Charlotte’s heart gave a miserable thump. Ellie didn’t even bother to ask for promises anymore, for she knew Charlotte wouldn’t make her one.
Couldn’t make her one.
“Your carriage awaits, Lady Hadley, as does Lady Chase.”
Charlotte had to fight not to bury her face in her hands as sudden exhaustion overwhelmed her. Lady Chase’s picnic was challenge enough, but an afternoon alone with Julian, with his hard eyes watching her every move… Dear God, she couldn’t do it. Not now, when her chest ached with an inexplicable emptiness. By tonight she’d have gathered the pieces of herself and stitched them together again, and she’d be ready to laugh and dance and flirt like the wickedest of widows, but not today—
“You look as if you’re about to beg off.” Julian’s voice was cold. “Are you ill, my lady, or does London no longer agree with you?”
Charlotte straightened her shoulders.No. She wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of crying off. It was a picnic, for pity’s sake. She only had to make it through the afternoon. She’d go, without her friends, without Devon, and with blasted Julian West as her escort, and she’d do it with dignity, even if it killed her.
“I have no intention of begging off, Captain. I’m ready to go when you are.”
Neither of them seemed to have a word to say to each other once they were alone in the carriage. Charlotte settled back against the squabs, closed her eyes and tried to concentrate on shoring up what little energy she had for the afternoon ahead, but when they were halfway to Lady Chase’s house, Julian broke the silence. “That was a neat trick you served me at Lady Tallant’s rout last night.”
Charlotte opened her eyes to find his gaze narrowed on her face, his expression grim. “What’s the matter, Captain? Didn’t you enjoy your conversation with Lady Euston and Mrs. Barrington? No? Well, think of it as another heroic service to England, then.”
He stiffened as soon as the wordheroicleft her lips, and Charlotte felt a moment of uneasy triumph before she chastised herself for goading him. Whatever challenge she threw down he’d snatch up, and she didn’t have the strength for a duel right now.
His lips curled in a humorless smile. “Tell me, Lady Hadley. How did Devon manage to hide you from me for the rest of the evening?”
She shrugged. “Even a condemned criminal occasionally slips the noose.”
“Not without help, but then criminals are like rats—where there’s one, there’s a dozen. Still, you only needed the help of one criminal last night, and I presume you got it.”
Despite her efforts to avoid another altercation with Julian, she could see he was already on the edge of furious. His body vibrated with anger. “You speak as if you truly believe you have a right to know about my affairs, Captain.”
“I have every right. Your family has given me that right. Now answer me.”
She held his gaze. If she answered him now it was as good as admitting she owed him an explanation, and once she’d given him one it wouldn’t end there. In spite of her exhaustion, her chin rose in the air. “No. I don’t think I will. I haven’t given you any such right. I’ve told you before, Captain. I’m a widow, not a debutante still under my family’s control. I’ll do what I wish.”
“Even if what you wish will be the ruin of you? My God, your heart must be encased in ice to scorn those who try to help you.”
“Do you believe yourself to be among that number?” She dragged in a long, shaky breath, but her heart continued its furious thrashing inside her chest. “Ever the hero, aren’t you? Had you been anyone else I might have believed you truly wanted to help me.” She shook her head. “I can’t understand how Ellie and Cam don’t see it.”
His eyes glittered, dark and dangerous in his pale face. “See what?”
“What a liar you are now.” She spoke quietly, but her words seemed to echo around them. “Maybe I see it because I loved you once. Maybe that’s the difference.”
“Not enough. You didn’t love me enough.” Each word sounded hoarse, raw, as if he’d scraped them one by one from his throat.
The pain in his voice made hot tears press behind her eyes, but she blinked them back. “Oh, I did. I couldn’t have loved you more, but now I think on it you lied to me then, too. Perhaps you haven’t changed so much, after all. Perhaps you were always a liar.”
His face went paler still, but he didn’t say a word.
“I shouldn’t have trusted you then. If I hadn’t, maybe… But it’s too late for regrets. I don’t trust you now, and I won’t ever trust you again. No matter how much you insist you want to help me, I will always know it’s a lie. Hear me, Captain. I will not account to you or anyone else for my actions.”
His voice was soft when it came at last. “I saw you slip into the dark garden with Devon last night, and you never came back the rest of the evening.”
Charlotte only shrugged, but heat scalded her cheeks. “Well, what if I did? What of it?”
His eyes had gone black with some powerful emotion, but his voice was still a whisper as he leaned closer to her. “I don’t know why I’m surprised at it. You have a history of similar behavior, don’t you, Lady Hadley?”
Charlotte froze, her heart crashing in painful thumps against her ribs. When he said a history, surely he didn’t mean…theirhistory? “I—what do you mean?” Her voice sounded small in the sudden tense quiet of the carriage.
“I think you know.” His eyes glittered strangely, and his black gaze never left her face. “At one time I was fortunate enough to be the recipient of your attentions in a dark garden. Ah, well. Perhaps it will work out better for Devon than it did for me. Heisan earl, after all.”
The fight drained out of Charlotte then, quickly, like blood pouring from a wound, and her body went limp against the carriage seat. She reached out to grasp the door, the edge of her seat, her shaking hand groping for purchase, for anything solid to stop the dizzying blur in front of her eyes, the roar inside her ears.
