“Is that what you want?” he said hoarsely.
“I want to mend what is broken… to set right everything I ruined when I married you.”
He looked away from her then, his face set into stony indifference. “Then you must do whatever you wish.”
When he turned and walked away from her, her heart broke into a thousand pieces.
25: Return To Staineybank
Jamie took six steps before he froze, his father’s words ringing in his head.
‘No one knows anything, not for sure, unless the words are spoken. Just talk to her, openly. Tell her how you feel.’
He turned round and paced the six steps back to the grave. She stood beside it, tears pouring down her face, her arms wrapped around herself as if she were trying to hug herself, looking so forlorn that he ached to take her in his arms and hold her tight and kiss away the tears. But he dared not. He had no idea why she was crying, no idea what was wrong between them, no idea, even, what he was going to say. He only knew thatsomethinghad to be said.
“Georgie,” he began, and his heart was thumping so hard surely she must hear it? “I have to say this, because if I remain silent, I have a dreadful feeling I will regret it for the rest of my life. I want you to be happy, and you must do whatever you need to make yourself so, but for myself, I… I do not want you to go anywhere.”
Her eyes widened, and she gave a little gasp. Was that shock? Or pleasure? He had not the least idea. He was so at sea, adrift in an ocean of wild emotions — of hope and terror and a deep ache of loss. He could not well understand his own feelings, still less guess at hers. But she said nothing, so he stumbled on.
“My life was a miserable prospect of endless years of nothing but the duke’s letters and the duke’s diaries and the duke’s memoirs, until one day I will be found dead in my bed and not a soul will mourn me. And then you came along and brought light and hope and a glorious future where Imatteredto someone, and perhaps there might be a purpose to my sorry existence, and it has been wonderful. Itiswonderful, and I cannot regret a single moment of it except the baby, for your sake. I would be content to walk beside you for the rest of my life, on whatever terms you choose. If you will stay… that would make me very happy. But if you want to go… if that would makeyouhappy… well, then I will not stand in your way. That is all.”
And then he turned and walked away from her again, because his voice was not at all steady and he very much feared he was going to cry too. He wanted her… no, helovedher so much, and the thought of losing her, perhaps forever, was too painful to be borne. But bear it he must if—
“Jamie! Wait!”
He stopped, his treacherous heart jumping in excitement. Did she—? Would she—? He dared not turn round, but she ran to catch up with him and placed herself in front of him, her face aglow with… no, he would not name it. Let him not be disappointed again.
“Do you mean it?” she said breathlessly. “You want me to stay? Youwantme?”
Wordlessly, because he could not trust his voice, he nodded.
“I was so afraid that you had abandoned me forever. Oh, Jamie! I don’t want to leave you, but I don’t know how to fix what is broken between us.”
He gathered her into his arms then, and she wept all over again, but this time she wept into his coat and he had not the slightest objection to that.
“We can fix it — together,” he murmured into her bonnet.
“Can we?” She lifted her lovely face, and he could not resist. His lips found hers without any conscious thought and they stood, wrapped in each other’s arms, kissing and kissing and kissing again, until they both ran out of breath. They clung together, half laughing and half crying, not caring who might see them. Somewhere in the churchyard, the rhythmic sound of a spade suggested that the sexton was hard at work, and beyond were the usual rumbles and calls of city life, but Jamie cared for none of it, for Georgie was with him and all was well with his world.
“But why—?” she began, then stopped, pulling away from him a little.
“Why what, my love?”
The words just slipped out, but her face lit up and for a while, they fell to kissing again. Then she sighed. “Why have you been… avoiding me? If you feel that way, I mean. Even last night, when we shared a bed. I thought you hated me.”
“Never that, but you did not want to risk another baby… another heartbreaking loss. You were very clear about it.”
“Was I? I can’t remember what I said then, but people say strange things when they’re grieving. I may have said something of the kind, but that’s what marriage isfor, Jamie. For children and the possibility of them… and the closeness, because otherwise we might as well be brother and sister.”
“I would never insist on my rights as a husband, you know,” he said softly. “But if you want to try again…”
“I do, I do! There are risks, of course, of grief and pain and… and even death, but it’s God’s will, isn’t it?”
“That is in the Bible, is it not?‘In sorrow thou shalt bring forth children.’Yet it may also be God’s will to give you a successful confinement next time, Georgie, and think how happy that would make you. The joy of a child of our own… of being a family… surely that must weigh with you?”
She nodded. “Oh yes!”
“Then we are agreed?”
