I love you.
I trembled beneath the weight of it.
It was almost impossible to believe that anyone or anything could love me when I’d become a horror myself.
Another tear slipped free.
The horror, sensing it, raged against the walls of my heart.
I knew without a doubt, if it breached the walls and grabbed my light, I’d be extinguished, and I would be trapped in darkness forever.
I felt Jagger lunge across the darkness. “Give it to me!”
I wasn’t strong enough to hold out. I wasn’t strong enough to hold free against both the horror and Jagger’s hold.
I had too much darkness within myself. I couldn’t fight them and win. I knew this.
Darkness can’t fight darkness and hope to win.
So I did the only thing I could.
I did the only thing left to me.
I stopped struggling.
I stopped fighting.
I gave up.
I flung open the walls of my heart. I unlocked the door.
I dove toward the tiny, flickering, guttering light.
104
As soon as the doors were opened, the horror rushed inside. Its jaws were wide. It snapped its teeth, tearing me apart, fighting to devour my light.
It was a small flame.
Inside of it was everything good I ever was, had ever felt, or had ever known.
There was Finn and his gentle, reassuring touch and his steady, warm smile. His belief from the very first time he saw me that we were meant to be, because I felt like home. And my belief that he was the light in my darkness, because no matter what, he was always there next to me, even when I couldn’t see him.
There was my laughter as Luvic and I had tossed birdseed to a flock of pigeons at Bethesda Fountain. His delight at meeting Cora after making a penny wish in its waters.
There was my love for Rou’s cooking and the warm blueberry scone and saffron stew scent of her kitchen. There was the night Justice and I had cheered Griff up after one of his deaths. We’d taken him to an all-night diner with a buffet and had laughed for hours while he ate plate after plate of pancakes topped with mashed potatoes and chicken dipped in cupcake frosting.
There were so many good things. So many memories. Not just happiness. Not just love. But my hope too. I’d tucked that away. I’d tucked away all the times I’d chosen to do right instead of wrong. The little times and the big times. The small kindnesses and the large ones.
In Hell Gate, a small kindness was often enough to get you killed. That was why I never sneered at a person for doing a small kindness. I didn’t know how much it had cost them or how brave they’d had to be to do it.
It was all there. The shining light I’d hidden.
Justice had claimed that someday, I could take it out and use it to fight Jagger.
Now, he was claiming Jagger was a liar and could be killed.
I didn’t know if the second was true. But I knew the first was wrong.
