prefer to avoid that line of thinking altogether.
I shake out my boots and pants to keep as much sand out as possible.I don’t know why I even bother. There is no point in trying to get away from it.
