His words gave me pause but I wasn’t going to acknowledge what he said. That seemed to irritate him because I felt his hand on my chin turning me to face him, which was pointless since my eyes were still covered. He leaned in again and this time I inhaled the scent of malt on his breath and the smell of jellied eels. The scent made my stomach revolt, despite how empty it was. It was a dish that every good Englishman adored but one that I could never tolerate. This man, having consumed it while I lay down here chained seemed even more of an affront to me than anything.
Inhale.
Exhale.
“The nicer you are to me the better things will be for you. I didn’t do this out of hate. I did this out of love. I saw you on that screen and it was like looking at an angel. The face of pure beauty and I just knew you could be the person to fix me. Tomake everything better. I’ve been waiting for the perfect time and now everything has fallen into place. There’s no escaping me, Sasha. I’ve made sure that every wall is impenetrable and the chains too strong for you to break. This is your life now. Here with me. Don’t make me do anything that you’ll regret.”
His threat was obvious but I planned to make his life a living hell. Despite my resolve to get out of here I knew without a doubt that if I was going to die I was going to die fighting. He wouldn’t get a gentle lamb to slaughter. I’d be a honey badger eager to bite his face off until I drew my last breath.
I wanted to shift my weight because my arms were screaming from pain. Lucidity brought back the awareness of the pain that seemed to eek from every centimeter of my body. Instead of screaming out the way I wanted to, I gritted my teeth too proud to show that he had succeeded in forcing me to feel anything. The emptiness of my stomach, the pounding in my head and the way my mouth felt arid were all signs that hours had long passed since I was in the club. I was sure that it was Saturday and probably around lunchtime, given the smell of his meal. Whatever was covering my face was scratchy and pulled so tightly over my lids that I was too scared to open them for fear that my eyes would be damaged.
I wanted to see his face. Despite knowing it would haunt me for however long I had left in my life, I needed to see it. To know what and who I was facing. Having it be a voice in the darkness seemed far more detrimental than knowing what he looked like. My natural desire was to scream at him that he was going to pay for even thinking that I, or Sasha, could be kept here with him and that the country wouldn’t be looking for me. I had to mind my mouth and keep a civil tongue so that I was alive when help finally came.
I doubted he had enough time to ferry me to Scotland or Ireland without drawing major attention to himself and againhis meal was decidedly English. I was probably in one of the nearby Shire cities, which meant they wouldn’t have much to search once they realized I wasn’t in London. His accent wasn’t one that was as distinct as a Wales or northern English accent, which only confirmed I was in the south. I tried to swallow but my throat was as scratchy as the material on my face and I knew I would never willfully accept anything this man was going to give me. I’d clearly been drugged since the night was too fuzzy after I’d stood up and waved to the crowd. The people who were there weren’t my type of crowd but they were the type of A-listers that had to be seen out in order to keep public interest in them. I never thought Sasha needed to resort to cheap theatrics to make a name for herself since everyone was naturally drawn to her but my mother insisted. My being here just gave me another reason to hate her. Since a human could only go so long without drinking, I had to decide when the time arrived on whether I would trust a madman or allow myself to be too weak to fight when the time came.
Inhale.
Exhale.
The gravity of the situation slammed into me, and I felt my eyes tear up. I was pissed with myself for wasting the hydration I needed on feeling sorry for myself but I couldn’t stop the feeling. Now I was grateful that my eyes were covered and I prayed the few tears that had escaped wouldn’t show through the cloth. I wanted to weep but I would never give him the satisfaction. The resolve that I seemed to have lost came back full force and I blinked back the rest of the tears that wanted to fall. I wasn’t strong enough to cry. Not with danger so close to me. My strength had to be reserved for survival. I could break down when I was safe but for now, I had to cope with the reality of this situation so that safety could become a possibility.
“Nothing to say? I was sure you would be grateful that I saved you from that life. From those men who would only use you up. Look at how quickly they ended your show and didn’t offer you other opportunities like your costars. You carried that show and yet they were handed roles and you weren’t. You should be happy you aren’t there!”
His voice rose as he discussed the reality of my sister’s career. Sasha hadn’t been offered roles but it was because her heart hadn’t been in acting. She wasn’t as keen on being away from home in random countries with a bunch of strangers. And the loony in front of me was right, the men in the industry were predatory. Since neither of us relied on our father’s name for advancement, she didn’t have the protection of being one of the elites to keep her from their predilections. Not that it would have done much good anyway.
“Answer me!”
His demand snapped me back to the reality of the situation and I had no clue what he wanted me to say. Instead of giving him what he wanted I let my chest heave as I tried to calm my anger and the way my heart was racing after the way his screeching had startled me. When I finally felt more in control of myself, I spoke.
“Thank you for your concern.”
It was a lie. I wasn’t thankful nor grateful but I also wasn’t stupid. I wasn’t going to insult him or let him know my intentions were to get out of here as quickly as I could. Earning his trust was the first step and despite how sick it made me I knew it was a necessary evil. My voice was trained and I wondered if he’d heard me at all. The silence stretched, lingering between us even more than the damp air of the cellar we were in. I felt the urge to repeat myself but my brain screamed for me to keep my mouth shut. I was unsure if it was to conserve my energy or if it was my instincts guiding me but I wasn’t goingto ignore the warning. I slowed my breathing down so that no matter how he reacted I was braced for it.
Inhale.
Exhale.
After what seemed like hours but could have only been a few minutes, I felt a caress against my cheek that made my skin want to slough off and combust at having made contact with him.
“I think it’s time you showed me just how thankful you are, Sasha.”
NEW YEAR
ORI
“I think it’s time.”
The conversation I’d been having with my grandfather hadn’t warranted the four words that had come out of his mouth. In fact, he’d interrupted me to deliver them so I was even more confused why he was saying what he was.
“Tutu man, is your mind going? What do you meanit is time?”
I’d attempted to make my voice sound as light-hearted as Rafiki’s in Lion King but it was a physical impossibility. My entire life I’d had a deeper voice. Even as a kid. They’d thought I’d had some type of vocal cord damage because I remember my father chastising me for having an annoying cry as a baby. I didn’t know that crying was supposed to be comforting but it showed the type of parent he was since that was his sentiment to a kid. But I’d tried to adjust to fit into the idea of what he thought I should be. After puberty, it was over for me attempting to speak in a higher octave. I’d tried for years but it was far more stress and effort than I wanted to spend everyday. Having to alter how I spoke was draining and I was still grateful that despite the stresses of my childhood, I’d had enough self-confidence to stop. Eventually. The only downside was the way people attempted to adultify me because of my height and my voice. By the time I was fourteen, I had to have my ID on me at all times to prove I was asyoung as I said I was. People still didn’t believe me. By then I was living with Pappy full time and my grandfather didn’t tolerate bullshit with me.
“Your generation is rising. That means that you all have to be on the same playing field with the family. Right now, you’re the only one who isn’t in control directly of his family’s business.” Pappy leaned back in his seat and stroked the silky hairs of his beard as he spoke. His hair was graying and his face had the start of lines that came from years in the sun but he was lucky; his heritage provided him melanin to make him look younger than most of his peers.
I’d started calling himPappyas a joke after watching the movieLifeand hearing Bernie Mac’s famous line. Instead of it being something that I could annoy him with as a teenager, he laughed and said it didn’t bother him because it was true. He had easily accepted the role that my parents had dumped on him and instead of being like some grandparents and wanting to enjoy his life since he’d already raised his kids; he welcomed me with open arms. The name stuck after that.
“I do enough.”
