“You like this, don’t you?”
“That, right there.” I closed my eyes while he massaged. “But for the record,” I opened my eyes and looked at him, “I was not the stubborn one, Mr. Manwhore.”
“Who? Me? I’m not a manwhore.”
“That’s not what half of our school thinks.”
“What they think and what really is the truth are two separate worlds, Sophie. Yeah, I never had a girlfriend because I didn’t think that it would be fair for them to be with someone whose heart already belonged to another girl.”
I shut up after that.
I knew I should’ve talked to him about how I really felt but telling him everything that sat on my chest never felt right. Even now, even after he told me how he felt, even after everything that has happened in the last month, I still had a hard time expressing all these feelings swirling through me.
I loved him. I loved him since we were kids, but telling him all of it now seemed useless. I had a feeling that telling him how much he meant to me would just cement his decision to stay glued to my side, when that was the opposite of what I wanted for him.
“Noah,” I started, knowing that we had to talk about this. “When are the scouts coming?”
Before, he used to talk about hockey more than about anything else, but these days, hockey seemed to be the furthest thing from his mind. He shrugged and looked down at my legs, spreading his fingers over my muscles, avoiding my eyes.
“Babe.” I moved myself closer, and he had to stop massaging for a minute. Placing my hands on his cheeks, I lifted his head, forcing him to look at me. “When was the last time you went for a practice?”
It’s been days. Maybe even a month since he went to the rink, and this was exactly what I didn’t want to happen.
“I don’t know,” he murmured.
“You can’t keep doing this, Noah. You can’t stop living.”
“But what is the point of living and doing all these things when you won’t be there with me? What is the point of fighting for the life I once wanted to have, when the person I love the most in this world is going to be taken away from me?”
“Noah, just because I won’t get the chance to do all these things, it doesn’t mean that you can’t. And I want you to do them. I want you to live life like we once talked about. I want you to fulfill your dreams.”
“But what about your dreams?” He placed his hands over mine, pressing them against his cheeks. “I know we keep talking and talking about these things, but I just can’t comprehend it. I can’t accept it, Soph. And I’m trying to be positive—for you. I’m trying not to let these things overcome me, but it’s fucking hard.”
“I know it’s hard.” I dropped my hands to his shoulders and climbed on his lap. “Trust me, I know. But let me tell you one thing, Noah.”
“What?”
“When the day comes, I will still stay with you. I will always be here,” I murmured and pressed my hand against his heart. “I will be happy knowing that at least one of us gets to do all these beautiful and magnificent things. I will be thrilled to know that my best friend, my favorite person, the love of my life, will get to live and will get to enjoy life.”
“But that’s not how I’m feeling. How can you be so positive about everything? I just…” His chest expanded with the deep breath he took before he buried his face in my neck. “I just don’t know what to do.”
“I can’t tell you what to do.” I rubbed his back. “But I can tell you what I would love to see you doing.”
“Then tell me.”
“I want you to pretend none of this is happening, Noah.”
“But—”
“Wait,” I warned him before he could argue with me. “I know it might not be healthy, and it might not be the best thing to do, but I still wanna feel like me, you know? I don’t want this sickness to define me, because I am so much more than that. And I don’t want it to define your life. It’s a terrible thing, it’s a tragedy, I know, and trust me, I am not okay with it, but I made peace with the fact that I’m dying. I am loved. I lived an amazing life. I fell in love. I did all these things I loved. I was lucky, Noah. Lucky to have this family, to have you, to have my other friends and to have skating. Do you know how many people go through their life trying to find that one thing they’re passionate about, and they never find it? Thousands, Noah. Yet I managed to find mine when I was a small child.”
“But that doesn’t make this all better.”
“No, it doesn’t. Nothing would make this situation better, but I had a wonderful life, babe. Wonderful, happy, and fulfilled life. I lived, I loved, and I was cherished. And I want you to carry that vision of me when you continue without me. I want you to take this version of me that you’re seeing right now and take it with you through the rest of your life. That’s what I want you to do. I want us to have an amazing time together, to graduate, to laugh, and to love each other until the end of my days. And once I’m gone—”
“Can you please stop talking about it?” he cried out.
“No, I can’t until you listen to me. Once I’m gone, I want you to go out there and be happy. Live, love, smile, and cry, Noah. Life is too short for us to be stuck in the past. One minute we are here, and in the next one we’re gone. Forgive and forget, you know? I wish for you to be loved again. I wish for you to have kids, to have a family. I want that for you, I truly do.”
