My grandfather was a weak nigga that did whatever his wife said. He was an emotionless man who let his wife lead everything in that house, even if it meant neglecting their only grandchild.
My grandmother ran her home with cruelty and greed. She liked whatever little money or stamps came with me too much to let anybody who actually might’ve wanted me take me. But she didn’t like feeding me either. She didn’t like hearing my voice. Sometimes they’d eat dinner and leave me whatever was left in the pan like I was a stray dog they regretted letting in. Sometimes it wouldn’t be shit left worth eating.
I was in the way. I was a burden to those that were supposed to take care of me. I had been a nuisance, and never a child.
That was what fatherhood looked like to me. Not the sweet shit everybody liked to talk about. Not cute little family moments. Not matching pajamas, baby showers, and pictures for the wall.
It was burden, disappointment, and some kid sitting somewhere feeling unwanted because the adults around him didn’t give a fuck about it. That was why my fear twisted into anger so fast in that room. Because once that heartbeat hit me, I couldn’t stop thinking: what if I do this wrong? What if I die and abandon this child without meaning to? What if I stay alive and still ain’t enough? What if this baby ends up feeling unwanted the way I did just because I never should’ve been in this position in the first place?
Dr. Harrison was still talking, but her voice started to sound far away. Ava answered a question, but I didn’t hear it. Dr. Harrison said something about the heartbeat sounding strong, and I barely retained any of it.
I sat there staring too hard at the wall, at the floor, at Ava’s stomach whenever I let my eyes slip, and tried to keep my face from showing how deep in my head I really was.
By the time the appointment ended, and Dr. Harrison left the room, I felt irritated all over again at Ava, myself, and the whole situation.
Ava got dressed without looking at me, and I just waited in silence, hating how fucked this situation was.
Then we walked out of the exam room and through the clinic without saying anything to each other. Ava had had one of the last appointments of the day, so there were, luckily, no patients or staff in the waiting area to witness how toxic our anger looked as we walked out of the women’s clinic. Malik had bounced once Ava and I went into the exam room.
The silence kept going all the way through the hospital and into the parking lot. We walked past the last of lingering patients, staff, and janitors buffing floors, completely avoiding each other. Ava called herself trying to walk fast so that she could leave me, but her short legs couldn’t compete with mine.
It wasn’t until we got near her car that she finally spoke. “I don’t need you to come to the appointments, especially if you’re going to just sit there angry, making things uncomfortable. You might not want this baby, but I do, and I’d like to enjoy this experience as much as I can.”
I scoffed at her audacity. “Well, you should’ve had a baby by a different nigga. I’ll be here, but you can’t dictatehowI’m here, especially since I haven’t had as much time to process this as you have. You had months to sit with this, months to decide how you felt, months that you kept me in the dark while you got used to it.”
“And what exactly was I supposed to do?” she shot back. “Tell the man who already made it clear he didn’t want kids so he could pressure me into getting rid of it?”
“Don’t do that.”
“Do what?”
“Act like I forced you into some impossible position when you’re the one who made this choice.”
Her mouth fell open. “My choice? Reek, if you didn’t want a baby, then why did you cum in me?”
Before I knew it, I had grabbed her elbow and brought her towards me. “Because I can’t get you out of my head! Because every time I try to leave your ass alone, I end up right back wanting you!” She inhaled sharply, and then her chest started to rise and fall with each difficult breath she took. “But you want something real! You want this baby! You want family, and I don’t want to give you that. I don’t want to give anybody that!”
I watched her face contort from longing, to hurt, and back again, over and over again.
“Then leave me alone!” she shouted.
“I can’t now!” My bark bounced off the walls of the parking garage, loud enough to make a few people coming and going from the hospital jump before they kept it moving.
We were standing there in the parking lot breathing hard, facing off beside her car. We were two people who had already done too much damage to each other and somehow still wanted more.
I looked at her and felt the same crazy mix of emotions; anger, wanting, fear, possession, and panic. I wanted to grab her, shake her, kiss her, walk away and leave all this where it stood.
We just stood there suffocating from the air around us that was thick with way too many fucking emotions. My words still silently echoed in my head, like blows I couldn't take back. That distance between us felt like a goddamn bridge I knew I shouldn’t cross, but my body had other ideas.
I grabbed her face, rough enough to make her gasp. My mouth crashed onto hers, and I knew this was just feeding thebullshit, but she was in my head, repeatedly knocking at the wall around my heart.
The kiss was angry, pouring out the annoyance that she wouldn't leave my thoughts, that her body still called to mine like a song on repeat. She kissed me back just as hard. Her teeth sank into my lower lip, sharp and biting, drawing a sting that shot straight to my dick.
Her nails raked into my wrists as I held her there, pressing her back against the side of her car. The metal was cool under her, but her heat seeped through her clothes, making my pulse beat. I hated how my dick twitched, hardening against my jeans despite the rage boiling in me. Our usual chemistry exploded between us, pulling me in when I wanted to shove her away. She bit my lip again, harder, and I growled into her mouth, tasting the metallic tang of blood mixing with her.
I yanked her sideways, wedging us between her car and the one parked next to it. Our bodies ground together as her hips bucked against mine, and I felt her wetness even through the fabric of her leggings. My hands frustratingly roamed, gripping her ass to bring her closer. Then I dragged her forward, around the front of the car, between the wall bordering the lot, trapping her there with my weight.
I lifted her, and her legs wrapped around my waist instinctively, like she knew she was mine too. I boosted her onto the hood, and she arched up, pulling me down, and I tore at her leggings. My fingers hooked into the crotch and ripped a jagged hole right through the seam. The fabric gave with a rip, exposing her bare pussy, already slick and ready. My dick throbbed as I fumbled with my zipper. It was hard and thick when I pulled it out. The veins pulsed as I lined up and thrust into her in one brutal shove.
