Finn tensed, but she’d never promised she wouldn’t ride Chaos again, and he could hardly object to it if Captain West hadn’t. “And what was Captain West’s opinion?”
“He was satisfied with my skills. I have his permission to ride Chaos.”
Every one of Finn’s protective instincts bristled, but he forced a deep breath into his lungs. “I’d like to see you ride him myself, Iris, just so I can be easy about it.”
“You can see me ride him tomorrow morning.” She pulled a wrinkled piece of paper from her pocket and pressed it into his hand.
“What’s this?” He looked at her, then down at the paper.
“It’s…well, go ahead and read it.”
Finn noticed the slight tremor in her voice, and he tore open the note.
He read it, and then he read it again, more slowly, and then a third time, but he still couldn’t make sense of it. Wrexley wasn’t even in Hampshire anymore. Finn had set him on the road to London himself, and unless Wrexley had turned back the moment he was out of sight, there was no way he could have—
Except he could. Hehad. The villain had returned to Hampshire. Jesus, the purse on this race must be staggering for Wrexley to risk returning to Hadley House for it, especially with such little hope of success. He must know Finn would never allow Iris to run the race. Or did he think Iris wouldn’t tell him about it at all?
“I’m running Chaos in the race, Finn.”
Finn froze, certain he must have misunderstood her. “What did you just say?”
She swallowed nervously, but she met his gaze without a trace of hesitation. “I said I’m running Chaos in the race.”
Finn stared at her in silence, then he slowly crumpled Wrexley’s note in his fist. “No, you’re not.”
Her chin lifted. “Yes, I am. Captain West isn’t in favor of the idea, but he’s granted his permission, and Lady Hadley has, as well.”
She’d spoken to Captain West and Lady Hadley before she’d come to him? Finn’s hands clenched into fists, and the calm he’d worked so hard for disintegrated. “I haven’t grantedmypermission, and I don’t intend to, so there’s an end to it.”
His low furious growl would have terrified a grown man into submission, but she only raised her chin another notch. “I didn’t come to you to ask for your permission, Finn. But I didn’t suppose you’d be pleased, either, so I’ve come to explain the reasons for my decision.”
Finn gripped his hair in his fists. “What possible reason could you have that makes the least bit of sense? You know what Wrexley is—what he’s done. Given half a chance, he would have ruined you, Iris. How can you even consider helping him?”
“This has nothing to do with helpinghim. Honora says he’ll have to flee to the Continent to escape his creditors if the race doesn’t go off. She’s afraid she’ll never see him again, and she’s made herself ill with worry over it. She’s my dear friend, and not to blame for her cousin’s misdeeds.”
Finn turned and tossed Wrexley’s note into the fire, then stood for a long time with his back to Iris as he drew breath after breath to calm the explosion of emotions threatening to steal his reason. When he turned to face her again, he was calmer. “I’m sorry for Lady Honora, but if she really is your dear friend, she won’t ask you to risk your safety and reputation for her sake. As for Wrexley, he may find his own way out of the mess he’s created—one that doesn’t require him to endanger my betrothed.”
“I’m not just your betrothed. I’m alsome.” Iris’s voice was quiet. “Don’t you see? This isn’t about Lord Wrexley, or even Honora. Riding Chaos, racing him to help my friend—that means something tome. I can’t explain why, exactly, but it has to do with feeling as if I’m utterly myself, like I did when I was a child and rode with my father. I won’t brush aside something that matters to me because you don’t like it, Finn. Who will I become if I simply give way to you in everything? I can’t do it, and you…you shouldn’t ask me to.”
Finn’s throat worked. He wanted to tell her he heard her, that he understood, and that he’d never ask her to give up something she needed for him, but what if he said so, and then found he couldn’t keep his promise? What if he said it, and it turned out not to be true?
No answer came.
She laid her hand on his chest, her eyes pleading. “You said…I thought this was what you loved about me, Finn.”
It was. Wasn’t it? Jesus, he hardly knew anymore. He only knew it was all coming at him at once—the anger, the fury, the jealousy and the fear—and he didn’t know how to do anything but raise his fists and fight against it.
“I thought so, too.”
Finn froze at the stark misery that clouded her eyes when those words left his lips, and he couldn’t look at her, couldn’t bear to see it.
Her hands fell away from his chest.
She crossed the room to the door, but before she went out, she paused and turned back to look at him. “I love you, Finn…so much, but this is who I am. I can’t be someone else for you.”
She paused, as if waiting for him to say something, but he remained silent.
After a moment the door clicked softly, and when Finn turned, she was gone.
