Fuck... I feel like I’ve been sucker punched. I didn’t know... not that it’s an excuse. I didn’t think, and that’s half my problem most of the time.
I reach over, and she flinches ever so slightly. It makes me feel like the worst person. Like I’d just hurt her. I pull back my hand and decide to let her trust me again and seek me out if she wanted me. “I’m really sorry I made you feel like that. I’d never hurt you.” I mean it. She stares at me, and I hope she sees the truth.
“Just seeing those men...” I shake my head and my whole body tenses, but I should be honest with her like she has with me. “Most people we deal with at the underground fights are shady criminals. There’s a decent person every now and again, but most of the time everyone’s out for the money. People who are desperate to win do desperate things, and all I was thinkingabout was your safety.” I get why the men in our MC have done violent things over the years for the women they care about. “I don’t want to scare you, but being in the MC is who I am. I’d do anything to keep you safe.” I let out a dark chuckle. “I meananything.”
She presses her lips together, but I see her thinking it through.
“I’ve never had to change for anyone or try to be a better person for someone else, but I am trying and I hope you see that. I’m far from perfect, and there will be times when I fuck up, but it’s because I get so stuck inside my head and wound up. I’m not used to having to talk about it. I just dwell on it and go exercise.” I shrug. “I’ve always been like that.”
She reaches over and puts her hand on mine, and her touch lifts the heavy weight from my shoulders. “I know you’re not perfect, and neither am I. If my ex hadn’t just scared me to death, I wouldn’t be this sensitive to your change in moods, but I really can’t help it.” She sounds disappointed in herself.
I lean over and bring her into my arms, and she melts into me. Her body softens and loosens up.
“I’m going to do better,” I vow to her. I’m just not used to talking about my feelings and shit. It’s harder than it seems.
She snuggles into my chest. “Why were you so angry? Do you think they’ll hurt me?”
My jaw tightens. “I don’t trust anyone, and I was pissed off that I put you in that position. I don’t want you to be involved in that world. I was just hellbent on getting you back to the truck without them seeing you.” I pause, the tension in my chest refusing to ease. “I’ve got to talk to Reaper about it, because it didn’t sit well with me. I’m not sure if the Russians being there was a coincidence or not. But you have to realize...” I gulp hard and hesitate. “I’m always going to be overprotective of the people I care about. That’ll never change. If anyone were toever hurt you”—I clench my fist—“I’d make them suffer, and I wouldn’t feel bad about it. I can’t change who I am or the anger I feel overnight, but I can try to do better...for you.”
She gives me a warm smile. “I know that. I think we need to communicate to each other about how and why we’re feeling a certain way.” She starts drawing on the top of my hand. “There’s still a lot we don’t know about each other... but I want to understand you, and I’d like for you to try and deal with your problems in a healthier way.”
She’s not wrong there, and that’s why she’s perfect for me. She wants to help me with my demons, even considering I just scared her. I appreciate her kindness. She’s a catch, and I have no desire to let her go.
“I’m never going to be a guy who wears a suit and works a stable nine-to-five job. I’ll always be protective when it comes to the closest people in my life. I don’t mean to turn into a monster.”
“You’re not a monster,” she cuts in sharply.
It makes me smirk. I take her chin in my hand and gaze deep into those greenish-bluish eyes and say, “I can be, but never to you. When the people I care about are hurting”—I put my hand to my chest—“I feel their pain and I hurt too, but I turn that hurt into anger. I’m not proud of it, but it’s how I’ve always handled things.”
She strokes my cheek, and I briefly close my eyes. “I’ve liked you for who you are from the moment I met you. I don’t expect you to be anyone else, but I want you to understand that I don’t mean for it to happen—it seems I get triggered when you’re angry or if there’s the threat of violence, and it’s a scary place for me to be in,” she says.
“I do understand why you feel like that,” I reply.
She tilts her head and frowns. “Have you always been that way? Has it stemmed from your dad? I remember you mentioning him cheating and leaving your family.”
Just at the mention of the man I feel the burn of anger. I chuckle, but it’s hollow. Maybe it’s my father’s face I see when I fight. “I can already feel myself getting worked up,” I say out loud. She wanted me to talk about it, so I’ll try.
Rose gives me a pointed look. “I can see that.”
She’s onto me. She reads me very well. I won’t be able to get away with anything with her. That’s not a bad thing, I guess. No one’s ever called me out on my shit before.
“Do you think,” she says softly, with a wince, “you hold a lot of anger toward him that you’ve never dealt with and you use fighting as an outlet instead of talking about and dealing with what happened?”
I flinch. Ouch, that was a little close to home. She’s not trying to hurt me or be nasty; it’s as if she’s stating facts, but I hate the man. “They say you’re supposed to let go and forgive, but I can never forgive a coward man who cheated on my mom and got some other woman pregnant and left us—his wife who stood by him and his two young sons—to go live with his new family.” I’ll never forget and never forgive.
She frowns and runs a hand up and down my arm. “What happened after he left?”
I feel queasy even thinking about it, but her presence dulls the pain somewhat. “I watched my mom fall apart and become a shell of a person. She couldn’t eat, she struggled to shower. Looking back at it now, I realize that she’d fallen into a deep depression. I not only saw my mom struggle—I felt it and watched my younger brother be in pain and ask why we weren’t as important as Dad’s new family and why he didn’t love us anymore.”
My voice is tight as I remember my brother’s little heartbreaking face. It broke me because I couldn’t fix any of it. I couldn’t help them, and I struggled with that. “It was when my brother asked me what he did wrong that made Dad leave that snapped something inside of me. My dad took off and left us with no money. It was like we didn’t exist, and after watching my family be in so much pain from his poor decisions, I stopped being sad and just got angry.”
Her eyes get watery. “You were a child doing the best you could in the situation you were in. You did well to be there for your family. But who was there for you?”
I take a moment to process her words before I reply. “No one. I kept to myself. It never felt like I belonged anywhere, because people my age were happy and I just felt like I’d bring them down.” My face falls as I remember how lonely I felt as a teenager. A shiver rolls down my spine at the thought. “That was until I met the men at the club and found my people. They accepted me for who I am and let me tame the anger I have inside of me, and hey, I win them some serious coin at the fights.”
She frowns. “I think you need to give yourself some credit.”
I scrunch my nose.
