“I do. I can’t tell you how many times I wanted to wake up from this terrible nightmare I was going through, but every morning was still the same. That bottle of pills was still on my nightstand, and the headache was still tearing through my brain. Dreams are for people that have a future, Noah. They’re not for me. Not anymore.”
“Sophie.” I turned around and placed her legs over my own, pulling her onto my lap. “That’s not true.”
“But it is.” A sad smile played on her lips. “I have months to live, if I’m lucky.”
“No, don’t say that.” I could feel my eyes tearing up, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. “Please, don’t say that.”
“I’m sorry, Noah. You have no idea how sorry I am that you’re here with me, going through all of this. But we have to face reality. We have to start preparing.”
“Stop it.”
“Noah.” She placed her palms on my cheeks, wiping the stray tear cascading down my cheek. “I need you to be ready, okay? I don’t wanna talk about this any more than you wanna listen about it, but I have to. On my last checkup—”
“Please don’t.” I hugged her. “Don’t say it.”
“You need to know. You deserve to know.”
“I know, and I want to, but I also don’t want to count the days, okay?”
“You won’t be counting the days, but I need you to get ready.” She took a deep breath while my entire body shook, unable to contain the emotions racing through me. “Four months, Noah.”
“No.”
“I have four to five months. If I’m lucky.”
“No, nope.” I started shaking my head. “I refuse to believe that.”
“It might be more, but this is their prognosis.”
“No, absolutely not.”
“Noah!”
“I don’t wanna believe in that, Sophie!” I pulled back from her and stood up, then walked toward the edge of the pond, and looked up at the dark sky. “I can’t believe in that.”
“Babe,” she said as she approached.
I turned around and roared. “And how can you be so calm about it?” I couldn’t breathe. God, I couldn’t fucking breathe. “How can you be so calm, telling me that your life has an exact expiration date? Huh? Because I can’t be calm about this. I can’t accept that in a matter of months, I will never be able to see you smile. I will never again hear your voice. I will never be able to hold you close. How can you be so fucking calm when life decided to tear my heart out? When it decided to take you away from us?”
“I’m not calm!” she thundered back. “I am not calm, but I also know that there’s nothing I can do.”
“You could fight!”
“For what, Noah? For months in a hospital bed? For the rest of my life to be spent on IV drips and endless surgeries, and we all know that none of them would do me any good.”
I laced my fingers on the back of my head and closed my eyes, trying to think of anything, something. Just fucking something. I needed a miracle, and miracles weren’t exactly getting handed over on a silver plate.
“I can’t lose you, darling,” I murmured, letting the tears flow freely. “I can’t fucking lose you, and I know I will.”
“Noah—”
“I wanted us to be together forever, you know?” I opened my eyes and looked at her. “I wanted to put a ring on your finger one day. I wanted to see you with our kids, running around the garden. I wanted you to accomplish all your dreams while I held your hand through it all. Good and bad, I wanted it all with you. Only you.”
“I wanted it as well. Don’t you think that I did?”
“I know you did, but I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what to feel anymore. For the first time in my life, I’m feeling lost, and no matter what I do, no matter what I say, the outcome will always be the same.”
“But you said it yourself.” She took my hands into her own. “We can still live in the moment, and I want to spend these last few months I have left with you. I don’t want to fight with you over things that can’t be changed. I don’t want to leave this world, knowing that I didn’t do everything in my power to have an amazing time. I made a bucket list, just like I promised.”
