I wasn’t sure if she noticed, but I saw her right hand drop down to cradle her non-existent stomach.
“Losing the pregnancy just brought . . . upheaval. I can’t think of another way to describe it. Maybe chaos? Turmoil? I wanted the baby. I wanted the life we all envisioned with Channing. That’s my ex’s name. Channing. I wanted a life with Channing. It was a missed miscarriage.”
“What is that? A missed miscarriage?”
“It’s when the fetus is no longer alive, but the body doesn’t realize it. The pregnancy tests kept coming up positive. I never would’ve thought anything was wrong. I didn’t think anything was wrong until the ultrasound tech’s measurements were crazy and they couldn’t find the heartbeat.” She swallowed loud enough for me to hear it. “I’ve never told anybody this but LoLo and our parents. After I lost the baby, I grieved. I was sad and depressed. But Channing went into a pit. His grief looked so different from mine. I tried not to judge, because everybody grieves in their own way. I tried to put my grief on pause so I could see about his. But instead of coming out of it, he went deeper into it.
“His conversations started being about not caring about anything, ending it all, and self-harm. It scared the hell outta me. I tried to keep the things that were happening in our house to myself. I didn’t want to alarm his mother or my own mother. But then he disappeared for three days, and I had to tell them.”
“He disappeared?”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
“Was he cool? Did he end up being okay?”
“That time he did. Eventually, though, we couldn’t deny the truth. There was more going on than just his reaction to the miscarriage. There were clearly some deeper mental healthissues that needed to be addressed. Once he got the diagnosis, he went off the deep end again. We decided to pause, then eventually call off the wedding. He moved back in with his parents because he needed real support. I left teaching, moved back home, and tried to figure out life.”
“You weren’t living here when you were going through all of that?”
“No. After college, Channing and I stayed in Indianapolis. He came back to Chicago first. When things started crashing in around him and he needed more support, he moved back here. I thugged it out for another year before I decided that nothing was keeping me in Indianapolis but failure to change directions. I’ve never regretted coming home. I probably should’ve done it sooner.”
“Is that your thing?”
“Is what my thing?”
“Beating yourself up about the decisions you make?”
She looked up at the ceiling with a thoughtful expression. “I never thought of it as beating myself up, but I do second guess myself a lot.” She shrugged. “I don’t know why.”
“Let me ask you something. You were in a relationship with Channing since y’all were young? He was your first, and you planned to marry him?”
She nodded.
“Then y’all suffered a catastrophic loss that sent him into a mental breakdown, you broke up, and the first . . . entanglement you got involved in was alet’s mess around with no strings attachedsituation with Wilcox?”
“It was better that way. Believe me, it was better that way. I didn’t have to trust him or consider the future.”
“Are you open to trusting anybody? Considering the future with anybody?”
“I wanna be, but I’m in a really . . . precarious situation right now. I need to focus on this pregnancy. It needs to be my priority.”
“Agreed. But a little support and companionship never hurt anybody.”
She giggled. “You’re offering me support and companionship?”
“I’m offering you support and companionship, Wyndi.”
“And dick, too, if I want it?”
It was my turn to laugh. “And dick, too. If you want or need it.”
“Hey, Kaynaan.”
“What’s up?”
“I want it and need it.”
“Say less.”
