My therapist didn't need to be here to tell me I was still avoiding reality, because ever since I boarded the plane for Portland, I stopped thinking about that night almost a year ago. I stopped thinking about my loneliness, and I stopped thinking about the hollowness swallowing me from the inside out. But one step at a time.
Breathe in and breathe out.
My teeth clamped down on my lower lip and I forced myself to look up as the first rays of sunshine broke through the clouds above, clearing the fog we've been traveling through. Gone was the impending storm in the distance and as I rubbed my eyes, I thought I was seeing things again. I must have been, because in the middle of the ocean, not too far from us, the shores of an island stood tall.
The cliffs were dark, black as night, and the closer we came the more I could see the beach spanning just underneath the cliffs, broken in places where the sea had decided to enter the island through the caves embedded into it. Black sand covered the entire area we passed.
The same type of black sand I kept seeing in my dreams.
The same fucking cliffs I kept falling off of.
"Holy shit," I whispered as I sat up, uncaring about the wind. Uncaring about the fact that if the ferry hit a higher wave, I might fall overboard.
My fingers wrapped around the fence placed around the deck of the ferry, gripping with a force I didn't know I had, ignoring the cold biting into my skin.
The sun suddenly disappeared, leaving us with the gray clouds covering the skies, turning almost black not too far from the island. My heart hammered in my chest, slamming against my ribs with a punishing force as the boat slowed down and as Jacob started leading it toward the wooden pier attached to the island, where the cliffs went lower, as if they created a gate, an entrance to the island.
I was mesmerized by the mountaintops peeking through from the other side of the island and the coniferous trees lined on top of the cliffs, covered in frost. The cawing of crows reached me as we started approaching the wooden pier, and the closer we got the more my heart hammered.
Could this be it? My mom's island. The one that didn't exist on any of the maps. The one that haunted her so badly she buried it in ink.
The waves slammed against the ferry, forcing me to grip the railing harder as I almost lost my footing, but I didn't dare sit down. I didn't dare look away from the black sand and the sea forcing its way into the visible caves from this side. The part of me that had somehow died with my parents had awakened again, and instead of feeling scared, I felt alive.
I felt awake.
It was like… Like coming home.
My mom often spoke of places that might feel like home even though we had never set foot onto their soil and this island. Just looking at it, it felt like home. I had no idea if it was because myancestors used to live here or because it made me feel closer to my mom and even my dad.
I was meant to be here, I could feel that deep in my heart. Deep in my soul, especially as all the anxiety I felt before had completely disappeared, leaving me filled with awe. Awe at the sight in front of me.
"It's beautiful, isn't it?" Jacob's voice came from behind me, and unlike the last time, I didn't jump. I slowly turned around, feeling myself smiling. That's when I also felt them, the tears rolling down my cheeks.
My trembling hand lifted, touching my cold cheek and the wetness that had appeared there. "I'm sorry," I croaked. "I don't know why I'm crying." But my soul knew maybe even before my mind could catch up.
This is what I was looking for, a thought came, followed by the calmness I shouldn't be feeling after a sleepless night and so many secrets surrounding me.
"It's okay," Jacob said, instead of mocking me. "Many feel the same way when they come back." This time I didn't question his weird choice of words. Instead I had accepted them, because it did feel like I was coming back. Like my soul knew this was everything I ever wanted.
All the worries, all the fears, all my grief, it ceased to exist as Jacob maneuvered the ferry toward the docks, exiting before me to tie the ropes. Even the cold that had bothered me while we sailed had stopped biting through my skin.
My legs shook as I walked toward the edge of the ferry, where the makeshift stairs were added by Jacob, letting him take my suitcase with no fuss this time. I was worried I would lose it into the water if I tried getting it down. I simply didn't trust myself, not right now.
The mist hovered over the ground, touching the tops of my boots as I landed on the dock, taking the suitcase from Jacob."Thank you so much," I said quietly, not fully trusting my voice right now. I felt unsteady on my feet, but I didn't mind. "This means more than you can imagine."
"No need to thank me," Jacob answered, smiling once again. "Just be careful up there," he added, looking up toward the stairs leading away from the dock, toward what I could only describe as an entrance. "And I hope you find everything you're looking for." He clasped my hand, holding for just a second too long. "Welcome back, Kore. They'll be expecting you."
Kore? I turned toward him as he passed by me, entering the ferry once more, but he was already on the top, pulling up the stairs attached to the boat. This was the third time someone had called me Kore.
First in my dream, then the crow, and now him. Was I imagining them calling me Kore?
Dragging my small suitcase with me, I climbed the cracked marble stairs and stopped on top of the cliff, looking down at the black sand, when the whisper of the wind slammed into me, making me stumble forward and onto the gravelly path leading away from the docks.
My vision darkened as the scene in front of my eyes transformed from the sight of the gravelly road into the field of violets and daisies.
My eyes scanned over the meadow, my hands picked the flowers, but it wasn't me. This wasn't me sitting there on my knees, feeling happier than ever that the first signs of spring were finally visible on the surface.
"I'll take good care of you, my darlings," I said, but it wasn't my voice. It was, but it also wasn't.
