I notice he is not wearing a harness himself. ‘Are you coming down with us?’ I ask hopefully.
‘Jesus, no. Definitely not.’
‘So, one of you will stay up here and only one of you will go down the mine with us?’ I need clarity because I can feel my blood pressure getting high.
‘No.’
This causes everyone to start looking at each other in panic. Even the camera crew start mumbling about not getting paid enough.
‘We have a man down there already,’ he says, quickly changing his tune. ‘He’s a good man,’ he adds, as though we are all worrying over nothing. ‘He will secure the wooden beams and clear the rubble so that you can enter the forbidden chamber.’ He crosses himself three times as though he is doing something ungodly. He shouts down the shaft and after it echoes a number of times, somebody eventually answers. It sounds very far down.
Oh, my word. This is not good.
‘Ready?’ he says.
‘Was that our safety briefing?’ I ask, shocked. ‘Who has done the risk assessment on this? Who is designated first aider? Who has the emergency comms device? Is there a GPS tracker on all of our suits? Where is the designated meeting point, both below ground and above ground, should any of us get lost? What is the procedure in the event of a medical emergency?’
Everyone is staring at me in a hopeful manner. Perhaps we can avoid going down on health and safety grounds. However, the instructors look as though they are willing me to shut the fudge up. I am making everyone more nervous. And for the sake of great television and a big financial payout for the potholing experts, we must go down this hole in the ground.
‘Ready?’ he asks again. We all nod glumly. ‘Let’s go.’
* * *
After what can only be described as an appalling descent, involving Mimi breaking not one but two of her shellac nails, Henri almost plunging to his death, Amber screaming all the way down and Giovanni bursting into tears, we all reach the bottom in one piece and set off to find the ancient Mayan relics that none of us give a single shit about.
‘It feels like we have been walking for hours,’ complains Mimi. ‘It’s dark and wet and horrible. And it’s freezing down here. What’s romantic about this?’
‘It feels like we have been listening to your whinge-fest for hours too,’ says Carlton, sounding fed up.
We are deep within the mine and can barely make each other out. We are wearing thick padded gloves as the rock surface is jagged and slimy to touch in places where water is dripping down. Every few minutes, the instructor demands that we each call out our names by way of a regular headcount. Giovanni, recovered from the initial shock, has already played a practical joke on us and didn’t say his name which caused mass fretting. Our nerves are wound tight to snapping point.
‘We stop here to admire early Mayan digging tools,’ says the instructor as we emerge into a poorly lit cavern.
Amber sniffs up tears behind me. She has been quietly crying since we set off. Giovanni is quick to comfort her. In the dim light, he puts a reassuring arm around her shoulders and hugs her in close. ‘I’ve got you.’
It’s very sweet.
‘I wish someone had me,’ moans Mimi, looking at Carlton. He has been stuck to Henri like glue, ever since Henri said he recently served for eight years in the French Territorial Army. At least we all feel a little safer. ‘Oh my God, I’m going to die down here! I’m going to die, aren’t I?’ she suddenly shrieks.
‘We’re almost there. Air very thin,’ says the instructor, sniffing the air loudly. He’s almost invisible to us.
‘My anxiety is through the roof!’ Mimi bellows, clearly at the end of her tether. She is breathing very rapidly. She will hyperventilate herself into a panic attack if she is not careful.
‘Look at me,’ I say firmly. I reach out to hold her by the arms. ‘You have to control your breathing. The air is thin. You need to take deep, calm breaths. They will send the right signals to your brain that you are okay, and everything is fine.’
Mimi looks scared to death. She shakes her head. ‘But it’s not fine. We are miles beneath the ground with tons of heavy rock above us. We are lost because we have been walking for hours and the instructor has no idea where we are going!’
The atmosphere suddenly shifts up a notch to major panic mode.
‘Is that true?’ cries Amber.
We could all do with some reassurance around now, but the instructor is slow to react. It serves as a tipping point. Mimi starts convulsing.
‘I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe. I’m going to die. And it’s all my fault. I wanted to come on this stupid programme to find love. But now I’m going to die instead. Crushed to death in this horrible orange boiler suit. The last thing I’ll ever get to wear,’ she sobs. ‘It’s hideous. I’m so embarrassed.’
‘Look at me, Mimi. Look at me. Keep looking at me.’
She tries to focus on my face, her eyes wild with fright. I make a snap decision not to tell her that the colour of her boiler suit should be the least of her worries because I hear a hissing sound that is definitely not a tyre deflating.
