I wanted him to have a happy life, not one filled with sorrow and pain, and visits to the doctor.
I wanted him to have an amazing senior year, to get that scholarship he wanted, and to get the fuck away from this town.
I turned the water on, pulling the tap to the hottest setting, willing myself to wake up enough to be able to compete today. It wasn’t enough that my heart shattered into a million pieces last night. My head was an absolute mess, nausea swirling in the pit of my stomach, but I couldn’t back out now.
I should have never gone to the party last night.
I should have gone straight home and to sleep, because then I wouldn’t be in this position.
But I also couldn’t regret what happened last night, because Noah was always the person I imagined losing my virginity to. He was the only person I ever loved, and it was only right that he got this last piece of me.
He would never know how much I loved him. He would never know how much I needed him, but it was okay… in a way. Not everyone could get their happily ever after. Maybe Noah and I were never meant to be together in the end.
Maybe life had something else planned for him, and I was fine with that as long as he was happy.
I stepped inside the shower, letting the water wash away last night. It washed my tears, my fears, my longing, but it couldn’t wash away the love that lived inside of me. I wished it could. I wanted to get rid of this heavy thing sitting on my chest, but I knew that nothing could ever erase the years we had together.
As much as I loved it, I also hated it.
I hated myself for everything, especially now.
I knew that he wasn’t going to be there today, standing in the bleachers, cheering me on. I knew he would do everything he could to avoid me like I avoided him.
If only I could wrap my arms around him one last time, I would be a happy person.
If only I could tell him things without uttering those words, I could live the rest of my life content.
I slid down the wall, hugging my knees to my chest as water cascaded over me, hiding the tears streaming down my cheeks.
We were both too late. We were too young for the things life threw at us. I could curse, I could cry, but none of it could change what was happening right now.
I fucked up.
But it was better this way. It would always be better this way.
I pressed my back against the wall, inhaling through my nose and exhaling through my mouth. I was going to be fine—with or without him. He was going to have an amazing life, and one day, I could tell others how I knew this magnificent man.
I could tell them that once upon a time, he meant everything to me. I could tell them stories of our childhood, and all those mischiefs we did. I could tell them about the nights and plans we made that we never got to do together, but I hoped he would do them by himself.
I could tell them about a love birthed from the friendship between two people who were two sides of the same coin.
I could also tell them that even though my heart hurt, my soul was happy because I had known him. I had him once, and that was more than some people had.
A lot of us went through life never experiencing love or heartbreak, and I was one of the lucky ones who got to have both.
I was so fucking lucky, because I had him, even for a while.
So I pulled myself up, holding on to the wall, careful not to slip, and got on with my day.
I might not have Noah anymore, but I still had things I wanted to do. Things I needed to do, and wallowing here in self-pity was not going to get any of those done.
I lathered my hair and washed it out, immediately feeling better.
As soon as I got dressed up, I collected my gear and went downstairs, where the smell of freshly brewed coffee and pancakes lured me into the kitchen. I found my dad sitting at the table and my mom at the stove.
“Daddy!” I ran toward him, dropping my bag to the floor. I hadn’t seen him for a couple of days, both because he avoided being home and because he had to travel to New York. But he was here now.
“I missed you so much, my girl,” he whispered as he wrapped his hands around me, holding me close.
