“It’s all right, Fanso. Stop punishing yourself.”
The room went cold, as if it responded to his mood.
“What?”
“I understand. We all cope differently.”
“I didn’t mean I needed an explanation for what you thought, although I do, and we’ll get to that.” He leaned up onto his elbow, then turned her stiff body onto her back. “You told me to stop punishing myself. What were you talking about?”
Looking up into his eyes, she gathered her courage and pushed through her unease. “Whenever you talk silently to yourself, you’re upset with yourself. Blaming yourself for something. Whatever you were punishing yourself for just now, it isn’tworth it.”
He stared at her for a long time.
She continued. “You used to do it all the time. Whenever you thought you made a mistake with Tobias, or you returned from a conversation with your brothers, sometimes even when you came home from a trip, you talked to yourself without sound. I never saw you do it in public. Only around me. Or when you thought you were by yourself.”
“I didn’t know… I never thought you…” He swallowed. “I should have known. You were always more attuned to what was around you than I thought.”
With a derisive laugh, she reminded him, “You knew my father and brothers. I had no choice but to be aware of my surroundings.”
The smile that formed on his face was slight and a little sad. “It still amazes me to this day that you made it relatively unscathed to the altar.”
“Trust me. There are days I’m just as surprised. My mouth got me in trouble too many times, and then, apparently, it got you in trouble.”
“You were fire on top of fire. Even if we hadn’t been manipulated up to the altar together, I’ve often thought that had we met otherwise, I would have wanted to pursue you.”
His free hand traced from one collarbone to the other, his eyes following the path as he spoke. He seemed to be battling something inside himself. Thinking about what to say.
“But you’re wrong about why I was speaking to myself. It wasn’t about punishing myself. I’m coldhearted enough to be beyond that. When I’ve decided on a particular action, even one I know is wrong in my heart, but right in the moment, I’ve never wavered. Only our creator has the ability to punish me for my sins, and I’m sure I’ll answer for many things when my time comes.”
Afraid but needing to know, she asked, “Then what are you doing?”
“Talking to myself silently is the only way I can apologize for whatever I’m about to do.”
Turning slightly on her side, she raised a hand to rest against his jaw. The stubble forming there abraded her palm, reminding her of other parts of her body that burned from its touch earlier. “Apologize for what, Fanso?” Another thought came on the heels of his words. He had said, “whatever I was about to do.” Moments ago, he’d been apologizing for something. Her eyes flicked nervously between his, and she withdrew her hand to clutch the comforter covering her. “What are you about to do?” she whispered.
“You’re everything a man should want by his side. Smart. Passionate. Strong.”
The words “should want” hung in the air between them.
She withdrew completely, emotionally, mentally, and physically. Rising from the bed, she didn’t hide her nakedness. Inside, she locked down the hurt. The absolute pain of rejection.
“I’ll be ready to go in the morning. No need to wake me.”
She gathered her clothing from where he’d flung them in the heat of their lovemaking. Then, with every ounce of dignity she possessed, she exited the room, crossed to the guest room, and closed the door.
When it locked behind her, the click was the loudest sound she’d ever heard. It was so much more than ending their time together tonight. It was shutting him out. It was locking him away from every part of her.
It was a kill shot she saw no hope of returning from.
22
AUGUST 24, 2024
Steel
Two dayssince the fuckups of all fuckups.
Wind whipped around them as they stood at the top of Cerro Otto, looking down on the Centro Historico of Bariloche. The team was bundled in winter gear and hiking packs. Upon waking this morning, they had traveled to the mountaintop, posing as a group of snowshoe enthusiasts on an ecotour, with Loki and God posing as guides.
