Was I okay? Physically, I felt good as hell. Busting all those nuts had me feeling light on my feet, but I knew that wasn’t what she meant. “If you’re asking if I have any regrets about having sex with you . . . nah, I don’t. But I will be honest and say that I need to process the . . . I’m not sure if guilt is the right word.” I felt frustration rise up inside me at my lack of being able to express myself. “It’s complicated. I’m saying, I don’t feel like I cheated on Teagan. I . . . I’m into you, E. I dig the shit outta you. I just have this irrational fear that my interest for you is gonna block out space for Teagan.” I sighed. “I’m fucking this up. I don’t know how to explain it. Like, if I can only concentrate on one person, it’s you. But where does that leave her? I don’t want to lose her. I already lost her once. I want to figure out how to have space for both of y’all. She’s my past, but she’s with me every day.” I put the flowers down, made my way to the stove, and stood in front of her. “You’re my future.”
“You feel like I’m your future?”
“Hell yeah.”
“I wanna co-exist with Teagan. I don’t expect you to stop loving her. I don’t wanna compete with her memory, though.”
I tapped my chest. “I feel that. You shouldn’t have to.”
She nodded. “Okay. Just so you know, I’m driving myself to church.”
“Because I need to stop at the cemetery?”
“Well, that. I’m not trying to come in between the time you dedicate to her. But also, because one of my clients is requesting a wellness check. I’m heading to Londynville right after church.”
“Cool,” I agreed, even though it made me feel some type of way.
After I put the flowers into a bouquet and E and I had breakfast, we headed to church. I felt so much peace sitting next to her in service. Not gonna lie, though. It was kinda hypocritical how I sat in church praising Big G after the way I spent the night before, putting his daughter Eastley through the mattress.
After service, I walked her out to her vehicle. I wanted to kiss her pink painted lips before she left me, but she kept looking around at the congregants around us. Sweet Jackson was a small town. If I’d kissed her the way I wanted to, we would’ve been the topic of conversation for all the motormouths. I let her make it, choosing to give her a hug instead.
“So, when you get home tonight, you’re moving into my bedroom, right?” I asked her before I released her.
She looked up at me with a small smirk. “Maybe.”
“Maybe?” I pulled her body into mine. “Don’t have me let the whole church know that I had you folded up like a pretzel, engaging in sexual sin all night. Then you come in here looking all prim and proper like you don’t take dick like a champ.”
She giggled before whacking me on the chest. “Shut up.” She looked around and found several sets of eyes on us. “These nosy Christians are watching us.”
“And I’m ’bout to give ’em a show if you don’t give me the answer I’m tryna hear.”
“Yes, Q. Yes. I’ll move into your bedroom tonight.”
“Good.” I kissed her lips, then let her climb into her truck.
I felt the burn of all the holier than thou members’ gazes as I walked to my truck. Little did they know, I didn’t give a fuck about them gossiping about me. I would try harder not to give them any reason to gossip about Eastley, though.
I got into my truck and made my way to the cemetery. Teagan’s headstone was pretty clean. I still brushed away what little debris there was before removing the week-old flowers and replacing them with fresh ones.
My visits to Teagan’s gravesite were usually a formality. Something I did to make sure that I honored her memory. I had watched plenty of people bury their loved ones in the cemetery and never go visit them. Never step foot in the graveyard after the pronouncement of “ashes to ashes and dust to dust.”
Originally, I didn’t even want to bury Teagan, because I didn’t want her to suffer the same fate. I wanted to cremate her and keep her in an urn at the house. That way I could have her near me, not decomposing alone in a field with a bunch of other forgotten people. But her mother had been adamant that she didn’t want Teagan cremated. I didn’t have the strength or the conviction to fight her on it. So, we picked out a plot, a headstone, and a casket. I came every week to visit, but I never lingered.
“Hey, Tea, baby.” I looked down at her intricately carved headstone. It was ornate. Her parents had insisted on having a rendering of her carved into the stone. It was a picture of her from our honeymoon. Her full name, date of birth, and date of death were there. The words, “God’s Greatest Gift Returned to Him. Loved Beyond Words. Missed Beyond Measure. Beloved Daughter. Cherished Wife,” had been inscribed underneath herdates. I ran my hand across the cool marble. “I love you, and I miss you. Since you’ve been gone, I’ve been chilling. Kept to myself. Didn’t do too much.” I took a deep breath. “But I met somebody. Yo, I didn’t meet them. They actually came back into my life after a long absence. It’s KD’s sister, Eastley. You met her a couple of times. She was at the wedding. You definitely heard KD talk about her. He never shut up about her. He was so proud when she earned her nursing degree.” I cleared my throat. I was rambling. “She’s back in town, and she’s been staying at the house. All that’s only important because having her at the house helped me come back to life. I’m not saying that I died with you, Tea. But parts of me did. There’s parts of me that you took with you when you left. And I didn’t give a shit about letting them go. If you weren’t here on Earth, I didn’t even feel like I needed them.
“But she makes me want them back. She makes me feel like I need some of the stuff I put down when I let you go. I need my heart back, Tea. I’m keeping you in it, but I wanna make room in there for her.” It was an overcast day, but I was sweating my ass off. I wiped sweat from my forehead. “Shit. This ain’t a conversation I ever expected to have with you. I was a zombie when you left me, girl. For three years, I’ve been a zombie. But I feel myself coming back to life.
“We’ve been going to church together. Since I come here after church, I’m gonna change the day I come through. I’mma come through on Wednesdays. I love you, and I miss you. Continue to rest in peace, sweetheart. See you on Wednesday.” I kissed my fingers, touched the top of her headstone, then walked back to my truck.
My father was coming out of his front door just as I pulled into his driveway.
“Perfect timing,” I joked as I rounded the truck and headed for the front stairs to join him on the porch.
“I was waiting on you.”
“Why? Janey telling my business again?”
He eyed me but chuckled at the same time as he took a seat in one of the two rocking chairs that were situated on his porch. “Don’t get mad at Janey because you were being mannish outside the house of the Lord.”
