“Because it was my job as your husband, her son, his father, to protect you.”
She collapsed on the edge of the bed, her arms wrapped around her stomach. “So why did you do it? Why did you leave her?”
He leaned against a dresser across from her, his arms crossed. He closed himself off from her, just like he always did. This didn’t feel like protection for her. It felt like protection for him. A buffer to keep them ever separate. It was only a few feet, but it might as well have been a mile.
“My team doesn’t know the whole story. I only gave them what they absolutely needed. When you and I were being questioned,” he began, “they threatened to deport you andMadreback to Argentinaif I didn’t cooperate. Had that happened, you would have been killed before you even got off the plane. So, I agreed to their plans. New team. Faked death. Work for them in whatever capacity they wanted.
“A few years into that work for the Navy, I was liberated by Waters and offered a job with the corporation he worked for, called Tribe. And here I am. Again, it was on the condition that my family still believed me to be dead. The people we were working against, they could use family and friends as leverage against us, and eventually they proved that to be true. There was no way I was going to run that risk.”
“Your mother was living with dementia. She was of no help to anyone with information.”
He looked over at the wall, his jaw tense as if he were gritting his teeth. “Doesn’t matter. Enemies don’t care. If they know there’s a soft spot, that’s where they hit their opponents. I would have done anything for her. And for you.” He looked back at her. “You never understood that. You never understood what lengths I would go to for you. To make sure you were as happy as you could be. I wanted to give you everything,belleza. And just like then, you’re still making it difficult because you either didn’t see it or you didn’t want what I was offering.”
“I don’t understand.” A sickening churning began in her stomach. She feared she understood exactly what he meant.
“I protected you when others would want to hurt you. I indulged your every whim because I wanted to see you smile. I gave you a child when it was the last thing I should have done.” His voice broke on the mention of their boy.
She opened her mouth to speak, but he held up a hand to stop her.
“Not because I didn’t want our son. But I should have resisted having a child with you because I knew it would be another pressure point with my family. They already had too much ammunition. Too much to keep me there under their thumb. And obviously, it was too dangerous for him, based on what happened.
“When he died, you clutched him in your arms so tightly, it was like you were willing your life into his body. You truly would have given your life for his if you could. I saw the pain in your eyes when you realized he was never coming back. You withdrew, and no matter what I tried, you wouldn’t come back to me.”
“I’d lost my son. It felt like my world had been torn in two.”
“And you don’t think I felt the same?”
“You always seemed so calm,” she said softly. “Like you were taking it in stride. You were cold. You never spoke of him, not to me. It was like you couldn’t.”
“You’re right. I couldn’t. Even thinking about him caused more pain than I’d ever experienced before. I didn’t want to add to your pain. Then, when they told me what the price was for keeping you safe, I grabbed onto it because I thought maybe my leaving would help you heal. If I wasn’t around, you wouldn’t be reminded of his death and how I caused it. I hoped it would let you move on with your life, even if it was without me.” He huffed out a laugh. “It wasn’t as if you’d wanted to marry me in the first place.”
Standing up from the bed, she rubbed a hand across her forehead and moved away from him. The man blamed himself for their son’s death. It was no one’s fault. A terrible tragedy of circumstance. All these years, it must have eaten at him.
With time, if they’d been able to stay together, would they have worked through it? Would they have been able to grieve together and overcome it? Maybe even had other children? She’d loved being a mother, even in the hell that the circumstances had been.
She’d loved everything about being with Ildefanso, aside from his family.
When she turned around, she knew she was on the verge of crying, but he needed to know the truth.
“I never blamed you, Fanso. I was grieving. Angry, yes, but never at you. So lost over my part in his death. He was innocent in our families’ actions, yet he was the one who suffered.” She crossed to him, placing her hands on his forearms where they were folded in front ofhim. “Maybe I didn’t choose to marry you that day, but I chose you every day after. You’re a good man, Fanso. Always were.”
She watched him swallow hard. His silver eyes showed no warmth. He was walling off his emotions. She knew that look well from their time together.
With a sigh, she gave up. There was no reaching him now.
Choosing to refocus on the facts of her situation, she asked, “What happens now?”
“You’ll stay here. We’ll leave guards with you to protect you. Once we take care of my father, rescue our friends… Once we know you’ll be safe, you’ll be moved to another location. Given another identity. You’ll be able to move forward.”
“But without you.”
He moved to the door, opened it, and began to exit. “It’s better this way. Our past sits too heavily between us, and it would only tear us apart again. I choose not to hurt you in that way again.”
He left the room, heading toward the front of the house.
“Estúpido,” she ground out, her eyes on the ceiling. “You married me to a stupid man, then made me fall in love with him.”
15
