There were other things, too. I noticed a different kind of change in him about halfway through his trip. He started talking about Jesus. It wasn't like he had a spiritual experience oranything. He never mentioned anything happening. He just said to me that Sam bought him a Bible and that he started studying. And then later in our conversations, he would casually mention these deep concepts—things that would make me look into it for myself. Ash seemed relieved that it was starting to make sense to him. He seemed happy in general, and I couldn't help but feel even more drawn to him as I watched him learn and grow. He was still Ash. He was still this cool, confident rockstar. If anything, he was cooler now. I loved that he was willing to jump into something new.
When he left for California, I did not think I deserved him. But a lot had changed since then. Quite honestly, I wasn't sure if I deserved him now. On paper, he was a couple of years younger than me, and he should probably try to find someone without quite so much trauma or baggage. Part of me might always defer back to those feelings. But having a spiritual foundation somehow subdued my insecurities. I'm not sure how it worked, but my level of confidence and feelings of assurance were directly affected by Ash mentioning the Bible. I didn't know how that was even possible, other than to say that it was as if I thought God could help him love me.
It still felt too good to be true in the sense that I didn't mention it to people in my life. During the last couple of months, Ash took up a lot of space in my heart and mind, but I never mentioned it to Carly, Cal, or anyone else I was close with.
I did mention Ash to Luna, but it wasn't in regard to my feelings about him. I would say facts about him in passing that were meant for her to grow familiar with him, like I was. No one knew how much he meant to me. I wasn't even sure if I was ready to admit to myself how much he meant to me. He had left for California a month ago, and since then, I had been keeping news of my relationship with him to myself.
My role in the musical wasn't difficult for experienced theater people, but it was a lot for me. I had to work hard to keep up with Luna, the restaurant, and learn my role in the play. I missed Ash, and I couldn't wait to see him again, but my plate had been extremely full while he was gone, so that helped.
Unfortunately, he would miss the show.
The director of his movie was the one who set their schedule, and Ash had purchased his ticket weeks ago based on that information. We knew he would miss it in person, but our Friday night performance was filmed, so he would be able to watch it once they posted it.
The week leading up to the show and the whole weekend of the show were a massive whirlwind. Josie wasn't planning on coming to Montana for it, but she couldn't resist, and she made plans to fly here for the weekend.
I had people lined up to help with Luna during show week, but Josie's presence was so helpful, and I was thankful to have her there with me.
At the moment, I wasn't feeling thankful. Josie was not picking up her phone, and panic was coursing through my body. I could not think about anything besides fishnet stockings at the moment.
I gave up on Josie and called Carly from backstage. I knew they were both in the audience. My heart was racing.
"Hey, Gwen, do you have an extra pair of fishnets?" I asked a girl as she passed.
"No, why?"
I turned and let her see the back of my leg, and she gasped. "What happened?"
"Katherine set her curling iron on them."
"Oh, I bet you were so mad," Gwen said.
I just smiled stiffly. The truth was that Katherine had been mad at me because she ended up with a melted mess on her curling iron.
"Why'd you even put them on?"
"Because it's my last pair. I've used four pairs this weekend. I was hoping it wouldn't show."
She stood back. "It shows. You could just put holes in them all over and make it look intentional."
I smiled, but I didn't like her suggestion. I called Carly again. I was panicked and nervous before every show, even when things were all going according to plan.
All I needed was a new pair of fishnet stockings. I had a pair of them at my house, some that I thought were overkill and were on my counter waiting to go back to the store.
My mind was focused on finding a way to get them. I thanked Gwen and held the phone to my ear, waiting and praying for Carly to answer.
"Hey, sorry. I couldn’t find my phone. I'm here! It's packed—even more than Friday!"
"Carly, I'm so glad you picked up. I need a huge favor," I said in a rushed tone.
"Sure. What?"
***
It was exactly fifteen minutes later when Carly pulled up at the backstage door. I had been on stage already, but I had pants over my stockings in the opening act.
I went to the back door as soon as I came off the stage, and Carly was pulling up. She knew how anxious I was, so she was driving fast, and I ran out to the little driveway in costume to meet her. She rolled down the passenger's window for me to retrieve the stockings.
"I owe you so much for this. Sorry you missed part of the show.
