“The biggest.” Mick clapped her shoulder. “Maybe we should get some drinks?”
“Please.” Abby darted her eyes at Kate, the look reminiscent of the unknowable glares that had leveled her at the beginning of the year. Kate narrowed her brow back.
“You want to go?” Blake asked when they left.
Kate shook her head and stared at the group at the bar. Stared at Abby whispering in Zoey’s ear, much like she had hers. “No, let’s stay.”
She observed Zoey from a distance. Her chest was fuller, her dress more revealing, her legs thinner, golden curls bouncier, her giggle daintier. Kate suddenly hated her own modest dress, her bulkier muscles, and the way everyone around her treated her like a square. She hated that when she told Blake she couldn’t drink any more alcohol, he brought her a beer because that’s what he was drinking. She hated that no matter how hard she tried not to, she never stopped looking for Abby.
“I think she’s got it in the bag!” Jill yelled with Dylan’s arm around her waist, drink sloshing to Kate’s feet. Mick and Haley swayed together on the dance floor. “Can you believe it?”
“No,” Kate said, but she stared at Abby, leading Zoey outside by the hand. She kept watching as Abby lit a cigarette for her, smokedone of her own, laughed, trained eyes on her, leaned too close for comfort. When Zoey kissed Abby’s cheek, Kate’s chest spasmed as if struck. She turned away before witnessing more.
“Can we leave?” she asked Blake, who was in the middle of telling a story.
“Yeah, hold on, babe.”
“I need to go.”
Kate started for the door without him, bumped haphazardly through the crowd, and chanced one last glance against her instincts, in time to see Abby’s mouth on Zoey’s. She rubbed away a tear, more aware than ever why she couldn’t finish her sentence that night.
Abby woke in the blue house living room to mark the end of junior year. She stirred beneath a quilt, a beanbag chair sagging beneath her. Her head pounded as she stood and flopped to the couch. She had her first day of work that afternoon and already regretted subjecting herself to summer classes and a part-time job. Just as she prepared to steal a few more hours of sleep, footsteps creaked on the stairs, and Kate rounded the corner.
She popped her head up from the cushions. “Hey.”
Kate froze. “I didn’t know you slept here.”
Abby almost replied,Me neither,but shrugged instead. “What are you doing up?”
“I was just going on my run.” She tightened her ponytail and kept her gaze on the floor. She wore anInsley Athleticssweatshirt and running tights. Abby thought her irresistible at the banquet, the simple black dress a magnet she couldn’t resist. But seeing her like this, without makeup, bleary with sleep, much like on their road games, never failed to melt her.
“Did you have a good rest of your night?” Abby asked.
The downstairs bathroom door squealed open, and Zoey slinked out.
“Oh hey,” Zoey said. She was a pale, mascara-smeared vision of unwell.
“Morning,” Abby said.
“I’m just leaving.” Zoey straightened out her dress. “Thanks for everything.”
“Yeah.” Abby didn’t move as the front door shut, awaiting Kate’s reaction.
“Nice,” she said, jaw clenched.
“Hey, nothing—” Abby paused.
Last night, after Kate’s rejection, she’d encouraged Zoey’s advances, as if jealousy might change her mind. She wanted Kate to realize that wanting each other mattered, that every graze, every glance, the light touch of a forehead, mattered more than anything to Abby. She wanted her to know that the next three months loomed torturously because she wouldn’t get to see her every day, hear her voice, or search her eyes to discern her mood.
Worse, however, than how much she wanted to scream and shake Kate until she understood, was Abby’s fear of breaking her. She recognized Kate’s terror when she confessed to wanting her. She knew it went against the faith she staked her character on. It made it impossible to know which was crueler: professing her love or keeping it from her.
“Nothing happened. Mick and Haley came back here, so Zoey wanted to too. I slept on the beanbag.”
The sloppy make-out session was unsatisfying and short-lived. It didn’t take long for Zoey to start talking about her ex. Abby listened through a few drinks, patting her shoulder when she cried, certain but not sorry she wouldn’t see Zoey again after that morning.
“I saw you kiss.”
“It was nothing.” Abby hated the way Kate refused to look at her. Hated that she wanted to beg for forgiveness despite doing nothing wrong. “Kate. Come on. Are you mad?”
