“Never say never,” I grit out.
My fist slams into the side of her face as everything goes black.
CHAPTER 17
BOBBY
THEshovel on my shoulder is a ten-ton brick adding to the weight of every step I take. This lane has become a nightmare, one that I can’t escape and will forever mark my soul. The trees sway in the cooling breeze, rustling the leaves on their branches, and I swear I can hear them whispering that they know what I’ve done. Goosebumps trail over my damp skin, sending a shiver down my spine.
I stare straight ahead at the van, but the lane seems to stretch farther and farther, taking longer to get there. This must be what someone on death row feels like as they take their final walk; only mine is just beginning, and I don’t know where the ending is. I thought I understood what could possibly happen by switching sides to find Hazel and Joseph. Even after what Phil did to Hazel, I didn’t think he was a cold-blooded killer. Fucked up in the head and violent, yes. The most I thought I would see would be him slapping Hazel around. As much as that angers me, I could handle it if it meant getting them out and letting Cash deal with Phil the way he needs to. But now I realize that you can’t makeassumptions based on a past situation when there’s a wild card at play. You’ll get blindsided every single time.
I pause at the head of the trail, thinking about what lies in wait for me. How am I supposed to come to terms and find peace in this situation? I thought I was doing the right thing, helping to bring Phil down so that he couldn’t hurt anyone else I cared about, and for the hundreds, and maybe even thousands, who would eventually use a drug that could kill them.
Erick wanted to save me. He stood up to Phil, regardless of the outcome of his actions, so that I wouldn’t be hurt. My best friend stood up to save me, and I did nothing to save him from a fate that should have been mine. I know where I stand in this world. I am not a good man. Would he have done the same thing if the roles were reversed? If Phil had taken Cady and it was her or me? I would like to believe that he would’ve made the same choice I did, but I have a hard time swallowing it down. I think he would’ve found another way, and not sacrificed me to reach an end goal.
The wind dies down as I step into the trees. The rustling whispers stop, as if the trees are bearing witness to the next part of this godforsaken scene I’ve become a player in, surrounding me in an eerie silence. The twigs snapping beneath my feet seem so loud they hurt my ears. I have to keep going, though. He deserves a proper burial, but, right now, all I can give him is this.
When his body comes into view, my knees go weak and cause my feet to trip up beneath me. Memories of him smiling and joking around fill my mind, and I swearI can hear his laughter. His body begins to get fuzzy around the edges as my emotions overflow and tears cloud my vision. I blink them away and rub at my face with the back of my hand as my chest constricts. I clumsily make the last few steps to where he lies in the dirt and overgrowth. My knees hit hard as I drop to the ground by his head.
Once bright, his dull green eyes peek through half-closed lids. Lips, no longer pink, are stained with his blood, and his skin is the strangest shade of whitish gray I’ve ever seen. This is my cross to bear, to remember him this way. Someone has to be able to tell his story. What better person than the coward who stood by and did nothing to prevent it.
“I would do it again. I love you, brother.”
The words he spoke in the van play on a loop in my mind, making my stomach twist in painful knots. He always had my back. No matter what stupid shit I did, or what my family put me through, Erick was always there for me, reminding me that tomorrow was a brand-new day. What about today?
“How am I supposed to make it through today?” The only person who ever had answers for me can no longer supply them. “What the fuck am I supposed to do about today?”
My screams fill the emptiness among the trees as I lean over my friend who is now hollow and changing color as fast as my emotions shift. His chest is hard against my face as my tears saturate his blood-soaked shirt. I lay there in a daze, long after my welldries up, watching as the sun moves across the tops of the trees and listening to the wind blow. Some might think in this moment that they found some semblance of peace, but there is no peace within me. The day’s events have caught up with me, and I’m numb.
Something flits around my eye, and I blink it away. It feels like sandpaper when my lids close. Opening them, I turn my head toward Erick’s face and wish I hadn’t. Gnats fly around his ear and eyes. Some crawl in and out of his nose and mouth. The image of him being eaten alive threatens to break me completely.
I scurry away on hands and knees from his dead body and release the contents of my stomach. Pushing myself back on my heels, I wipe my mouth with my shirt sleeve. I stand and grab the shovel, feeling stronger than I’ve ever felt in my life. Shoving the point into the ground, I stomp on it and pull back on the handle to begin digging. I’ve never been a religious person. I’m not even sure there’s a God. But with every clump of dirt I scoop from the ground, I say a prayer for my friend; that wherever he goes, it treats him better than the time he spent here on earth.
CADY
Shell shocked. That’s the only term I can come up with to describe how I feel right now. After reliving the events aloud to Cash and Dale, I haven’t been able to push them from my mind. Erick’s face as he confronted Bobby. The way it contorted when he yelled at Phil. The gunshot. God, the gunshot. I’ve heard them before,but nothing prepared me for hearing one today. Nothing could ever prepare me for watching someone be shot. It’s horrific. It doesn’t happen quickly. What took a matter of seconds feels like minutes. The moment seems to take forever, and the sound of the gun discharging is more like an explosion rippling out than a bang. At least, in my mind it does. It probably always will.
I remained on the same spot on the couch, not realizing how much time had passed. Cash and Dale moved silently through the apartment, reminding me of how I acted around Hazel. Now I understand why she got so upset with me. After a while, I fell asleep. I wasn’t able to escape my daymares there, either. They only followed me and unleashed even more horrors. At one point, I thought I was burning in the fires of hell as Phil relentlessly tortured me by killing everyone I loved, over and over again, just to watch me suffer.
The dream forces me awake, only to discover that I am curled up in Dale’s lap with a blanket wrapped around me. My body is soaked with sweat, and I’m sticking to him and his clothes. Between the heat emanating from his body and the blanket trapping it in, I’m suffocating, but I’m so overheated I can barely move. His chin rests atop my head while his arms are draped around me, keeping me close to him. It is comforting. More than comforting. I don’t want it to end, but it triggers my guilt and starts the cycle all over again, making my emotional roller coaster surge out of control.
Just as I’m about to push away from him, Cash walksinto the room.
“Who was that on the phone?” Dale whispers. But his deep voice still rumbles through his chest, vibrating my cheek.
“I think we should go outside and talk,” Cash responds.
Even though the blanket is covering most of my face, I feign sleep so I can listen to their discussion.
Dale’s arm tightens around me, and he uses his hand to smooth my hair away from my face. “She’s asleep. I don’t want to wake her. She just settled down and stopped crying.”
I was crying in my sleep? Would make sense after watching Erick get shot and having that horrible dream. I’m a little shocked I didn’t wake myself up, though.
“It was Bobby.” His quiet, monotone voice breaks my heart all over again. “He…he told me where we would find Erick when this is all over. He wanted us to know in case something happens to him.”
My gut instinct told me Erick was gone, but hearing it aloud makes it real. The weight of it crushes down on my chest, squeezing my heart and lungs.
Erick is gone. Bobby was part of it. I’m angry with him, and worried about him at the same time. The look on his face before they left me stranded in the abandoned industrial park left me wondering if he would end himself or Phil. I can’t imagine what he witnessed with Erick, and I’m not sure I want to know what he saw. Ijust wish that I could hold him, and we could share our grief together.
