“I know.” She tosses her empty paper plate in the fire. “That’s why I didn’t want you to know.”
“Jesus.” I shoot up and toss my food into the fire and have to walk away. Pacing at the bank, I understand that all this is in the past, but it still makes me outraged. “It could have been me,” I growl, marching back to her.
“What?”
“I came with flowers to ask you.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Homecoming!” I yell.
Shit, I’ve got to calm down. This is such a moot point now. History.
Or is it?
“I wanted to ask you to go with me, Taylor.”
“But you didn’t.” She’s calm now too. Her voice is nice and steady. I should tread carefully, but I don’t.
“I didn’t because I heard you were going with that idiot instead.”
“So, you gave up without even trying?”
“You sounded so happy about it.”
“Gee, Con. Wonder why.” She stands up and goes toe-to-toe with me. “It’s nice to be wanted.”
“Iwanted you.”
“And you’re telling me this how many years later?”
I’m mad at her, at Daryl, at everyone and especially myself. “I didn’t deserve you then,” I say, feeling ashamed. “I don’t now, either.”
“Goddamnit, Conner. When are you going to stop with the self-loathing?”
“It’s not—”
“Itis.” She shoves me. “You can’t see your own worth and it makes me want to throat-punch you.”
“Oh, someyou’ll hit. But when a fucker disrespects you, you tuck tail and slip away.”
“Yeah, because you’re the only person in my life worth hitting!” She slaps my arm, but it’s so half-hearted I barely feel it. “You’re the only one worth my time and energy. Daryl wasn’t, so he didn’t get it. Ryan wasn’t, so he lost it. Not even Austin was worth it!”
I see what she’s trying to say, but all I keep hearing is my father’s voice that day when I bought the corsage. “She’s smart enough to know a dud when she sees one.” My heart’s racing. “That woo-woo girl might be weird as fuck, but she ain’t desperate or stupid.”
Taylor shakes her head. “I don’t even understand how we got to this point tonight. Why are we arguing about dumb shit that happened a lifetime ago?”
“Because I keep seeing how much time I wasted by being a chicken shit!” I admit. “It’s all that’s racing in circles around my mind.” I stuff my hands into my hair and pull it. “I could have saved you so much pain and heartache if I’d come out with my feelings forever ago. But I’m not good at it. Saying how I feel isn’t in me, Taylor. I’m pathetic.”
“That’s your father talking.” She crosses her arms and glowers at me. “How can you possibly still give that dickturd any more of your energy or headspace, Con?”
“I don’t know.”
She’s right though. I’m not about to deny it.
“Stop.” She closes the space between us and wraps her arms around my waist. “Just stop fighting with me about things that don’t matter.”
“Everything about you matters. Including your past and all the times I should have been there and wasn’t. All the dates we could have been on anddidn’t… all because I was too scared to fuck us up.”
