I’m on the path to healing.
I’m safe with Quentin.
My ego puffed up a little at the thought that she felt safe with me. Women typically felt safe with me, especially in my role as a self-defense instructor. Still, it was cool to hear Eastley say that she felt safe with me.
Teagan felt safe with me. She trusted me to protect her and to take care of her. Sometimes when I let the wrong thoughts take root in my head, I blamed myself for not being there when she needed me the most. Logically, I knew it wasn’t my fault. Teagan had a fatal asthma attack. It could’ve happened at any time. My father told me over and over that it was God’s grace that had me out on the road that day. He believed that being there with Teagan, watching her lose consciousness, would’ve fucked me up even worse.
I wasn’t there, so I couldn’t call it. I made it to the hospital in time to hold her—cradle her in my arms while she left. All I could do was hold on to the truths that I did know. My wife was loved. I loved her, had since the day I met her, and would until the day I left the Earth. She never doubted my love. She loved me as fiercely as I loved her. She never would’ve blamed me for what happened.
I slid down the wall, until I was seated on the floor. I blew out a deep breath, then I bowed my head and began to pray. I prayed for both Eastley and for myself. I wasn’t sure how long I sat there praying—saying words that I didn’t plan or expect to say. All I knew was that when I finally said “Amen” and looked up, she was standing in the open doorway.
“What are you doing out here?”
“I heard you walking . . . and talking. I wasn’t sure if you were talking to God or what. I didn’t want to interrupt. I sat out here in case . . . you needed me.”
“And you prayed? I heard you say amen.”
“And I prayed.”
Her eyes ballooned. “You prayed for me?”
“For you. Over you.” I shrugged my shoulders as I stood from the floor to my full height. She caught me off guard when she wrapped her arms around my waist in a hug.
“Thank you.” Her head rested against my chest.
After a few seconds, I wrapped my arms around her too. “You have a nightmare?”
“How’d you know?”
“I told you that when KD told me what you went through at the hospital, I did some research. It’s not unusual for trauma survivors to have nightmares.”
“Do you have nightmares?”
It took me a minute to decide whether or not to be honest with her. I decided to tell the truth.
“Not as much anymore. When I first lost Teagan? All the time. The same one over and over. Thought I was gonna lose my fucking mind.” I huffed out a deep breath. “People wanna know, brothers wanna know how I got so . . . intertwined with God. Shit. I had to attach myself to God, or I wasn’t gonna make it. There was no way I could’ve ever survived losing Tea if I didn’tcling to God like a motherfucker.” I patted her back a few times before breaking the embrace.
Holding her soft body against mine was a recipe for disaster. I wasn’t sure how she would react if I bricked up while we were hugging. I wasn’t sure how to react to the idea that that was even a possibility. I didn’t know what it was about Eastley that made my mans want to come alive when he was dead for every other woman.
“I haven’t had a nightmare since I’ve been here. I’ve slept good every night for the last week or so. I’ve been thanking God, because lack of sleep was taking a toll. But I think it’s from the anxiety I feel about tomorrow.”
The next day was the Braveheart Juneteenth/Father’s Day Barbecue. It wasn’t open to the public or anything. Just the brothers, their families, and invited guests. Still, it was always a large event. It was too big to hold it on the grounds of the clubhouse, so it would be at a local park. We couldn’t control who showed up. I understood why Eastley had anxiety about it.
“You still thinking about going?” I questioned.
“It’s always been my favorite Braveheart event. I’ve missed it for the last seven or eight years.”
I grinned at her. “Exactly, so missing it again shouldn’t be a hardship.”
She whacked me on the forearm with her open hand. “Shut up. I’m here. I’m home. I’m not trying to miss it this year. I plan to be there. Anxiety be damned.”
I nodded my head in acceptance of her decision. “If that’s what you wanna do.”
She pouted. “I was forced to endure kickbacks every weekend at Kobey and Asia’s. I should be able to attend an event I wanna attend.”
“Nobody’s arguing with you but yourself,” I teased.
She rolled her eyes and gave me a grin. “Shut up.” She gave me another hug. Her body melted into mine, and for however long she stayed pressed up against me, I didn’t think about Teagan at all.
