She traces a path over my cheek. “All these little freckles. Your hairs. Your eyes. Your lips. They’re all so beautiful. But it’s the light that radiates out of you that’s the most beautiful.”
I want to snort about that all being nonsense, but I can’t. Not when Esme’s looking at me like I really am made of sunbeams and fairy fucking dust.
“There’s nothing about you that isn’t worthy of adoring.”
She says it like she does. For one terrible instant, I want to blurt all the other words inscribed onto the surface of my soul. That I belong to her. That I dream of a world where she could belong to me too. Where she’d choose me. Want me. Where she’d tell me that I don’t have to be perfect and I don’t need to deliver the whole world into her hands. I just need to be me. She only wantsme.
I want to haul her back into this tub and settle her on my lap. I want to crawl inside of her. I want to kiss her and never stop. I also know that what we’re doing right now, her looking at me like this, touching me so tenderly, is closer than our hearts have ever been, and I don’t want to do anything to break this spell. It’s like black magic. I don’t understand it. I don’t even know if I can believe in it. I’m still so bruised that one misstep on my part, and I’d probably start crying. Then ugly crying. And just… god, I can’t imagine anything more mortifying.
“You always know what to say to calm me down when I’m freaking out.” Esme smiles at me so softly that I tie myself into endless knots. “I can be having the worst panic attack, or the worst anxiety, and just a few words, or a single touch, and it’s better. Not always gone, but better.” Her eyes get glassy, misting over. I don’t want her to cry. I might tip over the edge and follow her.
She traces her thumb over my bottom lip. I want to open and suck it into my mouth, but I pull back a fraction instead. “It was a dream,” I admit. I’m ashamed about the way it started and horrified by the end. “A nightmare, really. It was vivid. There were things I didn’t want to see and don’t ever want to imagine. How… how it might have all gone differently with those men and—you. If you hadn’t come to me to ask for help.”
Her teeth scrape over her bottom lip. She worries it a few times, until it’s cherry red. “That would have been awful.” She brushes her lips over my wrist. “I hate that you’re upset about anything at all.” She draws in a shaky inhale and stands.
She sweeps one of the fluffy black towels off the rack and wraps it around her sodden pajamas. She holds the other out to me like a peace offering. I get out and she slings it around my waist. Her eyes rake over me then dart around the bathroom, landing everywhere but on my face.
“It’s probably a few hours before dawn, but I don’t see us going back to sleep. I was thinking about starting a fire again. We could sit outside and watch it. Maybe we could… talk there?”
“Yeah.” I’m awkward now that the spell is over. I can’t look at Esme either.
“You should eat something.”
“Yeah.” Even thethoughtof food sends my stomach spinning, but I’ll eat it because she asked me to.
“Okay. I’ll get changed and, uh, see you out there?”
I clutch the towel around me tightly, but I’m still dripping little puddles all over the floor. “Yeah.” It would be great if I could say something else, but Esme seems almost relieved to be able to get out of here.
I understand. The air is so thick with emotional turmoil that it’s nearly a biohazard to breathe in.
She stops at the door. She doesn’t turn around, and she speaks so quietly I barely hear her. “I know you spent a lot ofbad days totally alone. This is a bad night, but I’m here, and we’ll get through it.”
After she’s gone, I press the heels of hands into my eyes to stop the flow of moisture, but it seeps out from beneath anyway.
Chapter 13
Esme
I’m no outdoorsman. Woman. Whatever. Wizard doused the fire thoroughly before we went to bed. He used three big buckets of water and stirred the ashes around to make sure it was out. There’s still a soggy mess in the firepit. I ignore it and grab enough dry, split kindling so I can try and replicate what he did earlier.
I stack the split sticks in a circle with their points meeting in the middle. They hold each other up after I get a few standing. I grab a handful of bark and stuff it all under, then reach for the blowtorch.
It might not be the traditional way to start a fire, but Wizard made it look like fun. I’ve never used one before, but all he did was twist the knob and press the little button. Lining the torch end up with the bark, I give it a go. I have to click the button a few times, but then blue flame shoots out in a steady stream. The bark ignites immediately. I get the torch out of the way, shut it off, and add more bark so that the little wood curls on the sticks start to catch. I really shouldn’t feel this great a surge of triumph, but fuck it.
The kindling catches and burns steadily, so after a few moments, I add a few larger pieces. Not sticks, but not full chunks either. I’ll give that a chance to get going before I break out the big boys.
The wicker patio furniture with the plush cushions seems even more inviting than it did earlier. It’s been more thanthirty minutes since I left Wizard in the bathroom. I don’t know if I should go check on him or not. How much of his privacy can I intrude on? How much of hislife?
It might be summer, but up in the mountains, the air has a chill. The breeze isn’t ice, but it’s cold enough to make me shiver in my thin shirt. I duck back into the cabin. It’s quiet. The door to Wizard’s room is shut tight, with no light seeping from underneath.
I didn’t even bring a coat with me. There are a few hanging on the pegs beside the door. Wizard opened up the cabin when we got here, airing it out, making sure all the beds were clean. He hung up his jackets near the door while I walked around, trying to find something to do that was useful.
I think I’ve done enough damage, all told, that borrowing one for a little bit won’t matter. I pick the plaid flannel work looking jacket, well-worn and riddled with stains, and carry it outside with me. It looks as though it could use a good wash, so smoking it up at the fire will probably be okay.
As soon as I shrug it on, I’m immediately inundated with Wizard’s scent. My eyes get hot again. I stubbornly blink fast, and then faster. My heart twists and wrenches, but it’s not nearly as bad as seeing a man who has always been so strong and solid, shatter into little pieces in the bathroom.
The cabin door squeaks open and shuts quietly. I quickly wipe away the tears with the side of my hand and use the jacket to mop up my face.
