I almost went into cardiac arrest with the way my heart was pounding behind my ribcage. There was no way I could let him leave. “Kaynaan, please. We need to talk.”
“We need to talk? For three days, you’ve been sending me to voicemail and hiding from me. I’m sitting at the crib wondering if you’re having a kid or if youarea kid.”
I gasped and reached up to clutch the pearls that I wasn’t wearing. Did he just call me immature?
“You don’t see how your behavior is coming off as young as hell?”
Of course I saw it. Ghosting and hiding instead of talking and expressing myself was definitely immature. But I didn’t like hearing it. I sighed. “I didn’t like seeing you and your grandmother fight. It felt like I was the reason for the dissension, and I don’t want to be the reason that anybody is into it with their family.”
“See how easy that was to say? You could’ve said that on the jet, instead of pretending to be asleep. And we could’ve discussed it and squashed it before we even made it back to Chicago.”
I folded my arms across my chest. “You don’t have to be an asshole about it.”
“I’m not being an asshole. I’m calling you out on your behavior. You need to ask yourself why your natural inclination is to run from conflict, whether it’s real or just conjured up in your mind, instead of facing it.”
He stood there watching me, waiting for me to respond. “I don’t know what to say to that,” I admitted, tears back in myeyes. I was sick of my damn self. All the crying and tears were for the birds.
“You’re gonna have to saysomething. What’s your endgame here? You trying to get me to lose interest? Do you want me to walk away?” he repeated.
“No.” That was one question I could answer with no hesitation.
“So tell me what we’re doing, Wyndi.”
“I’m yours, Kaynaan. I know I keep . . . it’s hard for me to accept . . . everything. I’m so messed up. It’s like everybody can see how messed up I am except for you. I don’t even understand why you want me.”
The next thing I knew, my chin was in his hand. “I want you because I see you. What you see as flaws, I see as the places that I can meet you where you are. You think you’ve got struggles? I’m fucked up, Wyndi. I got flaws up the ass. I’m not looking for a perfect woman. All I would do with a perfect woman is irritate the hell outta her with all my shit.”
“And that’s exactly how I feel. I don’t get how you’re not irritated with me and my shit.”
“You irritate me, Brown Eyes.”
I gasped audibly.
“Not with your shit, but with your shit. The ghosting shit. The not talking to me shit. That’s annoying as hell. But the Wilcox shit, that’s a complete non-factor. I don’t give a shit that you spent some of your time with Wilcox. That’s life. What I care about is that God assigned you to me. Wilcox might’ve gotten you pregnant, but that’s my baby inside you. You and baby girl belong to me. And you better not have made me miss the appointment where we get confirmation that she’s a she.”
“It’s not for another ten days.”
He finally pulled me into his strong arms and held me tightly. My nervous system got the memo, and a sense of calm came overme. Kaynaan made me feel so safe. And that was what I wanted. I didn’t understand why my brain kept trying to convince me that he was better off without me.
“Self-sabotage?” LoLo questioned when we met for dinner later that week and after I told her about the conversation Kaynaan and I had. “What do you think?”
“I just keep thinking about what the therapist I saw after Channing and I broke up used to say. She would always tell me that verbal abuse was designed to destroy your concept of self. That it was designed to change the way you see yourself. When it came to Preston, I understood his interest. He wanted no-strings attached coochie. I’m in possession of a coochie, and I was willing to give it to him with no strings attached. It makes sense. But with Kaynaan, I really can’t understand what he sees in me.”
LoLo’s face fell. “Friend. Please don’t say stuff like that. You the ish, bish.”
I had to laugh. When I sobered, I spoke. “I don’t feel like the ish . . . or like that bitch. I feel like a broke dummy. Correction, like a broke, pregnant dummy. I feel like Kaynaan can have anybody he wants?—”
“And he wants you. He’s made that abundantly clear.”
“But why? Why does he want me? Somebody that’s pregnant . . . by his teammate, no less. Why does he want me?”
LoLo shrugged. “Girl, the heart wants what the heart wants. There is no rhyme or reason as to why we fall for the people we fall for. Kaynaan Israel is head over heels for you. You gotta practice leaning into it, rather than leaning away from it.”
“I have an appointment with a tele-doc tomorrow. I feel like I need to talk out some of this stuff that’s cluttering up my headspace.”
“I think that’s a good idea, friend. It definitely can’t hurt. You’ve been through a lot in these last few years. Losing your baby. Losing your childhood sweetheart to mental illness. Messing around with a no-count ninja just to end up pregnant by him. You’ve taken some hits. There’s nothing wrong with talking to somebody about it.” She shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe talking about it with a therapist will help you be more open to talking about stuff with your mom and with me. And with your man.”
I chuckled lightly. “I hope so.”
