I’d hoped that it would lighten the mood, but Ella just stares at me with sad eyes. She doesn’t say anything, but her expression pleads for me to walk away. The only problem is that I wasn’t lying when I said I can’t. Now that I know how funny and smart and kind she is, how can Ipretend that I don’t care? I need her to know how I feel about her. “We need to talk.”
“About what?” She looks back down at her feet.
“About what happened in there.” She still won't look at me. I worry that my voice won’t convey how important she is. I need her to see the earnestness in my expression. I reach out and lift her chin so that she’s looking at me. “About us.”
She steps back and shakes her head. “Sure, let’s talk about us. And when we’re done, we can talk about Citrus Scholar. And college. Maybe we can talk about all the reasons there shouldn’t be anusand why it’s better for you to turn around and go back inside before we hurt each other more than we have to.”
“No, no, no.” I close the distance she put between us. “We don’t have to hurt each other.”
A single tear runs down her cheek. “It’s going to happen.”
I reach out and wipe the tear away. “Maybe it doesn’t have to.”
She blinks at me like she can’t understand the words that I’m saying.
“I like you, Ella.” I take a deep breath. “A lot. And I can’t stand the idea of not spending time with you because of Citrus Scholar or college. We don’t know who is going to get the scholarship, and we don’t have our college acceptance letters yet. Why would we punish ourselves for the unknown?”
“Because the unknown is going to hurt.”
“A lot of things hurt.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, come on. You know how hard things can be. Our families, school…life. It hurts for lots of reasons. We don’t get to choose so much of what we’re dealt. We just have to go along with it.” I reach out and grab her hands. I squeeze them to stop the shaking in my own. “But we get to choose whether or not we want to spend time together. It might be painful at some point, but maybe it won’t.”
“Connor—”
“Maybe we’ll end up at the same college.”
“You know I’m trying to go out-of-state.”
“Well, I applied to some out-of-state schools, too.” I hadn’t told her before now because I didn’t want to freak her out, but every time she told me about a college she was applying to, I secretly added it to my CommonApp. It’s not like I’m trying to stalk her or anything. I won’t follow her to college if she doesn’t want me to, but my parents don’t care how many schools I apply to. It’s as simple as clicking through a few screens and hitting submit. Why wouldn’t I want to do that? If my relationship with Ella turns into something serious, I want to be prepared.
Her eyes widen. “Did you really?”
“What do you think?”
“Of course you did.”
The ghost of a smile touching her lips emboldens me. “And maybe Dr. Freck is so proud of us for getting along that we both get the scholarship. Or maybe they split itevenly. Or maybe you get a full-ride to an out-of-state school because you’re so smart.”
“Or maybe you’re the one who has to get the full-ride to an out-of-state school because Iamso smart and I get Citrus Scholar.” Her smile turns playful.
Warmth courses through me, and I laugh. “In your dreams, Adams.”
She releases my hands to push my shoulder. “I guess we’ll see.”
“But that’s what I’m trying to say. We can figure this out. We don’t have to break up out of fear of the future.”
Ella’s smile falls. “Break up?”
My heart stops. Did I say that out loud? We haven’t defined our relationship. As far as she’s concerned, there is no relationship between us. But in my head, we’ve been dating for a while. I’ve just been waiting for her to realize it. That was what I wanted to talk to her about tonight before everything got all mixed up.
My throat is dry. I try to clear it. “You know what I mean.”
“No, I don’t.” She shakes her head, and her blonde curls dance around her shoulders with the movement. They’re so perfect, and I’ve wanted to reach out and touch them all night. “Explain it to me like I’m the lowly salutatorian.”
I take a steadying breath and put my hands in my pockets. They’re shaking again. With a low voice, I say, “I would like to be your boyfriend.”
