No, it wouldn’t, because I would be dead, suddenly ran through my head. Jesus.
I needed to book an appointment with my therapist again. This was exactly what I feared would happen.
“The reason why I’m telling you about this is not to make you feel bad. I’m sure you had a fair share of sleepless nights and whatnot. But the point of the story is—try to steer clear from those scenarios and what-ifs. There’s a whole life in front of you, Noah, and it would be such a shame if it gets spent thinking about the things that could’ve been.”
I thought he was going to argue with me again. I thought he would try to tell me that it was the only way for him to cope, but instead, the brightest smile appeared on his face, assuring me that maybe, just maybe, we would be fine.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” I asked, unsure where he was going to take this.
“I’m just memorizing your face.”
A snap, like a branch breaking from a strong wind, something broke inside of me and the tears I fought so long pushed to the surface, one by one rolling down.
“Hey, hey, hey,” Noah whispered, wiping them away. “What’s wrong?”
“I-I can’t do this,” I sobbed. “I can’t do this to you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“God,” I moaned and dropped my forehead to his chest. “I’m gonna break you and you’re gonna end up depressed and sad, a-and—”
“Sophie, hey.” He lifted my head and pressed his thumbs against my cheeks, my tears hitting him. “I won’t end up depressed and sad.”
“Yes, you will. This is why I didn’t want you to know. You’re not going to your practices, you’re not thinking about your future. Basically, you put a stop to your own life because my own is ending. And I keep talking about death as if it’s as simple as having cereal for breakfast, when I know it’s not. And I can’t push you away, because I love you too much and I want you with me, but I also don’t want you to go through life with a scar on your heart because of me.”
“Sophie—”
“And then you look at me like that, and you say those things, and I don’t know how I’m supposed to be okay with leaving you. And I don’t know what to do or what to say anymore, when all my family’s been doing is crying and hiding it from me. I don’t know what to do when I can see raw pain shining from every pore of your body, even when you’re smiling at me. I just…” I took a deep breath and dropped my head to my hands, my voice muffled when I spoke again. “I don’t want you guys to suffer because of me.”
A car alarm sounded somewhere on the street and I focused on that instead of his hands that were now kneading the tight muscles on my back.
“Soph,” Noah started talking, but I tuned him out, focusing on the sounds coming from outside.
“Sophie, look at me. Please?”
There they were, voices, and the alarm stopped.
“Baby.” He hugged me from above, forcing me to push my legs to the side and place my head in his lap. I crumpled down, breaking all the walls I made, one by one. “We’re here because we love you. And we cry because we love you, because we’re afraid of losing you. I know you’re afraid of losing us as well, but no matter what, all of us would rather be here than somewhere else.”
“I would rather you all gone, you know? I love you guys, but I’m just so scared. So fucking scared. And it isn’t dying I am scared of. It isn’t even the pain I am probably going to feel. This fear has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with all of you that are staying behind. That’s what terrifies me.”
“We’re going to be fine.” His chest vibrated against my head. “We just need to be sad first.”
I knew. And I knew it was always easier for the ones that were dying. Somehow it was. I always felt that the ones that were left behind were the ones that should be mourned. Every one of us carried pieces of other people inside our chest. Our love for them could make us and also break us, but it was undeniable that it often made us who we were.
And because of that, when a person leaves this world, that piece we carried for so long would become like a thorn in our side, reminding us of what we’ve lost.
“Wipe those tears, baby, and don’t mourn us. Yeah, we will be fucked up. We will be sad and depressed at first, and it might be dark for a while there without you, but we’re going to be okay. I don’t want you to worry about us. And as you said, we’re going to make some memories now, starting from today.”
“Today?” I wiped beneath my eyes, pulling myself up, and looked at him. “What are we doing today?”
“We’re getting started on your bucket list. So get your ass up, go and take a shower, and I’ll wait for you downstairs in thirty minutes.”
My bucket list? I almost forgot about that damn thing.
“Noah—”
“No, we’re going out, and that’s an order. Don’t make me drag you out of the house. You know that I can carry you.”
