Better to know than not.
He nodded as if I’d made the right choice.
“It’s a close thing as to whether or not I’ll kill you tonight.”
I gripped the shot glass tighter. A bit of the Furtig spilled onto my knuckles.
“I’m not convinced you’re really mine. Are you mine, Mari?”
“Yes.”
He ignored my answer. “You see, I expect a little struggle. All my past nines struggled when they became mine. They fought me. They tried to keep their independence. Even Justice. He still fights me. But you . . .” He narrowed his eyes. “You surrendered. It was too easy. I don’t like things to be too easy. They taste like a lie. All the nines, even the worst of them, fought to retain their . . . pleasant memories. Their good. But you didn’t fight at all. Why?”
I saw my mistake. I’d hidden too much of myself. I should’ve left more for Jagger to devour. I should’ve left a knot of love for him to ravage. I should’ve fought for it and then cried as he ripped it free. It was wrong to metaphorically open the gates and let him stroll uncontested into the castle. He suspected a lie, and he wasn’t wrong.
I answered quickly, with the best truth I had. “Because I want to live.”
That was something Jagger understood. Everything on the earth, even worms, even mindless viruses, fought to survive.
What he didn’t understand, though, was that I didn’t want to live for myself; I wanted to live to help protect the people I loved.
He stared at me, considering my expressionless face. The windowless room was quiet. The noise of my heart sloshed around in my ears.
“You won’t for much longer,” he said, certainty in his rockslide voice. “If you survive, there will come a time when you’ll wish I’d killed you. Do you know why?”
I shook my head.
He tapped a long gray fingernail against the glass bottle of Furtig. It made a hollow, lifeless noise.
“Because I’ve made you my creature,” he said. “You will come to hate living in a world where a creature like you is allowed to exist. You’ve been kicked out of paradise, and now, all you have is Hell Gate. When you’ve been cut off from good, you’ll come to love evil. When you can’t have light, you’ll desire darkness. Hate will be your lover. Evil your North Star. Then one day, years from now, you’ll see a bit of light shining somewhere in the dark and you’ll hate it, because it will show you what you’ve become. My creature. You’ll realize I stopped giving commands years ago, and all the hateful things you’ve done were done by your own will. You’ll be a testimony to the corruption of good. It started when you were a child. It progressed when you killed a man. And it will finish when . . . well, we don’t know. But it will finish. Someday, you’ll bear witness to what you’ve become. And then you’ll wish I’d killed you. You’ll wish you’d died tonight. That is your future. That’s what happens in a world where creatures like you and me are allowed to exist. And when you can’t destroy yourself, Mari, you’ll decide to destroy the world.”
My lips were bloodless, and I didn’t dare move or even breathe too deeply. Was this what he’d seen over the centuries? Was this the future laid out before all mines?
“Hear my will, Mari. You will do as I command. For tonight—and if you survive, for every night after, until you die—you will never purposely harm yourself. You will never put your life in danger except in service to me. You will never risk your life for another except me. You will guard me, shield me, and protect me against all harm. You are my first line of defense against conjurers, illusion, and creatures with ill intent. If I die, you die. If I hurt, you hurt. You are my shield. You are my will. You are mine. Yes?”
My throat was tight, as if a hand were clamped around it. “Yes.”
Jagger considered me with his flat gaze. Was he questioning his power? But why? It didn’t make sense. I wanted to protect him like I wanted to protect my own hand. I was a mine—that was how it worked.
“Say it. I want to hear it.”
“Your will is mine.”
He smiled. It was the smile he gave when he tore off someone’s arm. “Let’s toast.” He poured a new glass of Furtig and held it in the air. “To Mari and all the wicked things she’ll do. To the wicked creature she’ll become . . . all because she wants to live. Drink it.”
Jagger watched as I swallowed the Furtig.
The spirits screamed as they ripped their way down my throat. The glass shattered in my hand. The world exploded.
4
I’m not going to talk about the Furtig. Not ever.
Am I hiding things from you? Yes.
Am I hiding things from everyone? Of course.
Am I trustworthy? No.
