“I do. You told me our son was going to be an MMA fighter because he’d been beating you up on the inside.” Across her now much-flatter stomach, he drew circles with his fingertips, as if trying to reimagine the space their son had grown within. “He was always so active. Almost from the moment we conceived. I constantly wished I could make it less painful for you.”
“It wasn’t pain. Not really. Every movement was proof of life. That he was growing and wanted to be out in the world. I complained, but truthfully, I loved every punch, kick, and imagined battering ram.”
His laugh was more at ease, and he lay down behind her again, his fingers still moving across her skin. “While you were pregnant was the only time I ever felt useless. I didn’t know what to do for you.”
“You? Helpless? You helped with everything, barely letting me do anything when you were home.”
“No, Daleyza. Useless. Men can’t ever really understand what women go through during pregnancy. I was part of his conception, but those nine months Tobias grew inside you? That’s something only a mother can understand. It’s why the bond between mother and child is so unique. You and he shared the same space for nine months. Everything the two of you did directly affected the other.
“But as a father? I didn’t have that experience. I couldn’t feel the changes inside me like you could. The bond with Tobias began immediately and continued all the way to his birth, making you a mother from day one. But me? One day, I was playing at fatherhood—putting together baby furniture, painting walls, buying supplies—and then the next, I was a father for real. It’s a miracle that sudden change didn’t give me an instant heart attack.”
Smiling, she told him, “You more than made up for it once he was born. Tobias always came first.”
“Which made you feel like you were second place, or nothing at all.”
“Sometimes, maybe.” There was no point in lying to him. He always knew when she was untruthful. “Being jealous of your own child for taking away your husband’s attention was stupid, but I think all mothers probably go through it a bit. Especially if the men are good fathers, like you were. But deep down? I understood, even when I didn’t like it, or even when I got to feeling sorry for myself. He needed you when you were there because you couldn’t control the demands your family made. Tobias was a child. He was too young to fend for himself or understand what was going on around him. I was an adult, someone who should have known better and could take care of herself, not a child who needed constant reassurance and attention.”
“It may be too late to tell you this, but I wasn’t ignoring you. I was always watching. But you were always so strong that sometimes I felt like you didn’t need me.” He sighed. “I wanted to empower you. Give you the confidence and the power to take back what should have always been yours. If you had that, then if there came a time when I wasn’t there to protect you, you could protect yourself.
“This afternoon, I took my own walk through memories of our past, only I was awake, literally and figuratively. Everything that came to mind was the good things. The happiest moments I’ve ever had with you and Tobias. Not a single one of the bad moments. That’s when I finally understood.”
He pressed a kiss to her shoulder. “You didn’t need me to teach you to stand alone because you’d already been doing that your whole life. I taught you to be a warrior, and when the fight turned darkest, I let you stand alone, like you always felt you had been. Because, in my fucked-up paradigm, I knew you’d come out of it okay.
“What I should have done was prove to you that you were my woman. Not in an overly possessive alpha-male way. Not as a shield to protect you. Not as someone behind you to clean up the mess ifyou failed. Instead, my partner. A woman to create a life with, in all the ways that means.”
He’d said many pretty things to her in the past. Things that had made her feel beautiful. Desired. He’d given her words that made her feel smart. Safe. Secure. But these words? These were the words that made her feel loved.
In the past, both distant and recent, he’d focused on trying to tell her why he’d done the things he’d done. He tried to make her understand his intentions, hoping that somehow it would make up for how it had all gone so wrong.
In this one vulnerable moment, he shared with her that he now understood his true mistake. He’d not been present. Somehow, he’d always remained separate. While he might have been in the same room, or even close by, he’d never beentherewith her.
“How do I erase this, Leeza? How do I fix what I’ve broken?”
Her heart broke for him. “You don’t, Fanso. There is no fixing what’s broken beyond repair.” She rolled onto her back. Raising a hand to cup his jaw, she brushed his cheek with her thumb, her sad eyes meeting his pained ones. “But maybe we can start over. We didn’t choose each other the first time. Maybe, if we choose each other now, we’ll find ourselves on stronger ground.”
There was a flicker of something in his eyes. Hope, maybe? “Is that what you truly want? Life with me as a deadman will be no easier than it was with the cartel. In some ways, it might be harder.”
“I was never afraid of the difficulty. So yes, it’s what I truly want.”
She watched him swallow, as if it was difficult. Then he rasped, “I want it too, Leeza. I want it so much.”
Lightning fast, she rolled on top of him, clutching any part of him she could reach. His arms encircled her from below, and they lay there, locked together, simply holding each other the way they should have been all the years they’d known each other. Other than the day Tobias was born, this was the happiest she’d ever been, which was completely fucked up, given what was going on around them.
But that was marriage, wasn’t it? No matter how bad things were,no matter how impossible everything seemed, if your spouse was there with you, then any moment could be a good one. You simply focused on that single moment and treasured it for exactly what it was. Then you went about solving whatever problem you faced.
But you did it together.
28
AUGUST 25, 2024
Steel
How long theylay clutched in each other’s arms, he wasn’t sure. But as had always been the case, whenever she was close to him, his body reacted strongly to her. His cock liked being this close to her, and because they were so close in size, their bodies lined up perfectly, giving the muscle way too many ideas.
A quiet giggle escaped the woman on his chest, and she shifted against him, causing his cock to harden further. When she wiggled a second time, certain she was doing it on purpose, he spanked her ass once. “Stop it. It’s a normal male reaction. I can’t control it.”
“Where’s all that infamous control you always bragged about?” she asked huskily.
