“It’s not your fault,” he said. “Those guys are dickheads.”
“They were telling the truth,” I blurted out. “I did lead that guy on. And all the others. I let them think…” I trailed off, unable to say it.
“Like I said, you can change your mind whenever you like.” His voice was gentle. If I wasn’t so upset, I’d find it odd.
“It’s not that,” I said, shaking my head. “I wasn’t trying to mess with them. I wanted to sleep with them at the time. I just…”
“You just what?” His voice was soft.
“I just freaked out.”
“It’s normal to get nervous.”
“It’s not that,” I interrupted. “Everyone thinks I’m this girl who spends her weekends partying and hooking up. And I do go to parties. But I don’t…I’ve never…I’m a virgin, okay?” As soon as the words escaped me, I wished I could take them back. I looked around the cafe, checking if anyone had overheard me. But everyone was busy with their own conversations or studies.
I turned back to Ryan, who was expressionless, as usual.
“I know you’re judging me right now,” I said.
“I’m not judging you.”
“You look like you’re judging me.”
“I’m not,” he said. “If anything, I’m a bit surprised.” He hesitated. “Are you waiting for marriage?”
“No,” I said. “I want to have sex. I want it so much. I think about it all the time.” My cheeks heated, because I realized I was talking about this to Ryan Montgomery of all people. “And every time I go home with a guy, I think it’ll finally be the night I lose it. But…I don’t know, maybe it’s stupid.” I sucked in a deep breath. “If I’m honest with myself, I don’t want to lose my virginity when we’re both tipsy. I don’t want to have to explain that I’m a virgin and see him judge me. And maybe I could just not tell him, but then maybe he wouldn’t be gentle. And then it would hurt. I’ve tried…I’ve tried, you know. With my finger. But it hurt so I couldn’t do it.” I felt breathless as I finished my speech, because it was freeing to say all my fears out loud. Then I felt a dawning horror, because I’d said all of that toRyan.
But he didn’t look cold or judgmental. “That’s very fair,” he said.
My shoulders relaxed. “Yeah?”
“Of course,” he said. “Your first time should be with someone who’ll take care of you. If he does it right, it won’t hurt. At least, not that much.”
“How do you know?” I asked.
His expression shuttered. “I have had sex before,” he said, voice dry.
“No,” I said. “I didn’t mean that. I mean…have you done it before with a virgin?” That was an invasive question. “You don’t have to answer,” I quickly added.
“It’s okay,” he said. “The first time I had sex, we were both virgins.”
“Was she your girlfriend?”
He shook his head. “No.” For a moment, he looked embarrassed, but maybe I imagined it. “We were lab partners. I took Chemistry in my freshman year. We weren’t even friends,really. We just did it because it was something to do. Something to try.”
“And?”
“We put down a towel. She bled a little bit, and she said it hurt a little bit at the beginning, but…she seemed to enjoy it.” Pink bloomed on his cheekbones. “What?” he said, catching me staring.
“I’ve never seen you blush before.”
“I’m not blushing,” he snapped, then composed himself. “The point is, it can be good for you. If he’s gentle.”
“Have you had sex a lot?”
His jaw firmed. “I know you think I’m some nerdy loser, but even nerdy losers fuck.”
“I don’t think you’re a nerdy loser,” I said. “You’re gorgeous.”
