Before she had given it much thought, Jane spoke in a voice that sounded unlike hers, cutting Penelope off.
“No. I will never do that. I had not wanted to marry and I have no intention of falling in love. Never.”
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Penelope stared at her in shock, clearly not expecting Jane to sound so... angry.
“I was merely teasing, darling. I apologize if I've offended you,” Penelope said quickly.
Jane shook her head hastily, feeling bad for sounding so cold and upset as she spoke.
“N-No, you did nothing wrong. I just... there is nothing that scares me more. I do not mind the arrangement we have now – Thomas and I, because it allows me some semblance of control. I was always so afraid that marrying would take that away from me. I was scared of losing myself.”
Penelope frowned, shuffling closer to her friend and taking hold of her hand,
“What do you mean? On your wedding day, you said you hated the idea of getting married and I understood what you meant because I had felt the same way too, once. I have no intention of convincing you otherwise, I only wish to know... you sounded so frightened. And I thought it was because of who your groom was. But you have told me that he is a good man. So... why are you still afraid, Jane? What are you afraid of?”
Jane inhaled sharply, trying to dismiss the subject quickly.
“It’s – do not worry. I overreacted needlessly. I am sorry –”
“Do not apologize, Jane. Not again. You have done nothing wrong; I am not upset. I only wish to understand... why? Why do you have that look on your face? What are you hiding?”
Jane could not see what expression she carried, but she could guess what it looked like, could practically taste the fear that had surged within her when Penelope mentioned her parents earlier. It had tightened like a noose around her neck when her friend had teased her about falling in love, and suddenly she was back at home, watching her mother suffer in silence.
“I... I do not wish to end up like my mother. When I was younger, she was so radiant. So kind and thoughtful and bright. She looked at my father as though he had hung the stars in the sky all by himself, but she also treasured me too. But as I grew older, I watched the light in her eyes dim. She stopped speaking for herself, never wanting to state any opinion that did not originate from my father. No matter what he said about me, she would agree with him – not because she thought the same wayhe did, but because she felt obligated to do so. Because he is her husband. He disapproved of my lack of confidence and my love for books and she would agree with him, even though it was she who used to read to me when I was a little girl.
“I feared that is who I would be come – a voiceless doll, whose only purpose was to echo the words of my husband. I was terrified of losing the little control I had to a man who would demand that my very existence serves to fulfil his bidding. And so, I made up a story of wanting to find love, hoping it would discourage some men of the ton, buying me some time in the process. Many of them were already disliked me because I preferred to read than promenade or display pianoforte skills. It left my parents very disappointed when suitors left our home, never to return. And after the affair with Cecil and your brother... it seemed that they were at their wits end. My father arranged a meeting between one of his partners and I at a ball and after I had pretended to be unwell in order not to dance with him, my father grew angry with me. And that was when he informed me that he had signed a marriage contract on my behalf and I was to be wed in a week. Which is how I was married off to the duke of Ravencroft.”
Jane was breathless at the end of her explanation, her chest rising and falling rapidly. Penelope’s face was wrought with immense sadness and soon she had wrapped her arms around Jane, holding her in a tight embrace.
“Oh, my dear friend... I did not know you were burdened by such pain and struggle. Why did you not tell us? I am sure we could have –”
“There is nothing that could have been done for me. I – I do not want or need to be fix or to be told that love is wonderful. I know that it has been good to you – marriage and the comfort of having a husband – but we cannot guarantee the same will be my fate. I... I do not mind the way things are. It was the best outcome I could have hoped for.” Jane replied quietly.
“I understand. But I hope that you would not hide yourself away from the emotion completely. You deserve to be loved, Jane. Properly, by someone who will seek to make you happy and keep you safe, rather than claim your control. Do not hide yourself away or confine yourself to the belief that what happened to your mother will be the fate you will partake in as well. If this marriage, with its strange terms give you any semblance of comfort, then you owe it to yourself to enjoy it to the fullest. At least if only for the moment.”
Penelope’s words were like a balm over her tortured heart and Jane felt herself regain some semblance of calm.
“We barely know each other,” she pointed quietly.
“I know you are smart enough to know that it is quite easy to change that. Speak with him more, find reasons to spend time with him. Offer to bridge the gap between him and his son – you did not mention it but I am sure there is such a thing, seeing as he had to marry in order to help his son overcome whatever is keeping him from speaking. Do whatever you wish. But let yourself live.”
Jane was thankful that she had decided to come and see her friend today. It was clearly a good idea, the benefits of which were evident in the lightness of her heart.
“I will,” she promised Penelope.
The other duchess regarded her with an odd expression, then she leaned in to whisper conspiratorially,
“And if you get curious about the... intimate workings of a marriage, you may write to me and ask for advice. I know that it cannot be easy to resist the allure of the male anatomy.”
Jane stared at her in confusion for a moment, then heat rushed to her face as she realized what her friend meant and she quickly rose to her feet.
“H-How could you think of such a thing? I have no interest in –”
“That is what most say! But there is no shame in wanting... more warmth. If you want it, do not fight it. Men are much easier to subdue than you think. If you are able to master the art of the seductive gaze, you can bring him to his knees.” Penelope supplied casually as though she was speaking of the weather.
“I am certain that I do not –”
