I rest my hand on his knee. He covers mine with his. The heat of him flows through me, comforting. Grounding. Familiar. I feel like we’ve been doing this for a lifetime, even though we just started touches like this a day ago.
“Reg’s backyard was a little bit more chaotic. It was all garden. No grass. No patio stones. Although, later, there were planter beds and trellises. I liked that it wasn’t entirely orderly. It made it his, and anything he touched wasawesome.”
Wizard’s hand travels up my arm. It brushes over my shoulder. I shed my jacket when we got here, but I still have my hoodie on. The evening sunlight doesn’t reach the back deck, so I’m not boiling. He pulls me in against him and I’m happy to lean in and rest my head on his shoulder. I scoot over another inch so that every bit of us is touching. Thighs, knees, all the way down to our ankles.
“How are you holding up?”
“I’m okay. I think. Mom fell asleep pretty quick after we got here. She’s passed out like she hasn’t felt safe enough to do that in half a lifetime.” He strokes my hair, and having him here to lean on makes it easier for me to be honest with myself. “I think that I blamed my parents for all my mistakes. Like my dad said, I was trying to put it all on them, but I’ve been an adult for a long time.”
“I don’t think you’re blaming them.”
“What we saw from my dad today… that wasn’t what a stable man should look like. I feel like he’s on the edge, but the edge of what, I have no idea.”
Wizard nods. He brushes a kiss over the crown of my head, smoothing my hair back and tucking it behind my ear.
“I think it’s time. Time for my mom. Time for me. Time for all of us to let go of trauma and break the whole cycle. Part of that is helping my mom. Part of it is not giving up on my dad.”
I breathe out tremulously and fill my lungs so I have the strength to get my next words out. “I know you see a bad man. Iknowyou do. I promise that he never hit me. If he threw my mom around or bullied her, I wasn’t home for it and she never told me, even when I begged her to. He’s mean with words. He’s cutting and spiteful. He puts holes in the walls and kicks and yells and throws things and breaks things. It’s scary, but he’s not the kind who beats women. Ipromise.”
“Okay,” Wizard responds cautiously.
“You looked like you wanted to go back there and straighten him out earlier. Not with words either.”
“I might have wanted to shake him or throttle him,” he admits, “but I never would have done that. Your dad’s a person, just like anyone else. I’ve seen men come back. I’ve seen people change. I believe in that, but only if they want to.”
I close my eyes and revel in Wizard’s goodness. In his unshakeable faith in people who should have been left to their own devices. In his ability to save everyone around him just by existing. He makes me want to be a better person, even though he’s never asked for a single thing. He didn’t demand that I change. He never would have told me how he felt if I hadn’t figured it out.
“I know it’s not my job to save him,” I clarify. I trace little circles on Wizard’s buttery soft denim right above his knee. “I want to provide some context. Things I might not have told you before.” He waits patiently for me to continue. “My mom’s parents disowned her when she got pregnant with me, and my dad was raised by a single mother. My grandma. We saw her sometimes. She’s across the country now. She wasn’t well off and seemed relieved the second my dad moved out, that she didn’t have to look after him anymore. He never had anyone in his life that taught him how to be a man or how to be a dad. I know your dad wasn’t so shit hot, but you had Reg and you have the guys at the club to help you figure out what being a good man looks like. My dad mostly had poverty and the same toxic masculinity that James likes to cloak himself in.”
“You’re likely right about that. Can you stop and see that?”
I’m not sure what he means. He gives me some time before he continues.
“Can you see yourself defending people who don’t deserve it? That’s grace.” When I look up at him, he peppers kisses over my forehead. “That’s kindness. Your whole heart is steeped in goodness.” He drops a kiss to the tip of my nose. “Can you see that, from the outside looking in?”
“I…maybe.” It’s a hard thing to hold his stare, but I force myself to do it. I drown out the voices in my head that whisper shit about me being unworthy of being here. Of being with him. “I’m trying.”
He leans in and skims his lips right near my ear. “I’m so proud of you, Esme. If you need to hear anything tonight, listen to that. Let me tell you that you’re brave, that you’re strong and compassionate, and that I love you.”
I curl around to face him. He makes it so easy to throw my arms around his neck. I lean in, pressing our foreheads together. I love being so close to him that our breaths whisper against each other’s lips. I can’t resist kissing him. I skim my lips against his, seeking comfort and connection more than passion, though embers stir low in my belly. I pull back before I can get carried away.
I use the space to study him shamelessly. The sun isn’t hot in the backyard, but it casts enough golden light and shadows across the deck that it does wondrous things to Wizard’s face. As if he needs any help. He’s already so beautiful, but the sun’s golden rays adore him, lighting up his eyes and highlighting his strong cheekbones and the bow of his upper lip. My breath catches and refuses to unspool from my lungs.
He did all of this for me. A lifetime’s worth, but also…today.
I want to do something special for him. My mind is already shaping around an idea. Something just for him.
Our fingers thread together again. “Do you think you could get another two days off? Maybe not right away, but sometime soon? I’d like to do something together.”
His eyes search mine, his face going blank, then slowly, the corners of his lips turn up and a radiant smile blooms over his face. He’s even more spectacular than he was a few seconds ago. The breath punches out of me. I never thought I’d be able to have a moment like this, let alone days, weeks, months, or years.This. This could be my life.Hecould be my future.
“I think I could manage to get someone to cover for me again.”
I hope Ella isn’t looking out the back window, or if she is, that she’s not easily scandalized by PDA. She doesn’t strike me as the type to be scandalized about anything, honestly.
I close the distance between us and kiss him. There’s more heat than before, but our lips move slowly. We take our time, exploring. I bring my hand up and cup the side of his face. I taste him and mint and the future. Fireworks on rooftops together, campfires and mountain cabins, motorcycle rides under moonlight skies, studying stars together, myths and memories.
I could lose myself in him, and I want to, but now isn’t the right time. I break away reluctantly. My hand tightens around his. “My mom is going to stay here tonight.” My voice sounds wrecked. I take a deep breath and try again. “We talked about it before she fell asleep. I want to wait until she’s up before we leave, but I’m going to give her my phone and she can reach us by calling you, if she needs us. I made her promise that she won’tgo back to the house without me. She has to decide what she’s going to do, but she has to get her things if she’s leaving. She’s okay staying here without me. I—I’d like to go back home with you, if that’s okay?”
