I hear her make a sound of disbelief.
“Give it back to me, Mom!”
“You’re so miserable, aren’t you?” she says in disgust. “Always so above me. You think you’re better than me because you’re in college and know math problems? Guess what, sweetie, you’re in for a real treat once you graduate. You won’t have teachers to report to, and you’re going to know exactly why I was depressed for fucking years.”
“I’ll never be like you,” I seethe, but even as I say it, I don’t believe myself. I see myself in her. And I guess that’s the sad part. She had no one to report to, and now that she has Tyr, she’s found a purpose again. “You’re––” the words are at the tip of my tongue, but I don’t say it.
“I’m what?” she snaps. “Tell me, Lucy. Tell me what I am to you.”
Pathetic.
She says, “Hello? Are you still there?” She’s using her condescending tone. “Lucy?”
I stay silent, staring across the quad.
“Hello?” she says one more time, and then she ends the call.
I stand on the sidewalk with my phone in my left hand. People are walking past me. I’m numb. I don’t know what to do. I can’t move.
“Lucy.”
I think I know that voice, but I’m staring at nothing, so I don’t process who’s near me. I’m not even crying, I’m just frozen.
Then two large arms come around me from behind. The arms are cautious, floating above my body. I inhale his scent before I look down at familiar forearms. I know the height of this man. I know what his arms look like because I’ve stared at them while he does his math homework. I don’t process what he’s doing exactly until my back is flush against his firm chest. I blink, holding back the tears that threaten to spill now. His arms were the exhale I didn’t know I needed.
“Lucy,” he whispers.
“Did you––” I begin to say, but the last word comes out throaty. I turn in his arms and tremble into his chest. He hugs me tightly, and I make myself smaller in his arms.
He doesn’t say anything as I let it all out. The years of dealing with my mom making me feel less than, like what I contribute doesn’t matter. There’s going to be a day when I’m no longer in her life, and I hope she feels the heartCamdenk I have because not having her for the entirety of my life has been so hard. And that’s when I stop crying. I can’t continue this one-sided relationship with her. It’s not healthy. I keep giving, and she just takes.
I wipe my eyes and pull back from Benson. When I look up at his face, new emotions rush to the surface. It’s impulsive, but I lean in, pulling his neck down to mine.
“Lucy,” he whispers against my lips.
“Do you want to kiss me, Benson? I want you to kiss me.”
“Of course, I do,” he says, grabbing the back of my neck. “I would love nothing more, but you’re crying.”
He pulls my face back to look at me. His eyes scan my cheeks. With his other hand, he wipes my tears. He presses a very light peck against my cheek, and I close my eyes. He kisses my other cheek. Then my nose, my forehead, my chin. I keep my eyes closed, liking the way his lips feel against my skin. Then he kisses my right eyelid, then my left. I open my eyes and accidentally cry again.
“Thank you,” I mumble through a sob, and I’m so embarrassed that I hide my face against his chest.
He holds me.
After a good moment, I feel safe enough to show him my face again, so I take a step back. I wipe my cheeks with both hands.
“Sorry,” I say.
He shakes his head. “Don’t be, Lucy.”
I nod. “I needed that.”
He’s watching me. I wonder, briefly, what he thinks of me.
He says, “Let’s skip the library today.”
“And go where?”
