“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m the worst.”
“It’s okay. I was mean too,” I admitted, thinking of how I’d called him a nerd and a loser. I’d never expected we’d end up likethis.
“Do you want to watch a movie?” Ryan asked after a long moment.
“Sure,” I said, since I didn’t have any better ideas.
So he leaned over to grab the remote control and turned on the TV. We ended up watching the first film suggested by Netflix.It might have actually been a good movie, but I wouldn’t have known.
Sitting there, in Ryan’s lap, stretched out and filled up was its own kind of torture. Sometimes I shifted slightly, just to see what it would feel like, but immediately Ryan placed his hands on my waist, preventing me from moving.
I couldn’t pay attention to the TV screen. Instead, I felt the rise and fall of Ryan’s chest as he breathed. I felt his exhale against my neck, raising goosebumps. I focused on how he felt inside of me, hard and thick and warm.
After ninety minutes, I felt like I was going to die.
“I think that’s enough for tonight,” Ryan said, taking me off his waist like I weighed nothing. It felt strange, to be suddenly empty. My legs felt like jelly as I found my pants and underwear and dressed myself.
He got dressed too, and we stood in front of the door, staring at each other.
“Are you going to fuck me next time?” I asked.
“I promise.”
“You better,” I said, sounding more combative than I felt. “You’ve teased me all evening and I didn’t even get an orgasm out of it.”
“I promise you’ll cum next time.”
I nodded, adjusting my grip on my handbag. I wasn’t sure what to say. “Thank you, Ryan. For tonight.”
He stared at me, then stepped forward, leaning down, and for a second, I thought he was going to kiss me. And I realized I wanted it, I really wanted it, the feel of his lips on mine, the graze of his jaw, the warmth of his mouth.
And then he pressed his lips against my forehead. “Get home safe,” he murmured.
I spent the whole walk home in a daze.
CHAPTER SIX
For our next session, Ryan told me to meet at The Cozy Bean at eight o’clock at night.
“I don’t understand why we’re meeting here,” I said when I arrived, taking off my sky blue cardigan. It was a warm spring night. It wouldn’t be long until summer.
Ryan looked up from his laptop, raising a brow at me. Every time I saw him, I was reminded all over again of how goddam attractive he was. “If we go to mine, we won’t get any studying done.”
“I studied last time,” I pointed out.
“Yeah, and I had to go into another room so I wouldn’t touch you,” he said. “Want a drink? Hot chocolate with mini marshmallows, right?”
“How do you know that?”
“You order the same thing every time,” he replied. “Sit down, I’ll order for us.”
I sat down and took my books while he headed to the counter, and tried not to read into the fact he remembered my drink order. It didn’t mean anything. Ryan was a smart guy. He probably observed a thousand things a day.
I opened up my textbook. Only a few days ago, the equations and graphs had given me a headache. Now, I understood what I read. It was like I’d been given the skill to read a new language. For the first time, I wasn’t afraid I’d fail my redemption exam.
Ryan returned, placing my hot chocolate in front of me, which was topped with whipped cream and tiny pink and white marshmallows.
“Thank you,” I said.
