Once she started noticing, she couldn’t stop.
Had he always been like this? Had she truly never realized?
Bisma wanted to let him in, but it felt as though her heart was so tightly secured she could not reach it. It tried to break free from its restraints, but it was as if she had locked her heart away so long ago, that she no longer knew where the key was.
A part of her, too, was afraid that once her heart was set free, she would regret the mess it would make.
And yet—she still wanted to. Shewanted.
She couldn’t stop wanting; she didn’t know how. It clung to her all day, like a film over her skin, heavy like a stone sitting in the pit of her stomach, demanding to be acknowledged, to have something done about it.
In the afternoon Xander brought in a tray of food from the main house for them: bread and a lentil stew, along with a pot of tea. They ate, discussing various theories for the cure, as well as talking about random, mundane things.
It was often like this, them talking about things she later could not remember precisely. All she could recall was how easy it was talking to him and listening to him talk. Comfortable and always interesting. She was never bored, not with him.
Today was no different. After they ate, Xander poured her a cup of tea, making it how she liked, and she supposed he had done so numerous times over the past two weeks—surely, she had poured him tea sometime in all these hours they spent working together—but today was the first time she really paid attention.
He knew just how much milk she took, just how much sugar. He had watched and noted and thought it worthremembering, storing this information until it could be useful to him, then applying it to make her this perfect cup of tea, which warmed her hands and soothed her parched throat and made her feel all types of cozy.
Luna was right. He was sokind.
It suddenly made her want to cry.
Her hands shook as she set down the teacup, and she quickly blinked away the tears filling her eyes. And he noticed—of course he noticed. He always did.
And that only made her eyes well up again.
‘What is it?’ he asked, worried. He was sitting across from her and scooted closer. ‘Bis, what did I do?’
‘I’m just not used to …’ The words felt impossible to say, but she had to try. She had told Luna she would, and she wouldn’t break a promise to one of her sisters, no matter how embarrassing it was. ‘I’m not used to being taken care of like this.’
‘What do you mean?’ he asked, his voice gentle. He waited patiently for her to speak, giving her due time to collect her thoughts, to formulate them into something coherent.
She swallowed.
‘A few years ago, I was involved with someone,’ she said. There was that familiar pang, the shame. ‘He didn’t … care about me—he wasn’t very nice, but I liked him so very much … I was young and foolish. And it’s been years, but it still feels so jarring to be treated with kindness from someone who isn’t family.’
‘You deserve all the kindness in the world,’ Xander said, as if this was a foregone conclusion. ‘I’m sorry he made you doubt that—you didn’t deserve to be treated the way you were. I hope you know that.’
‘I know,’ Bisma said, and a tear rolled down her cheek. She swiped it away angrily. ‘That’s what—that’s what makes me so upset. I know I didn’t deserve it, but I was a fool, and I accepted it anyway.’
She stood up for the village girls who needed poisons to fight their bullies, she fought against Luna’s father and her sisters’ abusers, but the first pretty boy who had given her any attention at all, she had fallen at his feet, she did whatever he said, and she wasthankfulfor it, which was what disgusted her the most.
She truly thought he had liked her! But all he had liked was what she was giving him: all her affection, her energy, her time. Everything he wanted, exactly when he wanted it, how he wanted it.
She hated to remember that point in her life; it filled her with absolute horror.
‘That’s why when you’re kind to me it’s … unnerving,’ she said, pushing forward. ‘It feels like a gift I’m not meant to receive, which makes me feel as though you’re trying to trick me, that you’re only doing it for a certain reason, because you want something from me.’
She shook her head. ‘Gregory was nice in the beginning,’ she said, covering her face with her hands, ‘but then once he got what he wanted from me, he changed, and I was a fool for clinging onto the memories of how he was instead of facing the reality in front of me.’
‘You weren’t a fool,’ Xander said. ‘Hey.’ He pulled her hands away from her face, and she looked into his eyes. ‘You were in love,’ he continued. ‘And this Gregory character is the real fool, for not cherishing the treasure that is your affection.’
Xander swallowed, edging closer.
‘Bis,’ he said, taking her hand in his. His skin was warm, soft. ‘I really like you, and I think you like me, too. I understand that you’re scared and hesitant—but I just want you to know that I am not like him. I would never treat you like that.’
At this he broke off, forcing himself to take measured breaths as he clenched his jaw. He was angry on her behalf, angry just at the thought of how she had been treated.
