Because I wasn’t all alone in this.
But it didn’t matter anymore. None of it mattered.
I sat there for what felt like hours—unmoving, almost hearing the cracks spreading over my soul as minutes passed. My brain told me to move, to get out of the car.
To run away from his scent, from everything that reminded me of him, but my heart cried out every single time I tried moving.
My heart fought me, pushing, telling me to go after him. To fix this. To tell him the truth.
It wanted me to run out there, because the only place that ever truly felt like home was when he was with me.
Even when the raindrops started dropping onto the windshield, going from one to two, to three and more, I couldn’t move. It wasn’t until the knock from my right side made me turn around, seeing a familiar face standing there.
Pity was written all over her face just like the sadness was written all over mine.
Bianca was the only one that understood how much I loved him, but she couldn’t understand why I kept pushing him away. She couldn’t understand because for her, he was it for me.
I couldn’t tell her.
It was only when her face turned into a grimace I knew all too well that I realized I’d been crying. I lifted my left hand, touching the cold skin on my cheek, feeling the wetness there.
She opened the door, letting the ice-cold air in, and pressed against me, hugging me, whispering that it was going to be okay.
“I lost him,” I sobbed. “Oh my God,” I cried out, shaking while she held me. “I lost him for good.”
“Oh, Sophie.”
“And it’s my fault this time. Only mine.”
“No, no, no. Don’t say that. He fucked up as well.”
I nodded against her shoulder. “He did, but he also tried to fix it. He almost told me—” I cut myself off, unable to voice it out loud.
He almost told me everything I ever wanted to hear from him, and I didn’t let him.
“What, Soph?” She pulled back, holding my hands.
“He almost told me he loved me, B. A-and I… I didn’t let him. I can’t let him in again.”
“Jesus.”
“And now… He told me he’s done, B. He just walked away.”
“Well, what did you expect? You keep pushing him away. There’s only so much he’s willing to take, I’m sure of it. But, honey, I see the way he looks at you. I see the way you look at him. Why won’t you let him in?”
Why? Because Noah deserved to have the best year of his life. He deserved to go to college, to play hockey as he always wanted to. He deserved someone who didn’t have all these things happening in their life.
Not me.
Not anymore.
8
NOAH
The viewalone should’ve made me feel better, but it did nothing to calm down my racing heart and my racing thoughts. Alkey Lake looked beautiful this time of the year—frozen, with the snow-covered forest around and the gray skies reflecting on top of it.
It was one of my favorite places to be, yet today, even being here, did nothing for me.
