“How often did they do this?”
“Every day. While they were doing it, Joseph would stand beside me, whispering in my ear that this was nothing compared to what they would do to me when my time came. And I knew he was telling the truth.” Her eyes were flat and emotionless when they returned to his. “Then, one day, I found her again. Is Simone your friend?”
“Yes.”
She shifted her gaze to the carpet. “I’m sorry I told him where she was.”
“You did what was necessary to survive.”
“I don’t deserve forgiveness. The day I connected with her blood again and told Joseph where to find her, I cried with relief. I knew he was going after her, I suspected he would kill her, and all I could feel was relief that I might have one day without a jar and death.”
“You had a right to feel relieved,” he said.
“Don’t justify my actions. A stronger person would have resisted him. A stronger person—”
“Youarea strong person, Elyse. Not many would have survived what you went through and come out of it sane. I’m surprised you’re not crazy.”
She gave him a wan smile. “Maybe I am.”
“Maybe,” he agreed. “But maybe we’re all a little crazy.”
“Yeah.”
“And Simone is fine; Joseph didn’t survive that battle.”
“Good.”
“Afterward, when the other Savages were brought to the cabin, what did they have you do?”
“They also put their blood on me and told me to track down every vamp they created. Some were only one or two, but a few had a dozen or so creations out there.”
“They were hunting for vamps they could bring in and turn Savage,” he muttered. Many turned vamps didn’t stay with the ones who created them; vampires liked their freedom.
Joseph and his flunkies had been working to create Savages out of humans and hunters, but they were also searching for, and turning, established vampires into Savages.
“When was the last time a Savage came to have you track down its creations?” he asked.
“A couple of days before you arrived. Over the past few months, some of the Savages who came to me were ones I tracked down. I recognized their blood when I felt it.”
Then, Elyse’s stomach plummeted as his earlier words sank in. “Wait, are you telling me that before I found them, they were vamps like you? Are you saying they weren’t killers untilItold those bastards where they could find them?”
“There’s no way of knowing that.”
But she saw the truth in his eyes. They most likely hadnotbeen monsters before she led the bastards to their door. She’d known Joseph and his ilk weren’t doing anything good with those she tracked, but she hadn’t suspected this.
She’d believed he was holding them captive, like her, or killing them. And as much as she didn’t want their deaths on her hands, shereallydid not want to be the reason they were tortured until they became monsters.
Since meeting Saxon, she should have realized why the Savages were using her, and maybe a part of her had, but denial was a much nicer place to live. She’d just been served her eviction notice. How many lives had she destroyed?
“Oh, God.”
She placed her hand against her mouth and lost the blanket as she ran for the bathroom. She fell before the toilet, but there wasn’t enough time to get the seat up before she lost what little contents remained in her stomach. Self-hatred coiled within her as she retched, and when Saxon came in to hold her hair back, she tried to wave him away.
“Don’t,” she moaned when she finished.
She wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and collapsed against the wall. Drawing her knees up to her chest, she hugged herself as her body went from freezing to boiling hot and back again. She almost felt like she had the flu, but she knew it was really a sickness in her soul.
“I don’t deserve kindness,” she whispered. “I’ve ruinedsomany lives.”
