Goddamn him for the millionth time.
I always had a hard time telling him no, and it didn’t help that he looked at me as if I hung the stars in the sky.
And friends don’t look at each other this way. That annoying voice of hope inside my head reappeared again. That voice was the reason why I held on to hope for so long. I knew I had to ignore it.
I shook my head, attempting to clear it of all thoughts and passed next to him, going down the stairs. I could feel his eyes on me. I could hear his boots as he walked behind me all the way to his Camaro. Before I could open the door for myself, he stepped in front of me, taking a hold of the handle and opening it for me.
I looked up, our eyes clashing, the fire burning in his—the regrets, the need and sorrow, almost knocking me on my butt. There were moments over the years where I suspected that he felt the same way, but as soon as those hidden looks and small touches would happen, they would disappear as fast as they appeared, replaced by the look of indifference.
But this time, this right now… It felt different. He felt different.
He was like a magnetic field, pulling me in, calling me, and I wanted to answer. I wanted nothing more than to get lost in those cerulean eyes.
His chest expanded with every breath he took, making him seem larger than life. I always felt tiny standing next to him, but I also always felt safe.
Right now, I felt like Alice, falling down through the rabbit hole, descending into madness.
He leaned closer, his breath washing over my trembling lips. “Sophie.” A murmur, a plea. One simple word holding so many different meanings.
I wanted to soak it in, to soak his heat and the need flashing in his eyes. I could almost see myself reflected in them.
He lifted his other hand and wrapped it around my neck, kneading the muscles on the back of it, pulling the strands of hair, and eliciting a whimper from me. I have never been touched like this by him.
I have never felt like this—as if my chest was going to burst open from everything I always wanted to tell him, but didn’t have enough courage. All those words I kept close to my heart threatened to spill over my lips when he came even closer, closing his eyes.
“I’ve missed you so much, Sophie.” My name on his lips sounded like a prayer, like the prettiest word he ever uttered.
I stood there as still as a statue, afraid that even the smallest move would destroy the magic happening around us.
“I can’t breathe without you, Angel. You’re in everything I do. In every single thought, every single song. I’ve missed you more than the sun misses the moon.”
I shuddered, closing my eyes, as the first tear betrayed me and slipped down my cheek.
“I will spend a lifetime apologizing for what I said, but please… I’m begging you, darling. Give me another chance. Let me in, Soph. Please, let me in.”
I couldn’t. I couldn’t let him in, because letting him in would mean destroying him in the process. Letting him in would mean sentencing him to suffer with me, and I couldn’t do that.
God, I wanted to. I wanted to so fucking much. I sobbed, fighting with my own traitorous body that wanted to do nothing more than to wrap its hands around his neck, to press these shaking lips that lied to him over all those years.
I wanted to see the world with him, to laugh and cry, to see us grow old together, but none of those things would ever happen. None.
“I can’t,” I cried out and took a step backward, hating, fucking hating the pain reflecting back at me. “I can’t, Noah. I’m sorry.”
“I really fucked up, didn’t I?” he choked out, emotions washing over his face just like they did over mine. “I’ve lost you.”
“Noah,” I whimpered. “I can’t talk about this right now. I can’t.”
“Then when are we going to talk about it?” he roared. “I know I fucked up. I know, okay? But all I’m asking for is the chance to make things right. Because without you, Soph, nothing feels right.”
I hugged my bag to my body, feeling the cold seeping from the inside out. The cold that had nothing to do with the weather or the freezing March air. This kind of cold was going to keep all those I love away from me, and there was nothing I could do about it.
“I’m sorry,” I cried. “But I can’t do this with you.”
“You can’t do this with me?” he asked, dragging a hand through his dark hair. “But you could do it with somebody else?”
“Noah—”
“No, it’s fine. I get it. I messed shit up between us, and I’ll spend my life trying to fix it if that’s what it takes. But you don’t get to decide that you don’t want me anymore, Soph. You don’t get to decide that the years we had together meant nothing, when we both know that what you’re feeling isn’t nothing.”
