‘I did, but I’m ashamed of how bad I was, how it was you who had to help me. There you were on the days I couldn’t get out of bed, bringing me breakfast when I said I didn’t want to eat, talking to me when I wantedto close the curtains and block out the world. It was too much to expect from a daughter and it’s something I’ve never forgiven myself for.’
Fern put down her mug of tea and swiped at the tear that slid down her cheek.
Loretta put down her mug of tea too and grabbed hold of both of Fern’s hands. ‘You still worry me.’ She hooked Fern’s hair behind her ear on one side and then the other. ‘Bothof your sisters fell apart, they cried their tears, Lord knows I did too. But when did you ever cry? Behind closed doors, I’d hear you. I’d go to knock on the door and my hand would stay raised, I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want you to feel exposed in the way I was. I thought that you had decided to cry away from the rest of us and that was your way of coping. But it was wrong of me. You should’vebeen grieving along with the rest of us, together. We should never have let it turn out the way it did with you being the strong one the whole time, never allowed to show any weakness.’
‘I coped.’ Shutting herself away stopped her inflicting her suffering on anyone else, she didn’t think they needed to see it, she wanted to be relied upon, to help, to mend their splintered family.
‘Don’t yousee, Fern? You do cope, you always have.’ She put a hand to her daughter’s cheek, wiping her tears away with the pad of her thumb as they fell openly for the first time in forever. ‘It’s a strength, but sometimes it’s also a weakness.’
‘I know.’ And she did. She’d been doing it too long and only now, away from her everyday life, had she begun to see it.
Fern let herself be held, wondering whyshe’d resisted it for so long, thinking she didn’t need the extra comfort, that it was she who had to be the pinnacle of strength.
‘At the time I think helping you out was my way of coping, of processing what had happened,’ she admitted, glad Ginny was still in bed sewing, and that Daisy was out. She wasn’t sure she could be so open with anyone else watching, at least not yet.
‘You’re a strongwoman and I’m proud of you, Fern. But promise me from now on you’ll try to let us all in a little bit more.’
‘No man, or woman, is an island, right?’ They both laughed. ‘I’ll try, Mum.’
Loretta sighed. ‘Do you think Daisy’s way of helping and therefore coping was to leap at the chance to take on the shop alongside me?’
Fern had been wondering the same thing recently. Back then she hadn’t questionedit. ‘All I know is she was dead set on the idea and I think a big part of it was that she’d had enough of being the youngest sibling, the one who had got into trouble the most. I think she still thinks we all see her as unreliable, but Ginny and I have talked. We’re doing our best to show her that’s not what we think at all.’
Loretta looked relieved but sad at the same time. ‘So she stayed atthe shop with me just to prove a point?’
Fern pulled a face. ‘It sounds terrible putting it that way. But kind of, yes. Although I also think for a time she was happy with her decision and I think she needed to be with you too.’
‘I hope so, I really do.’ She shook her head. ‘I was only glad she wanted to channel her energies into something that wasn’t going to get her into trouble. I had visionsof that happening when your dad died. I dreaded it. And then all of a sudden she came out with the offer to give up her university place and stay behind in Butterbury. She insisted it was what she wanted for herself, to be a part of the family business, and my relief let me think it was the right decision for her.’
‘Don’t beat yourself up about it, Mum.’ She squeezed her mum’s hand. ‘Like I said,I think she needed it at the time.’ With her sister still upstairs she confided, ‘I always thought it would be Ginny to take over the shop.’
‘Me too.’ And with a smile Loretta told her, ‘She’s always the first to volunteer to help at the shop when Daisy wants or needs some time to do something else, she’s done more blocks for the quilt than anyone else and doesn’t show any signs of slowing. Whenshe put the pink sewing machine up in the loft I thought she’d moved on to the next thing. She was happy following the path to midwifery, she seemed content, I assumed she didn’t have much time outside of that to have a hobby. And then of course she took to travelling.’
‘I’ll bet she’s a good midwife.’
‘She’s got the patience.’
Fern nudged Loretta’s elbow. ‘I think we’ve all turned out relativelyOK.’
‘The three of you are wonderful, beautiful, capable girls.’ Loretta’s frown deepened. ‘But I wish I’d gone the extra mile back then to make sure youallgot what you wanted and needed.’
‘You did all right, Mum. You did your best. That’s all anyone can ever do.’
Fern took the mugs away and poured the dregs into the sink and when she sat back down she knew her attempt at distraction hadn’tworked when her mum said, ‘I’m worried about you and Everett.’
Fern almost insisted she was fine, that her marriage was as strong as it always had been. But she couldn’t do it. ‘I needed to come here to Butterbury, not just for you but for me, for us as a couple.’
Loretta nodded as if she’d known all along. ‘Time apart in the short term can be a tonic, as long as you address what’s wrong andtry to put it right.’
Her eyes had already filled with tears. ‘I feel like I’ve always been strong, always been able to juggle whatever comes my way, but lately …’
‘You’re not superwoman.’
‘I’m beginning to realise.’ In the same way she’d shut herself in her bedroom to cry when her dad died, she’d shut Everett out, and he’d done it with her too. ‘I don’t know when it happened – partly it wasafter Everett’s mother died, but it was happening even before that. Along the way we got busy with the boys, gave our careers our all, and we stopped talking. I threw myself into running the household, Everett put even more hours into his work than I did. It feels like it’s been years since we were those two people who fell in love.’
Loretta put a hand to Fern’s cheek. ‘We’re often our own worstcritics. Talk to Everett when he gets here. Tell him how you feel. I mean how youreallyfeel. I bet you haven’t done that for a long time, have you?’ One look from Fern and she knew she was spot on. ‘I suspect he hasn’t either. I did the same with your dad and it didn’t work. In fact it very nearly broke us and I’d hate to see that happen to you.’
When Daisy bundled through the door callingout to Busker, telling him in a low tone to drop the stick, Fern quickly kissed her mum on the cheek as the stick landed at their feet. ‘Thank you for listening.’
