“You didn’t fail her the first time. You made choices. Tough ones.Just because you do your best doesn’t mean you’re going to be successful.”
“You know, I think I like the cranky boss better than the metaphysical one.”
God stood to his full height, haughtily looking down at him. “Too bad. This is the one you’re getting right now.” He relaxed his posture. “Does she know why you left?”
“She knows enough. I gave her the basics, but I don’t want to burden her with the details. She’s suffered enough at my hands.”
“My understanding is that couples work as a team. Together, the two of you worked to make her a fighter.”
“I had very little to do with that. She’s always been a fighter. I taught her how to shoot, how to defend herself. She did the rest on her own.”
“You taught her to be a warrior. Don’t make her less now because you feel you fucked up.” God took two steps toward him and poked him in the chest. He lowered his voice so Daleyza wouldn’t overhear. “Don’t be stupid. You were used, Steel. You were given a catch-22 so a fuckwitch DEA agent could get a leg up in the very cartel you’re fighting against. He wanted to get rich and wield power in both worlds. Look how that turned out for him.”
“She deserves better.”
“Don’t start spouting that bullshit. Why do you all insist you’re unworthy of these women? You’re more than worthy. All of you.” He ran a hand through his hair and sighed in frustration. “Look. Moments ago, you told me you loved that woman from the moment you saw her. You’ve never stopped loving her. So why are you denying yourself?”
“Because it can’t just be me who wants her back!” He glanced over to the table where Daleyza was working with Loki and Gilgamesh, worried that he’d yelled. He didn’t speak loudly. Ever. Again, he was losing his precious control, the very thing that had kept him alive all these years. What had kept him from withering away tonothing. The only way he’d known how to survive. “She has to want me in her life as well.”
“You are many things, Steel, but you are not a fool. But if you let her get away? You will be.” God exited the room.
Years ago, when they’d all been recruited, they’d been told that to accept Tribe’s offer meant you “died” in your real life and became nothing more than a ghost. You would live in a shadow world where you owned nothing, loved no one, and you could never leave. If you tried to leave, you would be hunted down and killed. Erased for real.
For Steel, acceptance of the job meant the opportunity to get out from under the government’s thumb. To be free of their punishment. He couldn’t return to Daleyza and his life before, so this was his best option.
However, he’d merely traded one prison for another. He was still an outcast. He was still the father of a dead child. He was still without hisbelleza.
Nothing had changed. Had any of it been worth it?
Memories rolled through his mind like the muzzle flashes when a bullet left a gun.
The first glimpse of Daleyza behind her veil.
Protecting her with his blood staining their sheets on their wedding night.
Making love to her for the first time in the candlelight.
Teaching her how to shoot and her glee when she hit her target.
Self-defense lessons that ended with them making love on the floor of their suite.
Hearing her say she was pregnant with their child.
Holding her and his son for the first time.
Hearing Tobias calling him Papá for the first time.
Picnicking with them on the beach and teaching his boy how to swim.
It occurred to him that he hadn’t jumped to the bad memories first, as he had in the past. All the memories had been good ones,filled with love and happiness, even when the moments were put in place by concern for her safety.
For the first time since Tobias had been killed, he felt happy inside. Not about his son’s death—that would always hurt. And not about leaving Daleyza, which hurt just as much.
He’d never been a particularly good man. You couldn’t be if you were under the influence of the Colonels. There was a mean streak in their DNA, and they had planted that seed in him. Fed it. Nurtured it. Then they had used it to suit their own purposes.
He became vicious and cruel. Often, when he committed acts of violence, he felt nothing. Not satisfaction that someone deserved justice from his hands. Not guilt when the person was innocent of nothing more than displeasing his father.
The same held true of the Navy. He had been nothing more than a tool. A soulless assassin who never failed an assignment, and who never lost a night of sleep over what he’d done.
