“Yeah,” Saskia said, and swallowed. “Yeah, it is.”
“Okay?” Kivi murmured, stepping in front of her and kissing her softly before pressing their foreheads together. “Sorry, I don’t mean to push. I know this is hard.”
“It’s bearable so far,” Saskia said, and stepped away. “Come on, then. On with the next recipe.”
By the end of the afternoon, they had made chicken and vegetable skewers, three different types of scone (plain, cherry, and white-choc-raspberry), two carrot cake traybakes since Elliot’s greengrocer had a glut of early carrots, and Kivi’s classic chickpea curry. Under Saskia’s old internal food classification system, the vast majority of fruits and vegetables were classed as ‘pure’, so this at least made her able to breathe a little easier. The hardest ones had been the scones. Because of the butter and sugar.
But they were blown out of the water by the last recipe Kivi produced. Eggs made it back to the table, followed by flour, baking spread and sugar. For a moment, Saskia wondered if yet more scones were on the cards, but then cocoa was added. And milk. And chocolate.
“Finally something decadent,” Kivi said. “Chocolate muffins. That okay with you, mignette?”
“Sure…” Saskia said absently, then realised what Kivi had said. Despite her anxiety, her mouth twitched. “What did you call me?Mignette?”
“Yep,” Kivi shrugged, but her cheeks were going red. “It’s just something my mum used to call me. It’s a pet name. I don’t think it has a meaning.”
“Uh… do you meanmignonette?” Saskia couldn’t help but laugh. “Mignetteisn’t a word.”
“It isn’t?”
“I should know. I’m the writer. You’re probably thinking of a vignette.Mignonetteis French for cute. Or dainty. Is that what you were going for?”
“Probably,” Kivi chuckled, her cheeks growing ever redder. “I’m just a dork.”
Saskia’s heart fluttered. It was just so sweet. “Declarations of love one day, pet names the next. What other relationship milestones are we going to get back to front?”
Now Kivi’s cheeks twitched, and she averted her gaze. Saskia could almost see the shift in her mood. Her own gaze shifted too – downwards, to the floor.
“I didn’t mean to blurt it out like that,” Kivi muttered. “I know it’s too soon. I know most people waitmonthsto say it, not just nine days, but-”
“Kivi!” Saskia swatted her. “Put a sock in it. I said it too, did I not?”
“You probably felt obligated,” Kivi said. “I wouldn’t blame you. I did have you in a rather… compromising position.”
“With your hand up my blouse? Yes, I remember.” Saskia smiled at the memory. “But I’m glad you said it. I’d already thought it, earlier in the day. It was a relief to know that my feelings were reciprocated.” She realised she’d saidwere,and off Kivi’s raised eyebrows, added, “Arereciprocated. Because nothing’s changed. We know how each other feels now. That’s all.”
“All the same, don’t you feel like we’re rushing in?” Kivi bit her lip.
“Doyou?”
“No,” Kivi replied after a pause. “It feels natural. But I can’t tell if I’m just… being impulsive. Chasing the highs that come withthe first heady days of a relationship, since I haven’t been in one for so long. And I did rather… say it on impulse. In the heat of the moment.”
“So you’re saying youdon’tlove me?” Saskia’s heart felt like it was plummeting into the depths of her shoes.
“N-no,” Kivi stammered, going bright red. Saskia’s eyebrows almost flew off into her hairline, so Kivi quickly added, “No, Ido.That’s not what I meant. ‘No’ as in I’m not saying that I don’t love you. It just… feels wrong to say it so quickly. So early on.”
“Who says it’s wrong?” Saskia pressed. “Society?”
“Y-yes. They always say that relationships that are rushed tend to fail catastrophically, and I couldn’t handle it if this failed-”
“Societysays that? Haven’t you spent the last forty-eight hours reminding me that we sayfucksociety?Fucksocietal expectations?”
“Um… yes.” When presented with the logic of her own words, Kivi relaxed, and scrubbed at her eyes with her fists, leaving a chocolatey smear over her eyebrow. It was endearing, despite everything, and Saskia didn’t resist when Kivi moved in for a hug. “Sorry. I’m okay. That was just a little wobble. It’s what happens when I don’t have work to do: my thoughts crowd in. I’m okay. And I do love you.”
If she hadn’t been looking up, directly into Saskia’s eyes, when she said the last four words, Saskia wouldn’t have believed her. Her tone was distracted, listless, as if her innermost thoughts were drowning everything else out. But her eyes were steady. Determined. Certain. There was no mistaking that kind of look.
“Then I guess we’d best get back to making these muffins,” Saskia said, giving them both an out.
They didn’t exchange many words as they mixed together the ingredients, both lost in their own thoughts again. Anxiety was churning in Saskia’s gut, with a faint background of nausea, not helped by the rich chocolatey smell in the kitchen.If she’s already having doubts, are we doomed to fail?
