Willow’s fingers curved around the ends of her chair; she was so grateful Ronan refrained from doing that, but she didn’t understand why. “Why not? I mean, you were unraveling and dangerous; why did he keep you alive?”
Running a hand through his hair, Declan tugged at the ends of it. “After a month in captivity, I finally felt stable enough to ask the same question. He told me he saw something in me worth saving.”
“He was right.”
“It wasn’t the whole truth. He also saved me because he felt guilty about killing my father.”And about what my father did to me.“He thought he owed me something.”
“He told you this?”
He’d prefer not to get into his ability right now and the guilt, anger, and sorrow Ronan experienced after the death of his father. This was a big enough thing to throw on her without adding more.
“No, but I believe it’s true.”
It probably was, Willow allowed, but… “He still wouldn’t have saved you if he didn’t think there was something worth saving.”
“Very true,” Declan agreed.
He didn’t tell her that Ronan also blamed himself for Declan’s fuckup. During his time behind those bars, Ronan once told him he should have found Declan and rescued him from his father sooner.
However, Declan knew the responsibility of what he did to those women lay solely on his shoulders. Ronan could have gotten to his father days earlier, and he still would have slipped.
Chapter Thirty-Six
“When I look backat my life before that night, I can see how it was all building toward a boiling point. There were too many women, too much death and killing, too much reveling in the pain others delivered to me, and too much blood. I was gorging myself on it all; it was only a matter of time before I crossed the line.”
And became like my father.
“He was right to save you,” Willow said.
“Perhaps,” Declan admitted.
For the first time in centuries, he actually agreed that he might be someone worth saving. He’d done a lot of good over the years, but every day he questioned if this was the day where he lost it and took an innocent life. And every night he went to bed grateful he hadn’t killed anyone. It was a miserable existence.
But if Ronan had killed him, then he wouldn’t be here, with her, and that made these last, lonely, tortuous centuries completely worth it.
“How long did you remain in captivity?” she asked.
“Five years,” he said.
“Fiveyears?Ronan kept you locked up for five years?”
“No, he was willing to release me after I calmed down, but I kept myself in there for five years. He came to visit me every day and finally convinced me it was time to emerge.”
“Whydid you choose to stay longer?”
“Have no doubt, if Ronan hadn’t stopped me, I would have killedeveryone of those women. Those five years were penance for the sins I committed. I deserved to be there.
“I also didn’t trust myself to be around people again. Until I believed that I wouldn’t try to slaughter the first human I saw, I stayed where I belonged. As time went on, I learned to control myself better, and Ronan finally convinced me I could do more good on the outside. He also assured me that if I killed anyone, he wouldn’t hesitate to destroy me.”
“What did you do in there for five years?”
“I learned how to go without. Until then, I satisfied all my depravities without considering the consequences. I went through so many women, consumed so much blood, killed so many Savages, and reveled in the pain others inflicted on me. In that dungeon, I realized I lost control because I was already out of control.
“I learned how to meditate and started practicing yoga; I trained myself to use both those tools to ground me when my impulses became so incessant, I was sure they’d drive me insane. And gradually, over those years in the cell and every year since, I’ve maintained control.
“I can’t go without blood, but I haven’t fed on a human or vampire, until you, since then. Back in the early days, I relied on animals, but once the humans started bagging theirs, I started drinking their blood again too.”
“What about your need for pain, death, and sex?” she asked. “Did you return to seeking those things out?”
