“I couldn’t see very well and tripped and hit my head against a rock. I kept going anyway and I still couldn’t find her, so I hoped that she had returned home or would do so. Two days later, Reuben found her body in the garden. I couldn’t help but blame myself for what happened. I should have been able to do better, I should have protected her and because I failed... I have grown afraid of seeing people get hurt in front of me. When I looked up and you were gone – completely out of sight, something in me was immediately unsettled. I acted rather impulsively and I am sorry. For that and for leaving you alone. I needed to calm myselfdown, because I knew it would be of no use – if I kept acting like an overbearing mother of a young cub,” he lowered his head in shame.
Jane felt bad for not realizing that he had panicked and was only responding to the pain and grief the past had scarred him with. Slowly, she shuffled closer and put her hand on his gently.
“Thank you, for saving me and ensuring I was taken care of. You are a good man, Thomas. I wish you would not allow yourself to be haunted by what happened then. None of it was your fault. You did what you could – you went out to search for her. You even sustained an injury in the process. None of that was your fault,” she assured softy.
The more she got to know him, the more apparent it became that he was nothing like she had believed him to be.
“I cannot help but feel as though I am consistently falling short at everything I try to do, everything I attempt to accomplished. My family... they did not care for me in the slightest. They had their heir and spare, so I was useless. I was constantly ignored, overlooked, and no matter what I did, I could not compare to my older brothers and sister. Eventually, they sent me of to join the army – as that was the only way I could make myself useful to the family. Things weren’t better there, as you can imagine, with me being in the middle of a war zone and all. After two years, I received word that my entire family had passed from a disease that claimed them rather quickly and I was expected to return and assume the title of duke. My parents had already signed a marriage contract with a woman who was meant to be my olderbrother’s betrothed, for the sake of the title, so I had to marry her, now that he was no more.
“I thought it would not matter much who I was, since it had been an arranged marriage. Or rather... I had hoped, but that was not the case. Eliza was greatly dissatisfied with our union and I realized that far too late. She seemed to hate me from the moment we met. I held the belief that she would adjust in time – after all, I had not expected to marry either, but there was little we could do about it. However, she was intent on hating me for as long as she lived. Nothing I did was right. She complained about my scars, called me inept and soon, the unhappiness she felt about our marriage started to reflect in the way she related with Reuben. She hated him as well and in a bid to stay away from her, I began to avoid him as well, since their rooms were close to each other. I suppose that was how I unintentionally built a rift between Reuben and I. And then she started to fall ill. I did everything I could – summoned all sorts of doctors but none of them could help her properly. And she only grew worse, losing her mind gradually, until that night. I still see her face in my dreams, how vacant her eyes looked when we found her, alerted by Reuben’s screams. She must have died from a fever, all alone in the dark. I just wish –”
“You cannot fix it now. You did what you could then – and you did quite a bit. You deserve more credit than you have allowed yourself to have in the last few years. It was not your fault, Thomas. You are a good man. It is evident in how much you care for Reuben. How much you care for me. You should give yourself more leeway,” Jane insisted, moving closer to him.
He looked at her, his eyes carrying so much pain and exhaustion, Jane wished she could embrace him and shoulder some of his burdens. She raised her hand to his face, lightly tracing his scars with the tips of her fingers.
“It is such a shame,” she whispered as her eyes trailed after her finger as she caressed along his jaw, over his cheek, across his forehead. “That she could not see your scars with the same interest I do. I see a man who has fought to survive and emerged form a hell many cannot even fathom. I see a brave man who did not give up on his duties or falter when it came to doing what was right. I see a very handsome, very charming man who is an excellent husband and father.”
She was so close.
Every time Thomas allowed himself to focus, even slightly on the warmth of her skin against his, he could feel a hunger rising within him. He had managed to keep it at bay, but with Jane so close, he could feel all of his yearning threaten to burst through his pores and reveal to her the many things he had thought about doing to her many times in the past.
Right now, he wanted to kiss her.
But he could not. He had said too much, had shown much more of himself than he ever had to anyone else and he should have not. The vulnerability threatened to smother him, so he rose to his feet quickly.
“I am glad, that you are all right. You should rest, as soon as you can.”
Confusion settled upon her lovely features but she nodded.
“I will. Good night, Thomas.”
He nodded and briskly left the drawing room, heading straight to his drawing room. In there, he poured himself a drink and downed the entire glass right after.
He poured another one and leaned against his desk, drinking it much slower than he had done the first, allowing his mind to wander momentarily.
Every day, Jane was proving to be less and less what he had expected her to be and he was certain now that was not a good thing. It was dangerous, for him and for Reuben.
And he was not sure if he would be able to handle himself for much longer.
Eventually, he finished his drink and carried himself to bed, still feeling her fingertips caressing his face.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
“You will be fine. It is not going to be as bad as you imagine. Perhaps a tad boring, but ultimately, it will not pose any sort of threat to you.”
Thomas shifted his gaze from the carriage he had been looking out of, his brows furrowed in confusion as he faced Jane.
“I have no idea what you speak of,” he told her blankly, before he returned to his current fixation – staring out of the widow.
Jane pointed looked down at his feet, noting that he had continued to tap his foot repeatedly to a rhythm only he knew against the floor of the carriage. She couldn’t help but wonder if perhaps she should have tried to reassure him before they had left the house.
It was finally the night of Penelope’s ball and as Thomas had promised, he had gotten ready to accompany Jane for the night. They had said good night to Reuben before they set off and Janehad been charmed by the chivalry and attentiveness Thomas had shown her as he helped her into the carriage, mindful of her dress and cloak.
But as they settled down against the plush seats, she noticed that he seemed very nervous, despite the cold nonchalant expression he wore. Mrs Greene had told her she was worried for the duke, as he had not been to any event in a long time, and it was gradually becoming clear to Jane that he was having a difficult time trying to reconcile the thought of himself attending one.
Yet, despite her attempts to discuss it with him, he refused to admit it. The false bravado was somewhat adorable and it left Jane feeling rather amused.
When they arrived at Penelope and Cecil’s estate, they disembarked and Thomas offered her his elbow, which she accepted with a smile, trailing after him graceful as he led them into the estate, after a group of people also making their entrance.
