I nudged my glass away. My stomach was turning too much for me to drink any more of it. Really, there was only one more question I needed Max to answer. Like he said, there was no changing the past.
But this…this I needed to know.
I took a deep breath. “Are you in love with Dominic?”
Max didn’t immediately answer, staring down into his glass. “You know, that’s something I asked myself a lot in the first few years after we left. I think…I think I was trying to rationalise what I’d put you through. How much I’d hurt you both. Like maybe if I was in love with him, I could justify it in some fucked-up way?”
“And?”
“I’m not.”
I studied him, looking for any hints that he was lying to me. There were none. “You’re sure?”
“Completely.” Max nodded firmly. “I’m straight. My feelings for Dominic are strictly platonic. There’s no excuse for my behaviour, other than me being a stubborn, idiotic, jealous, immature wanker.”
My lips twitched. “Are you saying you’re not those things now?”
Max blinked in surprise before barking out a laugh. “Oh fuck no, I’m all of those things and worse. But I like to think I’m better at recognising my mistakes. And communication. I’ve worked on that too.”
I shifted in my seat. “I’m sorry I never answered any of your messages over the years.”
“Didn’t expect you to. Just didn’t want you to think I’d gone away and forgotten about you. Nothing could be further from the truth.”
“At least one of you realised that,” I said darkly.
Max’s lips pinched together.
I frowned at him. “What?”
He folded his arms over his chest. “I said I was done interfering between you two.”
I laughed bitterly. “Well, you can’t make the situation worse, so be my guest.”
“Dominic did miss you,” Max said quickly. “It fucking killed him not getting in contact.”
“Then why didn’t he?”
“Because you ended things. He assumed that meant completely, that you wouldn’t want to hear from him. He knew how much he was hurting you. There was no way he was going to risk doing anything that prolonged that.”
I stared down at the table, dusty and marked with beer rings, willing the heat out of my eyes. “Turns out the silence didn’t help either.”
“I’m sorry, Ryan. For what it’s worth, Dominic doesn’t have feelings for me.” I looked up at that to find my own sorrow mirrored back at me. “He never did. The first few years we were gone, he could barely stand to look at me. I thought maybe it was because he was so pissed off at me, but it wasn’t just that.”
“Then what was it?”
“It’s because I reminded him too much of you,” Max said. “He hated me for what I did to you, what we both did, but he hated that more. That he could never escape your face, but it was never quite right.”
“Enough,” I said roughly. “You’re not the one I want to hear this from.”
“That’s fair. Is there anything else you want me to explain? I’m an open book, Ryan. You can ask me whatever you like, and I’ll answer as honestly as I can.”
I sat back, studying him thoughtfully. “Why do you care about making things right? Is it just to salvage your friendship with Dom?”
His smile held no humour. “Amazingly, no. I can see why you’d think that, but this isn’t about him at all.”
“It isn’t?”
“Nope.” His expression turned pensive as he stared offinto the distance. “Being in active combat…it does something to you. To your brain. The endless hours on watch force you to reconsider everything you thought you knew about yourself. Witnessing the horrors people are subjected to…it makes you realise just how fucking easy you had it growing up.”
