‘Hmm, that’s abigpenalty,’ I say, but my heart is no longer in this conversation, and now it just seems silly rather than deliciously flirty, because I’m wondering what Jed had to say, and feeling odd – slightly grubby, almost – about the fact that whether or not we have anything in common I do still find Dominic very attractive. I think I feel that way because Jed’s superficial resemblance to Dominic was the whole reason that I got talking to Jed in the first place.
Dominic clearly realises my mood has changed – his smile suddenly looks forced – and he just says, ‘Ha,’ before we mutually move away from each other in the direction of others. Dominic begins to chat to a couple of the men, and I start talking to Judith and Charlotte.
I wait a couple of minutes for a gap in the conversation, before hanging a little behind them to read Jed’s message. I like a sticking plaster do-it-now approach.
It says:
Hi. How are you? How was your Christmas? Been missing you.
Oh. Well. I don’t know what to do with that. I… HaveIbeen missinghim? No, actually. I mean, Idid. It hurt alotwhen we split up, especially because we hadn’t been getting on particularly badly, but because we disagreed on a fundamental issue: whether or not we wanted to try for a baby. (Well, that and the fact that Jed had effectively been lying to me and could not see that there was anything wrong with that.)
I’ve always wanted to have kids. I had a very happy childhood and love my family immensely – yes, I still squabble with my brothers even now, but I also adore them – and obviously I’m around teenagers a lot when I’m at work, teaching, and there’s been no point in my life where I haven’t hoped to have a family in the future. After our relationship became serious, Jed and I did talk about big life issues, like what continent we’d live on and whether or not we’d have a family. Neither of us wanted to move permanently to the other’s continent; we both said we wanted children. We even agreed on the number we’d ideally have (three).
After much discussion, we agreed that we’d settle in Australia initially, with a view to moving to Europe for at least a few years in the future, with – hopefully – our children. I naively believed everything Jed said, and thought that would all work, because, after all, it mirrored what my mum had done moving from Italy to England and then going back for a few years.
I raised the trying-for-a-baby question a few times (basically when we hit our second, third, fourth and fifth wedding anniversaries). The first three times, Jed told me that he definitely wanted to try but wasn’t quite ready. The last time, he told me that he didn’t ever want children and he didn’t ever want to live in England or Italy or any country other than Australia. I felt that he’d lied to me and said so. And he told me that yes, he had, and he’d never meant any of what he’d said before, but: ‘You have to say whatever it takes to get the woman you want, don’t you.’
And from there we had a series of deeply unenjoyable conversations, which culminated in something I would never have imagined happening to us: separation, which will lead to divorce once we’ve completed the necessary legal steps.
I missed him a lot at first. But then I made myself busy with work, and of course family and friends, and if I’m honest, other than thinking that thefactof him not being there was weird, I didn’t really miss him at all over Christmas. And on this trip, I really haven’t thought much about him at all. When we left the café earlier might have been the first time.
I’ll reply later, I decide. This walk is incredible – steep, grassy hills flanked by awe-inspiring stone, through which you get stunning views – and I don’t want to miss seeing any of it because I’m thinking about my ex. I also need to be careful, because we’re climbing over large rock steps and I really don’t want to twist my ankle. I wonder what thechallengingroute was like given that this is definitely not a walk you’d take an elderly or infirm person anywhere near. I’m glad I voted for this one.
I put my phone back into my bag and stride out with Judith and Charlotte again.
Ahead of us, Dominic turns round. His gaze rests on me briefly, and he gives me a quick smile and then turns back.
I think he might have been checking on me, to see that I’m okay. I’m not sure how I feel about that. I think… I think I like it. But maybe I shouldn’t. What if Jed… is regretting our separation? How would that make me feel? Would I want to go back to him? I don’t think so… but I’m not certain.
6
DOMINIC
Platteklip Gorge, our route up Table Mountain, is – while perhaps not as challenging as one or two members of the group would have liked – a beautiful walk. We didn’t come on this trip in the expectation of doing strenuous exercise, so no promises have been broken, and I’m more than happy with this route, which is in any case less straightforward than Maxim led us to believe, with a fairly steep set of natural rock steps zig-zagging up the mountain. The views of the city, harbour and coastline are stunning, and we all comment that we love seeing them from different heights as we ascend.
I do struggle a little, though, to focus on our surroundings as much as I should. I’m spending too much time surreptitiously checking on Flavia. She’s one of the fitter members of the group physically, it seems, however much she didn’t want to do a challenging route, but she was definitely affected by what she was looking at on her phone earlier and has seemed a little distracted since then; I hope it wasn’t any difficult family news. She doesn’t seem keen to catch my eye, so I don’t press my presence on her but walk instead with some of the others.
On arrival at the summit, we see that Table Mountain continues to live up to its reputation. In my experience, not all top tourist attractions do, but it’s fantastic: our hiking efforts have been rewarded by even more stunning views from the top. Apparently there’s a phenomenon called the ‘tablecloth’ that happens sometimes, where a blanket of clouds forms over the summit, but we’re lucky enough to escape it and have a great view of the surrounding peaks, the Atlantic, the city.
We all exclaim over the views and how wonderful it all is, almost as though we personally worked as a team and created it. Hugs are shared (I join in with everyone else) and amongst our group there’s a general sense of at-oneness with the world.
As we descend, a few of the fittest members of the party start mumbling under their breath in the face of the regular rest breaks that Maxim halts us for, and his insistence that we all remain together.
After a while, Mike talks about his Everest base camp trek again, and says that he doesn’tneedto be insured and would like to go off by himself.
‘Terms and conditions of the trip,’ Maxim says, a little tersely.
‘Mike, noooo.’ Flavia leaps into the fray. ‘We’dmissyou. We’re a group now. We’d miss your puns.’
Mike preens a little. He has indeed demonstrated a strong liking for a play on words.
Judith continues Flavia’s good work with a soothing hand on Mike’s arm, which he seems to like alot.
‘Does anyone fancy going for a run round the bay later?’ Flavia asks. ‘Those with pent-up energy.’
‘I’m in,’ Mike says. A couple of the others say they’re in too.
Flavia looks at me with one eyebrow lifted and gives me a slight you-too-I-hope nod.
