‘Get ready for fireworks hashtag recoupling hashtag dumped from the island hashtag bombshell,’ Kassy says, her voice petering out.
We all take a moment to let this digest.
‘What? Another one of us is going to get dumped from the island? This is brutal. I bet it’s me,’ cries Binky. ‘Libby’s going to steal my man.’
They all turn slowly to pin me to my seat, staring at me like zombies out of a horror movie. Just then my phone pings. I gingerly open the message hoping for better news, while we all hold our breath.
I get ready to bellow it out just like we’ve been told to do. As soon as I see the first line, the words die on my lips and I exhale noisily instead.
It is from Porscha.
DO NOT READ THIS OUT LOUD.
My eyes flick to the girls and back to my phone.
Meet me in the outside kitchen food cupboard now! Do not tell anyone where you are going.
‘What does it say?’ asks Mimi.
I shrug. ‘Nothing.’
‘It can’t be nothing,’ says Kassy. ‘Come on, girl. What does it say?’
Under the confused gaze of the girls, I rise calmly from the carousel and leave the room in silence.
I can hear them frantically gossiping as I make my way to the outside kitchen and slip through the door marked ‘PANTRY’. The light is on, highlighting the fake snack food and fake tins lining the shelves. The back wall suddenly opens and Porscha drifts in looking immaculate. I pretend to look shocked as though I had no idea about the secret door.
‘Well, well, well. Don’t you scrub up nicely? I wonder where you found that?’ she says, looking and sounding disingenuous. I’m not sure what to say to her. Cam packed me a spectacular orange and pink shift dress to wear and some pretty pink matching sandals. My hair is newly straightened and spritzed to look glossy and swishy. My make-up is professionally applied because Amber is a beautician and loves a challenge. It took her under ten seconds.
‘Pick Giovanni,’ she says before disappearing back through the door.
I emerge from the PANTRY, deflated. I have my instructions. I will be stealing Mimi’s man, and my actions will possibly cause her exit from the show. I’m immediately distracted by a deafening clanging sound. It’s an alarm.
‘Oh, my God! Where’s the fire?’ I yell, leaping into action. I know every fire exit and location of every extinguisher in the near vicinity. I yank the red canister from the outside kitchen wall and run onto the fake grass lawn. ‘Follow me!’ I scream at the contestants as glammed-up men and women emerge from opposite sides of the villa. This is basic school fire drill practice. I’ve done it a thousand times. ‘This way, people!’
They stop briefly to glance over before choosing to completely ignore me. Instead, I see them running in the opposite direction towards the firepit. The male Islanders and female Islanders instinctively run towards each other to pair up as though they’ve been separated by a great war and are reuniting for the first time in years.
There is no fire.
It is merely the firepit klaxon.
I am distracted by some shaking in a nearby bush and the stifling of laughter coming from inside.
Oh, my effing word.
Feeling ridiculous, I plonk the fire extinguisher on the kitchen bench and take five to calm down. Adrenaline is charging through my veins. I need to be better than this. I take my time to wander over to the firepit because I don’t want to risk falling over in my heels. And I’m in no hurry to be the cause of someone’s misery.
Destiny, the presenter, indicates for me to stand back on the spot I was on earlier, leaving Marcel to sit alone on the bench with the others. I stand tall and smooth down my dress. I take the opportunity to smile shyly at the Islanders. They can’t believe the transformation. This time the men are taking notice of me. They are sitting up straight. They are smiling and winking at me. They are nudging one another.
The girls are looking frostily at me before batting their eyes and smiling ferociously at their men, clinging to them like they are about to be kidnapped.
I slide my eyes along to Giovanni. He is the only man who hasn’t looked at me. He is looking adoringly at his forceful blonde companion, Mimi. She is touching his face and now they are snuggling noses like an old married couple and giggling. Every now and then, he glances down at her bountiful cleavage and licks his lips. She crosses her well-oiled, shiny legs suggestively, and I watch, mesmerised, as he instinctively reaches out a hand to run the length of one. They have such sizzling chemistry.
My soul sinks. This is going to look so bad on camera.
‘Islanders,’ Destiny says. ‘Are you ready for your first big test? Libby, it is time to play Switcheroo. You can either keep Marcel or swap him out for one of the other guys. Which man are you going to choose?’
I avoid making eye contact with any of them and look straight to Destiny for help. I’ve not even had so much as a conversation with any of them due to the catastrophic downpour of rain that has been going on since my entrance. Not that any of the men came looking for me.
