“Not like this,” Istarted.
Her brow creased. “What do youmean?”
“I don’t want you to do anything you might regret tomorrow. If we’re ever going to do anything like this”—I motioned between the two of us—“I want it to be because you really want to be close tome.”
“You don’t want to get too close to me, Trent, trust me.” She ran her fingers through her hair with asigh.
“Why’s that?” I leaned against thewall.
“Because I have demons inside me. They’ll eat you alive.” Her confession affirmed everything I already knew abouther.
“Sweetheart, I have a hell in me where your demonshide.”
“Will you stay with me tonight? I really don’t want to be alone right now.” The look in her eyes stopped me cold. There was no way I was going to be able to say no toher.
“Of course.” I pulled my cut off, laying it on top of the dresser. Taking my shirt off next, I handed it to her. “You can sleep in this if you don’t want to sleep in your tank top andshorts.”
She took the white cotton out of my hand then I turned around to let her change and climb into bed. I tossed my boots next to the door and crawled in behind her, keeping my jeans on and staying on top of thecomforter.
Rolling onto her side with her back to me, Sloan grabbed my hand. “Will you holdme?”
I did as she asked then kissed her cheek. “Sleep well, sweetheart. I’ll be here allnight.”
“Good night. Thank youagain.”
I waited to even close my eyes until her breathing got shallow and I knew for sure she was asleep. It took a while, but I finally drifted off into another night’s sleep of tortured dreams from when I was just akid.
Beep.
Beep.
Beep.
Sitting by my mother’s bedside, gripping her frail hand in mine, I sat listening to the machines and monitors. I knew she was dying, knew there was nothing to be done, but at thirteen, I still believed in miracles. There was still that thin line of silver-coated hope gleaming in the bottom of myheart.
It only took a few months for cancer to render her completely helpless, thrown into hospice care, waiting to die. She was in pain, the once vivacious matriarch of the family now a shell, nonresponsive and crumbling before myeyes.
Being the youngest of the family, I was the closest to her. My older brother was already in the Army and shipped off. My older sister was in Europe studying English literature, and my old man was coping with Jack Daniels and a needle sticking out of his arm back at thehouse.
Every day, I rode my ten-speed the eight miles from school to the hospital. I sat by her bedside to do homework and keep her company. I couldn’t imagine how lonely it felt to be bedridden by a disease that could not be fought any longer. In those moments, I knew what it felt like to be hopeless. In those moments, I learned how to close off myheart.
Iawokein a cold sweat in the middle of the night, like damn clockwork. I didn’t have to look at the time to know that it was between three and four in the morning. It happened to me every night. Looking over, I checked to make sure that Sloan was still sleeping peacefully. Her mouth was open and a little bit of drool was dripping from the corner onto herpillow.
After getting comfortable again and pulling Sloan tighter into my arms, I was able to drift off to sleepagain.
“You piece of fucking shit.”My old man bellowed from his La-Z-Boy in the familyroom.
Walking through the front door, I threw my backpack onto the floor. I wanted to ignore him, walk right up into my room, lock the door and never come out, but I couldn’t. I knew better, ignoring him would make it worse in the longrun.
“Hey pop.” I slumped into the couch adjacent tohim.
He grunted. “Beer.” He shook his empty can atme.
I took the dead soldier out of his hand and grabbed him a new one. As I walked back in from the kitchen, he had a bag of powder on the coffee table with a spoon and alighter.
“You’re going to become less of a pain in my ass right the fucknow.”
I was not an idiot, I knew that my father was a junkie. I had no interest in following hisfootsteps.
