The eggs started sizzling in the pan as she poured the mixture in, but I kept my eyes on her face, on the emotions she'd been trying to fight but was failing against. I knew the feeling. Probably knew a little too well, and even though this woman was virtually a stranger to me, I felt a closeness to her I hadn't felt with anyone else for almost a year.
"I miss her too, you know," I murmured, keeping my voice steady. This wasn't about me, not right now. This was aboutAlyana and coming to terms with her sister's death. "I miss all of them. My mom, my dad, my sister," my voice cracked. "I miss the silly messages in our group chat and the little notes my mom would leave in my suitcase every time I would visit. I miss her nagging for me to find my happiness and to stop working so hard. I miss the smell of her cooking spreading through the house and my sister's loud singing in the shower whenever I would visit. I miss it all," I whispered, feeling the wetness on my cheeks, realizing I'd been crying even though I didn't want to. "And it's okay that you miss her too."
Alyana turned toward me after she flipped the omelet to another side, her eyes filled with unshed tears.
"I know you don't really know me and I don't know you, but when I read her journal, when I realized she had a sister, I knew I had to find you. I knew I had to find this place no matter how weird everything seemed." My feet had a mind of their own, dragging me closer to Alyana. "It's been almost a year since they died and the only memory I keep replaying was the last time I spoke with her, when we argued, when I told her I wouldn't be going on our annual family trip this year. When she called me selfish and that this wasn't how she raised me. When she told me there were things I didn't know, things she needed to tell me, show me. When I yelled at her, telling her she knew nothing about me or my life and that I never wanted to be anything like her." My body was shaking now, sobs wreaking havoc on my nervous system, but I had to let it out. I needed to let it all out, because I couldn't keep on going with this anger toward myself.
Toward the words I allowed myself to tell her. The words that never should've been spoken.
"I told her it was the last time she would see me, Alyana. Just before we entered that car, I told her it would be the last time she would ever see me and I wish every single day that I could go back in the past and redo everything. I wish I had agreed onthat stupid trip we took every single year instead of telling her she was too controlling, too obsessed with our safety." Warm arms wrapped around me for the second time in one day and I let myself fall apart.
I let myself feel everything.
My insides screamed at me, begging me to stop, but this pain was a part of my life now. This pain, these regrets, these memories I would never be able to escape were a part of who I was. Who I would always be.
"I was a terrible daughter." I sobbed in her arms, letting her guide me toward one of the chairs in the dining area, letting me sit down as she pulled another chair and sat right in front of me. "I was a terrible sister."
"Shhh," she crooned, holding my hands between her own. "I'm sure that's not true."
"It is," I argued. "It is true, trust me. I was too cold. Too obsessed with my life, my pleasure to see her pain. I never even asked her why she rarely spoke of her home. I never asked her if she had a sister. I didn't ask," I murmured in the end. "I didn't care. Deep down I couldn't find it in me to care because I always thought she was too controlling. I always thought she was too worried about things that made no sense to me, pushing me to do all these sports, martial arts, and she never shared her reasons. I still don't understand them, but God," I wailed. "Why did I have to fight her on everything so much?"
Alyana kept quiet as I went on and on, crying to a woman that had lost people maybe even more times than I did, and she did it with a calm face and steady hands, comforting me, an actual stranger.
"Kaira," she mumbled, her thumb dragging over the top of my hand. "You mom loved you. If there's one thing I know about my sister, it's that she loved you even before you were born. Even when everything looked so uncertain, scary, she loved you morethan she had ever loved anything. Your father loved you—both of them," she added. "I loved you from the moment I knew you existed. I still do."
I looked at her, seeing the tears on her own cheeks.
"You're not alone, Kaira, and I'm sorry for the less-than-warm welcome this morning, but the moment I knew you were arriving I also got the confirmation I've been dreading, because I knew she never would've allowed you to come here alone. She never would've wanted you to come here at all."
"You knew I was coming?" I frowned. "How?" And then it dawned on me. "Was it Mrs. Macy?"
She chuckled, straightening in her chair. "Maybe, maybe not."
"That isn't an answer."
"That's the only one you'll get for now." I could feel my eyes rolling even as she smacked me on the knee, but that one small gesture reminded me once again of my mother and the tears I had thought had stopped, started again.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled, rubbing against my cheeks, forcing my body to cooperate. "I don't even know why I'm crying anymore. I've been crying on the ferry and I cried when you approached me and I'm crying now… I usually don't cry this much."
"You need to let it all out to be able to start again," she simply said, patting my knee. "And it's the island's effect on you."
"What do you mean?" She stood up and headed toward the kitchen, leaving me behind. "Alyana?" I followed after her, rubbing my eyes and begging the tears to stop from falling. "What do you mean by that?"
I found her placing my omelet on a plate. "Your mother truly never told you about this place?"
"No, never. I only found out after reading her journal from 1996." Which I wasn't sure was the best idea. "That's when I alsofound out that Benjamin wasn't my father, which you obviously already knew. All I know is that she's mentioned someone called Atos." Her head swiveled toward me, her eyes holding a mixture of grief and fear.
"You shouldn't have read that," Alyana said. "I wish you never had to read it. I wish you never had to come here, Kaira. I stay by what I said—you never should've stepped foot on this island. Daniela left for a reason?—"
"But what is this fucking reason!?" I bellowed, my nerves frayed by all the tiptoeing around the topic. "I understand that there was a reason, but I wish for once, just once, that people would tell me straight what those reasons were. What was the reason for Mom's constant checkups and the need for me to be a modern-day Spartan? What was the reason for her leaving? Why did she leave my biological father behind? Was he abusive?"
"No."
"Did he not love her?"
"He loved her more than life itself."
"Then what was the fucking reason?" My chest rose and fell, my lungs pulling in more and more oxygen as my nerves skyrocketed, but I just wanted answers. "I came here because I thought there would be answers—straight answers. I don't understand what is going on, Alyana. I don't even understand how I am alive."
